Another shitty night..ugh. I mean last night it was just the same. the night b4 that, and all different reasons. yet its funny how they all have to do with Guys. The first night was cause of Devon..I mean that guy is something. Im over him and i dunno if i like it. I mean he was the only one that i could just smile over nothing for. I mean someone across the room could be talking and just say Devon and i would smile, even if they werent talkinga bout the same guy. and i mean thats a great feeling to have over someone, and it just hurts to be over someone that made you feel like that. but then again its something that i was trying to do for years and when i finally got over him, it just hurts. Then there was last night that was about Brett, he is amazing he truly is. Hes really sweet and takes everything slow and is just a super great guy. I love being around him and it challenges me to make choices when im with him, cuz we both hate it and it just works with me, he treats me great and he makes me happy. and yet all i have been is busy and never have the time to see him, every time he asks me its like i cant do anything with him cuz im already doing something with someone else. Hes my boyfriend you would think that he would come frist, but how i have been acting it just doesnt seem like that, And now, with my new bangs im so scared to see him, cuz i dont know how he will act, and it hurts to even be thinking that way with him. But its just who i am and what i do. I havnt talked to him since Christmas and i miss him like crazy, and so far i only have 2 days i can see him for the rest of the break, other than that everyone wants to do something with me, and im so sick and tired of having no time for anything "I" wanna do, im always busy and always rushing everything to the last min. and its like i have no time formyself..or For my own Boyfriend which is one thing that i did want for me. I chose to be with someone and yet i can never have the time for them. It sucks cuz all i want to do is be with him. I feel bad cuz he probably feels like im treating him like shit, and i dont want that, i want to be able to talk to him and for once in a really long time, i want to be able to have a relationship that i can give all of me to that one person and not just one part of me to them. But i dunno. I just hope everything will get better with me and him, and i hope i will see him soon. Then..there was tonight. I dunno I just got thinking about how everytime i finally get something that makes me happy, or something like that i ALWAYS mess it up, and i dont want to do that anymore, im sick of recking things as soon as they make me happy, its almost like nothing can go right and everything in my life always has to crash down. and then its always with things i say, i just blurd out my words without thinking, and i never knew that saying "you should always think b4 you say" or something like that, would be true, i mean u should be able to just say what u think and be honest with things, or people, but when it has to do with me, and things that make me happy. Nope i cant do that, and then it just makes me feel like im living a lie, and trust me i did that one time. and it was nothing but hell. I hated it and i its just not me to be like that. But yet I find that i have to just to keep the things that make me happy. Then there is the people that think im the greatest.That im so amazing and awesomefuly and ..it can go on. But yeah i can be nice and what not and yeah its me and who i am to try and make everyone around me happy,even if it comes to the point where i have to make my like hell. But you know out of all the times ive done that, i think ive only ever been happy with a few of them, i cant remember them at the moment which really means they must have not been that important. But all i no is that i hate acting so fake around everyone just to be the person they want me to be, i tired of trying to get bk my past in a skewl that is competely different, and is opp. from everything at my old skewl. I sick of being hurt over the fact of missing my old friends that have changed so much, that i never have the time to catch up on things with them. I hate how i keep hoping my friends will stop useing me and stop lieing when i should just accept everything and live with it. I hate how everyone just looks through me and never take the time to notice who i am and realize that im not as stupid as i seem, but yet theres only one person that knows that, and really I have no idea how long that person is gunna be here.. .Love.You.Always.xoxo. .Billy.