i havent stopped crying yet...i wish someone dedicated to me that song...i want ben near me :{...hey ben do u even remember me? do u remember my name? do u remember what we talked about? or the picture we took? did i mean something to u ? would u talk to me if i asked u to? i like better those questions unanswered...they frighten me... anyways...my parents denied like the first permission ever..and it was like the only one i really really wanted...theres this bday party at a friends house but he lives really far outside this bubble of shit...and i really wanted to go...i dont get it they hate it living here but they dont want me out !! yes i hate this fuckin life so much...its ilke im always waiting for something better to come...but it never does...it came for about a week (ben) and the truth is he didnt give a shit about me...ok now im being realistic im starting to cry again...i imagined so many things about him...and theyre not true adn will never becuz he will never care about me just as anyone will...why didnt i jump off the ship ?? i asked for ben's email adress and screen name to alan, his friend...but he hasnt answered my email...fuck it...and my friends are going to the party and theyre gonna hve fun n im stuck here in the house of hell... IF SOMEONE LIVES IN REDDING, CALIFORNIA, EVEN IF BEN DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME PLEASE LET ME KNOW!