everything and anything is gone.. i just dont care..or i get these moments when i dont. because i know that i do about somethings but thats only because a certain someone pushed me to a challenge i'd be more than willing to take. but this isnt about that. i just wanted to write because i havnt in awhile. me and cooper are blahh.. its hard to explain it i really hate it. i really really do. it bugs me more than anything else in my life right now..next to that is this whole soccer thing.. and i hate some people i really do.. like honestly soccer is my get away and no one can see that. i hate soccer at school though, its fun, but i never try and sometimes i just give up to easily and i hate that too. i miss the smiles and the laughs and i hate the person i became over this short period of time.. i hate how i dont know you anymore.. and if you say that i know you the best out of anyone.. then your not being yourself. i hate the fact that thier not okay and how i thought they were. i hate it because it was a promise that they would always be.. and now, now it just doesnt seem that way, hes not the type to break a promise.. and love. love isnt forever i wish it was, but its just a word with so much meaning behind it. a word that wont last forever, doesnt last for forever. it lasts for a part of your lifetime, forever would be.. forever not just a section in your life. 20 years though.. it doesnt seem that long but i guess it must be. so a love so strong everything fades.. i thought it was good i really really did.. the things going on.. the smiles, the laughs, the night outs, the hugs, the i love yous, all blown up into my face as if its just an act which hinds benith it.. i have no idea. u know real friends.. even people im just getting to know ask what or if anything is wrong, even when i was mad at someone when i saw they were down i came to them and just put everything else on the side.. but no i dont get that favor.. but i guess its just cuz ur different right? ur better then it all and thats the sad part about it too. i still think about that one night, and i still wonder what it would be like it if ever happened or if i still even feel the way i did. i want to fall.. just fall in wake up as if nothing happened and just for it to be like it used to, sometimes i miss them to much.. and then maybe i just miss my life with them, it was perfect...and i was happy.

I love you.. and got to attached, I guess you will never feel the way i do because you would have never said that if you did.

-I deleted you as if you ment nothing, only to think about you constintly.

You've changed into everything i wanted you to... and i hate it. I miss everything you did about a month ago but you just dont care anymore. I wish i never said those things i wish i knew i would feel like this, i wish i knew how far away you would feel from me. Im a fucking idiot, then again maybe if you changed when i wanted you to..maybe then none of this would have even happened to make me feel like this..

its the worst feeling in the world to love & hate someone in the exact same second. its hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. when you want everything & nothing at the same time. when you want to let go but you keep holding on. when you want to move on but your stuck right where you started. when feelings come & go & you cant decide what you want. when you have so many things to say but you dont know where to start. when deep down inside you know if you lose this, its gone & it will never come back. when you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther & farther away. its so hard to think back to how things used to be & look at now & realize that things are different & they will never be the same. you tell yourself its not worth it, but if it really didnt matter, you wouldnt spend so much time thinking about it i found this on one of my friends nexopia's page.. and it just made sense to me and it ment something with me and my bestfriend...i miss him.

I dont wanna be like this but it consumes me and I cant control it. Its almost like i know im loseing you but i just cant say anything, Its what makes me like i am when i talk to you. I hate it cuz i shouldnt expect things to be like they used to, even tho thats how we both wanted it. He cant do that and im still stuck on it. I miss the phone calls and him asking me real questions instead of pointless ones and the random times he would call. I miss how he wouldnt waste a min. with me on the phone and just had to talk. I miss the random hugs and the smiles, just like him, i miss how we talked and how i layed on him without him having to think 'sexually' on it. I miss the park more than anything, but i know that even if we went back there it would make it shitty too. I miss laying there because we needed to talk for 10 mins and have it go for 2 hours. I miss the guter and the 'falls' I miss how he used to tell me his dreams without feeling awkward. I miss myself how i was around him. I miss the endless talks about who we were and things that happened to us in the past. It didnt just make me upset over the fact that, its the only thing that can make you feel like that now, but the fact how i miss you making me feel that way. i miss the fact that im not the only one whos changed. I hate how i am because of how you've changed and even though i've told you i was gunna be like this. its only cuz i knew how much you would mean to me and how small of things you needed to do to hurt me. I miss you trusting my word when i said nothing even though i knew you knew something was wrong, but you would leave it...ect most importantly i miss how you used to remember why i said i didnt like you doing it, because its not that it bugg's me or i was against it, or i didnt like it, or anything else like that because i know you know those are wrong. It hurts cause it just happened to be the fact you forgot when it was part of the conversation that had to do with me telling you why i liked you. out of all theses things that i miss... none of it matters because your more busy with everything else and im happy you've moved on like that.

Its those times when you almost think your gunna go for it and then everything turns around. Its those times you make someone feel happy again. Its those times when you realize another one feels that way. Its Those times where you realize that you were right and that you shouldn't have let it get to you so much. Its Those times When you learn how to smile. Its those times when the tears start to have meaning. Its those times that make you want to laugh. Its those times that you can be relaxed with someone. Its that look you get when you look into someones eyes. Its that feeling of never wanting to let go. Its that feeling of being Alone. Its that feeling of friendship, Of knowing someone is always gunna be there. Its the feeling of Lust and the feeling of 'love'. Its that yawn every morning you wake up because you couldnt fall asleep over the night before..

ive never ran away from anything.. untill now and its almost like i cant stop. i want to so badly but i know its wrong and I just cant. I wish he knew me better.. then he would understand but he doesnt so it just hurts more. after i hang up that phone its almost as if the last person just let me go and didnt try to even help. but it wasnt that way.. it never was. He just doesnt understand how to. Theres nothing better for me then to go n do what i've been wanting to do.. but i cant. it would just me running again and i cant do that.. not with this.,. and not now. it involes to much so much things to the point where it doesnt matter what i do because everything is here all at once and im gunna have to reck something to stop it.. but thats not me either.. someone was right about me, someone that i didnt think would have been. but he was.. he told me what i choose to do was gunna be hard... but then this other thing.. i never knew it was gunna be this hard to top every other thing off.. it was going easy untill the past month thought it would change.. but i cant see it doing that. then i make things busy for me to think maybe it would get my mind of it.. but it just made it worse.. it used to be once a day i wasnt busy it would come.. now its every secound im not busy every minunte im away from it all.. it just hits and thats ten times worse then it ever was.. but i shouldnt care, i should just let it happen.. and see what it becomes in the end.. see what happens, with everything , see what i will do with my life and what i will deiced, see what i will start doing to things i would never do.. Theres only one way to put this..and those words arent made for this feeling.

maybe its suppose to be this way.. maybe its suppose to hurt like this maybe there are going to be certain things that i just cant say.. school is over.. or just begun. i missed school today and in a way it made it all worse... i missed school not because i was sick, sore or tired.. but for other reasons.

its the only day i have that has its meaning still.. i wake up on my birthday, easter, thanksgiving.. its just another day like every other.. chirstmas.. yay a tree.. is the only thing that really makes me feel good.. other than that.. just another day.. valentine day.. is a waste and new years.. i love new years.. its the one day that still has meaning.. and this year.. i dunno if i wanna care about it anymore.. its the one day i wanted to have for me and not care.. but i did and now im stuck with it.. and its just gunna be like every other day starting the year after the heartach.

I made my bestfriend like me more.. my certain someone upset and me being the one who made them like that in over an hour because of something i did... Christmas is going to suck.. and i hate that.. New years is going to blow.. all cuz i made it that way for ...you... I need soccer..I need my music.. I need snowboarding.. and i havnt got a single one of them.

i cant even listen to my 'song' anymore.. these days when i need it the most, its not even there for me.. i guess i should just give up with anyone-thing that says thier there for me when i know its just a lie. I wish it didnt have to be like that but it is... and i cant change that. and yet some people im just to scared there gunna do the same and now all i want to to be like i was and shut up about ...everything...

..But we've already fell apart.. i dont even know them anymore.. they are both new people and new people that i cant see, i try and talk about it, or work things out just to understand but i really dont think one wants to.. or just being herself, i mean she could have thought of a better excuse but or just told me that she didnt want to go to begin with.. i acually sent forever thinking of how to put everything and how to say it.. i spent days crying over it and i chose i day that maybe just maybe would fix somethings and it would be a good weekend for everyone to be together atleast for one last day.. but no its just not gunna happen..its never going to happen for one i think is fucking gay that just becuase someone like to drink or another like talking about drugs alot n does some once and awhile then there just cut. really what nice friends eh? for something that small to ruin everything. its who the person is and i support them in it.. as much as it might not seem so but i dont care there my friends and i love them to death and i dont care if im slowly loseing them because i know half of it is my fault. I should just stop trying and let everyone fade away into there own little worlds.. i hate that what i always thought would happen happend. she moved on and now shes just a friend and barley that, the things we have to talk about happened so long ago its just as if were talking about memorise rather then good times. another one i dunno how much longer its gunna be seeing now plans are changing and i keep thinking is not gunna happen.. i dont have forever to wait and sometimes its just like thats whats expected of me.. i wanna tell them both everything and even if it wrecks it more then i wouldnt feel like i had to say something and couldnt because i lost the two bestfriends, if i can even say that anymore, and i never took the time to tell them... it just might have to be that way seeing they just wont even see eachother anymore...

8 months and 30 days.. one day short of 9 months.. and i couldnt be happier.. i love you Cooper. Best friends forvever.

it almost ended and it was all almost over in one word.. i didnt want it to be like that tho.. i wanted it to be different.. different in a way it would be okay.. in a way that he would understand but i couldnt lie when he asked if i was thinking about it cuz i have been, one cuz i can feel bt moslty because of a promise i made that im sure you were almost postive that i would forget.. i know you have other wise i doubt you would have broken it.. but i cant see us anymore.. i cant see any of us anymore... we've all fallen apart and i cant even see how this party is going to work out.. I never wanted this year to be like it is becomeing but nothing i can do can change that.. I guess its my fault because i choose this over the better life i left. The life i left just because i didnt wanna leave someone alone.. but the way i look at it now it doesnt really matter cuz its just what she did to me.. Im happy for her though cuz i doubt she could be any happier.. I just wish i said yes to my mom when she offered to stay at dt.. i wish i took that chance because i'd sure as hell have time for myself and wouldnt have this shit problem that wont leave me.. i wouldn't have that feeling come back becuase it would have already happened, i wouldnt have had been hurt from leaving becuase i never would have had to say goodbye.. i wouldnt have cried those tears and i would have never been falling apart with the friends i have now. Im loseing one i never really had.. lost one a long time ago that ive always wanted back but now its just as everyone talks about him but then theres me and i have nothing to say because i never see him.. and then theres one that ive never been more close to but yet so far away from.. and then one that just makes me have that feeling again right when everyone else did... then theres the 2 that ive never been more close with and never had more to do with my life.. and as much as i love them.. i hate the fact that there my life, i wish everyone was again. I never get to talk to ashley anymore and when i do it just seems like ive never talked to her and were falling apart. I never been more nice to everyone and yet been so mean to another.. i just wanna be the gurl everyone can get to know.. i wanna be the ladie thats fun the one i would have been...

This Is the one feeling i never wanted to see agian. But it all makes so much sence on why it started in the first place. Now Its back and i cant stand to face it. I forgot how much it hurt and how much everyone doesnt care. But its just what i get for being this person who is stuck in the middle of everything and trying to get everyone else happy rather than herself.. its where it all started and i cant help to think for a split second i felt what i missed and how other people really knew me... how i just let that happen without having to choose who got to know me or rather who i block out and who gets to know me.. and i miss that.. i miss finding out a year later that someone i never wanted to know me, knew me more than anyone else and now i would have to stay she my bestfriend.. i cant help but talk to anyone else about random things.. sometimes its as if i cant and with this i doubt i can.. its just that one thing that started everything that i would have never thought to come back, but it did.. and yet again is just another thing that never gets outs. Its that one thing that everyone holds in and everyone trys to figure out. its that one thing that everyone knows is there but isnt really sure what it is. Its everything that i thought it wasnt gunna be.. it is everything I never wanted it to be like.. but thats just my luck and will never change.. -Ive never had time for everything and had no time for myself. ..I just wanna know how they kept me going and then i look at you and remember.. and then think of how much i need to forget that part of my life and wonder why..

-The Dirtpath makes sense of everything as we walk on either side as if we've fallen apart and stubble together every now and then. We hold hands as if were for people to see for them not to realize the pain were going through. Or maybe its just me and i sit and cry and agure why I still cant say anything, i only said we because everytime its as if i hurt you more and more. The music on the street is played as a song we'll never dance to, atleast not for awhile... Its happend once its still happening you known it hurt so you've closed.

..Thoes are the things i listen for as i walk away.. i look back and all i see is the sky and a blur of whats suppose to be grass but i just cant see it that way. -Just when i thought it was over another beginning begins. -I thought about it, and for once in my mind it was over.. but then i realized everything was just hiddin from me like a big secret I never asked about. -'Your So Beautiful Right Now''I Want To, But Its Not Right''Just Do Whats In There'-Never Going To Forget that figment of a dream Untill the day you never leave. -What Ive wanted to end, ive started, What I couldnt handle, I Made it come back, What i thought was over was only the begining of something i could have ended. -What will we be when this is all over? -I wanna be like the people i see on the bus, i wanna be how we were, thats when it never happened.. and now when i think of that again it hurts more than i want it. -I wanna see her again, i wanna hear her voice and for hours have a decent convo with no breaks in it, i wanna talk to the one ladie friend i can. I miss you more than anything but i can never seem to pull away from this shit we've both been going through to talk. -The sky never changes as the leaves die cold. My heart skipps a beat but nothing else. Every season changes to bring something better.. but this season seems to last forever. This tear falls on a daily note as this song never seems to end. I can go on explaining but its never going to come out clearer than i have put it. -The feeling of loseing something has never felt so bad.. i miss it and it hasnt even started.. how stupid is that.. like fuck.. its only a season but i just can help to try n hold on to something that makes me feel so great but at the same time no that you have to last half a year without it. -It just doesnt feel like you love me like you said you did.. or maybe you just never understood it.. --You mean alot to me and i just dont want to see me lose someone like you--

I Dont wanna be like this, its not me and i know it.. I dont wanna live like this cuz its not right and i know it.. i cant help but do both of these things its a feeling and actions i cant replace and at the time its as if whatever i do i cant go back to who i was because i was less and that means its amazing and i cant have that. Im happy but at the same time more hurt than i ever have been.. i cant talk about it cuz one wants it and i no it.. the other it just wont come out right it'll be another big thing that i cant have.. it might not end to good and it'll all be cuz of me.. how i do this stupid thing and how its always gunna be this way no matter who it is or what it is, its never going to change. no matter who i tell it to and the chances they take cuz they think there any different, i cant do anymore but i want to so badly.. im being suck into my theory about everything that i cant stop n think how its not true.. its not like that and to who it is.. its not ture for me.. im different and it cant work out that way. every smile, every blush, every studder, every phone call, its all my fault and i can sit here n pretend like everythings okay but to him..to him i cant i cant do that.. i can say its okay but he will never no really.. i cant be this way.. i want to let it happen and i want/wanted it too.. but i cant, not now.. and when i need him.. its like hes never there.. i cant tell him whats wrong or i might ruin what he wants and i dont wanna hurt him or anyone else.. i dont wanna make it seem like im selfish because im not i just care about him.. and i have no idea why i cant let whats happening happen i hate the way i am cuz all im doing is just hurting him.. i wanted to be nicer i told myself i wouldnt let him go.. and now all i get is the same question being ask " do you still like me?, cuz it doesnt seem like you do anymore".. i cant help it i just cant . i hate it so much i want to just tell someone i want to go up to alex and say your right i never should have.. but at the same time i knew this was gunna happen i knew it was.. but i just didnt no it was gunna be so soon. Less.. how can u like someone less when u told them you loved them.. i guess sometime it had to have changed.. even when i come back and you say you like me more.. wow cuz i didnt see u for a week and you were busy havin a good time.. and then i hate when you get mad at me for something and then just go around and do it yourself.. you forgot what ment soo much to me.. i broke cuz of that and now im stuck this way and you forgot about it.. and then with this thing happening i dunno how much i can go threw with a smile on my face.. im back to acting and i cant help it.. i hate how i cant act with you because your more than family to me..you get what comes out of me and you get the person i would be to everyone if i had the chance... you get to see the real me and you hate it.. you hate every moment of it.. it makes u seem like u have to earn my happiness like i just cant be nice to you.. i dont want that. but for once n my life.. ive never thought so much bad things about you.. and they all leave to me being hurt more.. sometimes i think of it as a good thing cuz then u would be better off.. I hate that when something horrible happens i tell the first person who happened to call me.. i hate that when i figured it out all i wanted to do was call you.. i want to find you n just take you away to talk like we used to.. i wanted to cry with you i wanted you to know how i felt and what i was going threw...everything right now itsnt back to the way it was.. she only came back cuz she knew that he couldnt take me there.. she knew she told me she would come with me.. so he came back home and then more shit happened i cant go threw with another fight.. one more and i think be this way for along time.. just being in the house knowing that its not the same.. being how it was.. what was said.. the blood that just happened to be there, with the cuts..the door and then the picture.. i wanted to just go and get out i was leaving that day and i needed to go somewhere else.. i was ready to just leave.. go get away from everything, but i couldnt talk to that one person and that one person was the one that kept me leaving on time.. the one person i was thinking about the whole time and everything i have done wrong and how i was gunna change.. i was gunna make it how it used to be.. but i cant do that cuz he wants to know and i cant tell him..i cant say that first thing that will come out of my mounth i have to sit and smile and tell him its alright to hurt me but make it seem like hes not. -The First Tear streams down my face as im clinging to the one im just gunna lose. -You've found that amazing one.. now you just gotta lose the girl. -If I wasn't jealous i would just be heartbroken if I wasn't heartbroken, then none of this would have happened.

Its something that ive known forever but just ignored it, its something thats always been there.. but i needed that night for it too kick in..they just dont care. I could be sitting there hanging from a tree about to kick the chair away and all they would do would tell me not to and for me to stop n how stupid it was.. they wouldnt do anything about it though. they never would, they dont care that much.. i dont belong and i never have, ever since that one time awhile ago i found myself fighting to hold on I should have just left, but i didnt and now im here fighting again but this time i dont know if i want to hold on, i dont know if its worth it, i dont know if i need it like i know i do, I want to just go for whatever time i have left of summer and just be happy, ive forgotten how to be becuase i havnt been and this pain that just came back hurts like nothing i can remember. I miss smileing and i miss just being me..last night i couldnt be.. and i cant be as much as i want to, i have no idea which me to be. i know what one makes me happy and what one makes me normal. and what one i used to be. the one i used to be was how i was.. i hated it and its all cuz i cant go on doing this anymore, i give up...