9:48 Wednesday Morning   Pathetic Lack of Creativity I wish I could express myself in songs. Words and music, the way everyone else does. The way everyone quotes Taking Back Sunday, and Dashboard Confessional, I can't do that. The words are nice and the music is nice and it's all nice but it's not something I can do. I always feel guilty. Because it makes me feel as though I have no imagination, and I can't use my own words. It's a sense of moral obligation to myself, like not allowing my neck to be kissed even though it feels like bliss. Like not eating ice cream for a month because I had to prove to myself that I could. And yet i can't pull my ass up and go to the pool. This mood had better be a pms thing. Has it seriously already been a month? Oh how the time flies. I'm going to get married in a big poofy dress and have a teeny wedding with only my closest friends and family. If you're not invited, don't be offended that you're not my closest friend--it's not like I was ever that close to you either. Living in an apartment on an old mattress with old appliances and borrowed furniture. Yesterday an American from our small town whose dad my parents know came over for tea because he was in town, biking through new zealand, we let him spend the night. He is young. 26 tops. He's cute, too. But not that cute. I was wearing a seethrough shirt when he showed up so I sneaked into my room and put on an undershirt because I felt like a skank. These morals I never wanted to adopt found their ways into my head anyway. ----------------- 1:05 p.m. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Go the drama (makes life interesting for an undramatic person like me). I've had a teeny crush on a good friend of mine for ages and ages, beginning two Junes or Julys ago. We'd gone to see Pirates of the Caribbean in the theatre together after almost a year of not seeing each other, and WOW was he cute. We hung out a bit more during the summer, and I went to his 15th birthday party. Then school started, he introduced me to his best friend whom I ultimately got heavily involved with. We fought a lot last January (almost a year ago. The time flies) due to random things we would disagree about. But I always missed him. And I always tried to convince myself he wasn't as cute or as funny or as interesting even though he was more so. (It's my diary. I'm going to be honest.) I don't think I could ever seriously date an LDS guy again, but I would absolutely love to go on a date or two with him. He is seriously one of my best guy friends. I platonically love him and we eventually got over our issues. I demand that he takes me to LHS homecoming, because the last Homecoming I went to sucked. This time I want to go with someone I like as a friend with no strings attached. I have a teeny crush on him. But I have teeny crushes on a lot of guys. Eh. We'll see how it goes. ----------------- 1:18 p.m. Fuckitall, I've missed my bus. And I remembered I'm babysitting tonight so I can't go to Sayla's pool party. fuckitall. ladkhg al;kfgh al;dfkgh. stolen from [psychopathalien]. RULES: Write a statement intended for 10 different people. NEVER TELL which one is for who. 1. Even though it's not what you intended, it hurts anyway; it's just I love you too much. 2. Our in-jokes will make me laugh long after I've forgotten why 3. Your laugh always brightens my day, even when it's got a tinge of cruelty. 4. I just wish we could be friends; I just wish I could forget the fault. 5. You're so confusing but if I bother to pay attention I usually like what I hear. 6. Always your troubles can be shared with me and vice versa. 7. I wish I'd met you later. 8. I never had any intent to like you, but it was a good surprise. 9. Your wit and "charm" always makes me wish we could be closer. 10. We never could keep our own secrets, and you're still the person I trust most.