We didn't know how lucky we were. Stranded behind phone lines. I'm wishing now this chord would be the noose to end this all. These late nights will be the thing that kills me. I know I"m alone without your voice tucking me into sleep. I know I'm reaching the end of the rope going crazy not being able to tell what's going on. I cant open my mouth to speak but only to put my lips to this bottle that makes my liver scream. And until this room fades out of vision and my stomach stops turning from you but of consumption I know I'm safe. I cant concentrate on conversation with friends with you walking in the back of my mind. My stomach wont sit still, it refuses to cooperate. I'm physically ill, but its what I deserve. My insides I feel slowly decaying within are saying "you did this to yourself, you hurt her you deserve much worse." So back and forth with the war inside my head. Maybe what we had was wrong, but it was all I had. Maybe what we had didnt make sense, but it was the only thing that seemed in place in my life. and thats that and i'm waiting for phone calls i know will never come (pacing back and forth debating whether or not to dial) and i'm checking for messages i know arent there (and even when i know my inbox is empty, it still hurts more not seeing your number) Now I'm sending out messages for any open holes for rent, any one big enough for me to crawl in and seal off. I'm beginning to hate day light, I"m beginning to hate smiles and the people that wear them. My light is gone and any smile I maybe once had has been ripped from my jaw. I cant believe this had to happen to make me "more happy" because as far as I can tell I'd be happier seeing my head slice through a table saw. i just wanted to tell you i love you i just wanted you to know i messed up