1023
Listening to: Random music at Starbucks
Feeling: agitated

11:05 Late Sunday Night (10 April 2011)

     Where are you going

I had a nervous breakdown last Tuesday.  I had a biochem exam the next day that I was for sure going to fail, and then I talked to Caleb about our future.

i.e. career options

i.e. baby timeline

He was pessimistic about his job opportunities upon completion of his PhD due to the economy.  He told me I needed to finish my master's before we have a baby.  Perfectly logical and understandable and completely and one hundred percent reasonable.  And I freaked the fuck out because I needed to hear something solid.

I know the future isn't solid.  "Every plan is a tiny prayer to father time" and all of that (thanks DCFC).  I just wish we could agree on when to take our family to the next level.  Aaah, I feel so dumb.  I don't want to have a baby like RIGHT NOW.  I'm just ... an excessive planner. and I was hoping that we could get pregnant somewhere around December-March for a September-December 2012 baby. My time frame has entered the within-12-months phase and Caleb's not on board. And of course, if Caleb's not on board that means my time frame is null because I don't want to have a baby that Caleb isn't ok to have.  I want him to be in a good mental frame for fatherhood, and I understand that he isn't ready to grow up that much yet.

So there you have it. Our first important marital disagreement.  The thing is...I wouldn't be that upset if Caleb had a timeline that didn't match mine. It's that he doesn't have a timeline at all.  I know he's not as big into planning shit as me, but he also doesn't seem to realize how important to me this is.

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