somethings happening to me...i cant stop crying...i havent stopped crying all day long. i know its not ben, i mean i miss him and i regret that nothing happened because of me, and i wish ihad talked more to him and stuff, but i know its not the end of the world, i know someday or ill forget him or we will have something...but its everything...i hate this city...i hate it its all about how u dress and how u look and whats ur last name and who u hang out with and what zone do u live in...i hate it everyone is so shallow...my life is so insignificant here... i cant stop crying i swear my eyes are burning now... gosh why didnt i jump to the sea at the ship...that wouldve been easier...everything is so bad...at the cruise i was like disconnected from the world and i cried only like twice...but here its like im in fuckin problemland....and i dont have anyone to talk to and tell me everythings gonna be alright and tell me they love me...i guess i imagined ben could be that one..the problem is i only saw him like a week in my whole life and im not gonna see him ever again and he probably doesnt give a shit about me anymore...so im crying over someone that lives thousands of miles apart and probably doesnt remember me isnt that pathetic? and i cant even cry comfortably cuz my mom hates it when i cry and she gets paranoic and gets me so i have to be crying silently...god take me please....or give me something to live for... IF SOMEONE LIVES IN REDDING, CALIFORNIA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW!