I Dont wanna be like this, its not me and i know it.. I dont wanna live like this cuz its not right and i know it.. i cant help but do both of these things its a feeling and actions i cant replace and at the time its as if whatever i do i cant go back to who i was because i was less and that means its amazing and i cant have that. Im happy but at the same time more hurt than i ever have been.. i cant talk about it cuz one wants it and i no it.. the other it just wont come out right it'll be another big thing that i cant have.. it might not end to good and it'll all be cuz of me.. how i do this stupid thing and how its always gunna be this way no matter who it is or what it is, its never going to change. no matter who i tell it to and the chances they take cuz they think there any different, i cant do anymore but i want to so badly.. im being suck into my theory about everything that i cant stop n think how its not true.. its not like that and to who it is.. its not ture for me.. im different and it cant work out that way. every smile, every blush, every studder, every phone call, its all my fault and i can sit here n pretend like everythings okay but to him..to him i cant i cant do that.. i can say its okay but he will never no really.. i cant be this way.. i want to let it happen and i want/wanted it too.. but i cant, not now.. and when i need him.. its like hes never there.. i cant tell him whats wrong or i might ruin what he wants and i dont wanna hurt him or anyone else.. i dont wanna make it seem like im selfish because im not i just care about him.. and i have no idea why i cant let whats happening happen i hate the way i am cuz all im doing is just hurting him.. i wanted to be nicer i told myself i wouldnt let him go.. and now all i get is the same question being ask " do you still like me?, cuz it doesnt seem like you do anymore".. i cant help it i just cant . i hate it so much i want to just tell someone i want to go up to alex and say your right i never should have.. but at the same time i knew this was gunna happen i knew it was.. but i just didnt no it was gunna be so soon. Less.. how can u like someone less when u told them you loved them.. i guess sometime it had to have changed.. even when i come back and you say you like me more.. wow cuz i didnt see u for a week and you were busy havin a good time.. and then i hate when you get mad at me for something and then just go around and do it yourself.. you forgot what ment soo much to me.. i broke cuz of that and now im stuck this way and you forgot about it.. and then with this thing happening i dunno how much i can go threw with a smile on my face.. im back to acting and i cant help it.. i hate how i cant act with you because your more than family to me..you get what comes out of me and you get the person i would be to everyone if i had the chance... you get to see the real me and you hate it.. you hate every moment of it.. it makes u seem like u have to earn my happiness like i just cant be nice to you.. i dont want that. but for once n my life.. ive never thought so much bad things about you.. and they all leave to me being hurt more.. sometimes i think of it as a good thing cuz then u would be better off.. I hate that when something horrible happens i tell the first person who happened to call me.. i hate that when i figured it out all i wanted to do was call you.. i want to find you n just take you away to talk like we used to.. i wanted to cry with you i wanted you to know how i felt and what i was going threw...everything right now itsnt back to the way it was.. she only came back cuz she knew that he couldnt take me there.. she knew she told me she would come with me.. so he came back home and then more shit happened i cant go threw with another fight.. one more and i think be this way for along time.. just being in the house knowing that its not the same.. being how it was.. what was said.. the blood that just happened to be there, with the cuts..the door and then the picture.. i wanted to just go and get out i was leaving that day and i needed to go somewhere else.. i was ready to just leave.. go get away from everything, but i couldnt talk to that one person and that one person was the one that kept me leaving on time.. the one person i was thinking about the whole time and everything i have done wrong and how i was gunna change.. i was gunna make it how it used to be.. but i cant do that cuz he wants to know and i cant tell him..i cant say that first thing that will come out of my mounth i have to sit and smile and tell him its alright to hurt me but make it seem like hes not. -The First Tear streams down my face as im clinging to the one im just gunna lose. -You've found that amazing one.. now you just gotta lose the girl. -If I wasn't jealous i would just be heartbroken if I wasn't heartbroken, then none of this would have happened.