40 caaaa clunk 2/27/2003 "why does my heart make a fool of me?" I shouldn't think about, but I think about it too much. And this is where I take the fall. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barley breath at times. If you only knew what this last week has done to me, how it has dragged out so long it feels like my eternity. And we haven't talked in days, and I haven't heard "I love you" so recently. And your confused at least once a week, and I"m so preoccupied I can't even see what you're feeling. And you deserve someone who could be there for you whenever you need them, and you deserve someone to reassure you they love you all the time. And what am I? So lost in this current situation with my family, it's hard for me to even concentrate in school- let alone give you everything you need from me. And I feel like shit thinking how bad I have screwed things up between us. So sad you had to enter into this life when everything seems to be going so completely wrong. And I don't want to take you down with that, I just want you to get out while you still can and are able to leave without me messing you up too much. I can feel myself draining you, I don't want that. Ugh this isn't how I wanted anything to be. My stomach is in knots and I don't even know how to write what I'm feeling without sounding like a complete idiot. I realize that things aren't the same now, and i know I messed it all up, but god damn I still love you. So i'm confused, is that it? are we over? i'm still so confused, i just don't understand anything anymore. I"m sorry though, sorry I wasn't what you expected. I'm gonna take care of all this shit going on in my life, i'm gonna figure this out. I don't know how long this is gonna take, i don't even know where to begin. But you know i'll figure this out. love you alia. don't know how you feel, wish i did.