43 To You 3/3/2003 A letter.. I started to write you a letter today, but whats the use when everything comes out jumbled anyway? NO thought is complete and I don't know how to say the things I want to convey. It's true what you said though- "you can't take out all your anger on innocent annoyning people who have nothing to do with the real reason you are upset." you'res always right like that. My mind didn't click though, it didn't comprehend until you said " latley you've been..ugh.. hostile." So I'm sitting in my room thinking, "shit, how'd I let this one slip by?" It's not like me to say the words I said that night. I can't even think back to a time when I would ever feel the need to say those cruel things. BUt I did, and lately I feel like I would do it again. Saying that shit is like a load off the shoulders, making these days just a little bit easier when everything seems so hard (like andy when he saw mira..ha..inside joke). Sara said saturday night "Chad you know you are like the nicest guy I know, but these past weeks you've been kind of...how should i say this... difficult." And it's not like me to tense up, but I got defensive and was blinded by the fact I was holding it all in. I got this tunnel vision or something, and I can't get through it. I don't know how to explain to you that right now I'm not the person you fell in love with. And I'm scared that might freak you out, or that you might not be ok with that. NOt that cool confident dude I used to be. BUt it's hard when it feels like nothings so constant anymore. Man it's so messed up what I am becoming- hating the way I carry about nowadays. Just go back a few monthes ago- hell go back to my "san fran writing" - what happened to that guy? What the hell is happening to me? And it's you who pointed it out, and it's just me now realizing that damn, I need some help. I need to release this anger or whatever it is that is building up inside of me. So I write, what good does that do? I'd rather put my fist into something and let the energy go. YOu're right though, I can't blow up on everyone (excluding you- hopefully that never happens). You know what though? I'll do it- see the person, I have to I think. Wish you were here.