22 MOM 2/17/2003 Forgetful, I'm regretful of my broken mind. WAllet filled, wallet spills faces put in the back of my head. told me once, even told me twice "you ain't got nothing to hide." And i'm sorry ma, but i'm feelin' like I got to hide this pain for you. I'll hold your wait up on my back, i'm not gonna let this all crack. Can't look in your face and think that I have anything so bad, got to remind myself this is harder for you. THIS IS HARDER FOR YOU. "cause I'm the baby, and I'm supposed to be shielded from knowin the truth, from feelin this whatever I am feeling. Moni said I shouldn't act so selfless, but i'm feelin like i'm actin too selfish. THis ain't 'bout me, it ain't about how this is affecting my life. It's about your life. We need your life. I can't live without your life, your presence. Goddamn. I"m talking to the man "yo god, whats up? long time no talk. But i got a bone to pick with you. Don't let this happen to me, don't let this happen to my family. most of all, don't let this happen to mom." And whats the use, is there a use in trying? I"m not a preaching man, just teach me man- hows it gonna be? Should i start to prep myself for the worst, or get ready to celebrate for the best? YOu want a fucking piece of me? 'Cause look you're already taking the best of what I got. Not much left once you've lost the only perminent thing you thought you had. Which brings it back to dad. Superman. HOws this man gonna go through this again? Where is he even gonna begin? HE's dad, and look, i'm just chad. WE aren't so good at holding down the fort, last time the relatives were pouring in and taking care of our sorry asses. It's mom, she's the one to keep shit together. so now you're taking her, and shits falling part again. back to square one, to the akward silence when dad's in deep thought staring at the clock. The waiting room in the hospital smells of death and sunday breath. i hate it there, i hate everyone who feels sorry for me there. its not about me, feel bad for mom, she's in pain. So drugged out she isn't even looking at me straight. my own mom is fucking drugged out and wonderin if i'm brian or chad. too bad brian is down in the lobby buying me soda i won't be able to drink. i'll just get sick an throw it up anyways. So let's get ready for these coming weeks ahead. doing homework by the hospital bed. And my friends, they say they feel for me, but ican't even feel for me. so don't worry for me. its all good for me. got through last time, gonna get through this time. I love you mom, and you are still my super hero from way back. fixing my scaped knees, tucking me in, making my lunches, baking me cookies, doing my laundry, making my bed, kissing me goodbye, buying stupid toys i never needed, brushing my hair, tying my shoes, and making all them monsters leave me alone at night. We still know mr.big's still under my bed. Bri guy and moni and I know that you are the best mom we could ever have, and we are here for the whole ride. I'm never letting go of you, ever.