10:37 Late Tuesday Morning (10 May 2011)

TMI Tuesday

Things on my mind:

I have a lady-parts check up today. I don't want a pap smear but I want to make sure I'm healthy before I get pregnant. I hope my doctor is a woman.

I've only ever had one pap before and it was a traumatic experience. I got it in October of 2007, almost 4 years ago, and I cried and my NP tried to put me on "mood stabilizers" because of it. Maybe I cried because I don't like strangers shoving cold speculums up my vag, did you think of that?

So I'm worried and I feel dumb because what if my Dr is like "wtf, you want to get pregnant and you've been married less than 2 years, and you're planning it this far in advance; there is something wrong with you."

I don't know what to ask. I always hate going to the Dr....And I hate my health insurance which isn't covering my pap because it's preventative care. What in the actual fuck, I mean..if I was a health insurance company I would want to pay for preventative health care because it's cheaper in the long run, you know? If I find out NOW that I have high cholesterol, I have a chance to do something about it with exercising more and eating better...rather than them having to treat me for a heart attack, you know?

ugh.

I did get a B in biochem, so that with my A in pharma brings me out of academic probation and hopefully the worst of my depression is behind me.

I..really hope I keep it together at the dr's today. I don't want to cry because I can't talk while I cry.