wow. its been forever since i heard this song and you know the first person i thought of when i heard it again.. Devon.. and then all of the memories came back of when i left and how everyone told me to shut up n got soo annoyed cuz i talked about him forever n i liked him so much.. and he was perfect for me at the time n what not.. and how i called him from winnipeg n never wanted to hang up the phone and how everytime his name came up on msn or someone would talk about him how much it would just make me smile because i liked him alot. and then i sit in think.. did i really like him that much? or did i even really know him.. cuz i didnt. i didnt know him at all. i mean yeah i knew the little things about him.. and sometimes when you dont know someone that much it takes alot for them to hurt you or make you feel bad.. and i just got attached to that more than anything cuz i felt like nothing could go wrong, it did and now he can be such a jerk and i like him nothing more than i friend and dont think i could ever like him anything more than just a friend. now i sit and i think of how much i get mad at cooper n how much he can do the most stupidest little things that just hurt me the most.. and i always think of my parents about how much they dont do to eachother but when they do, do something its so small but they can be in an arguement for months over something so small.. and i guess its just how well u know the person and the more close u are to them the more every stupid lil thing hurts.. and sometimes i look at him and i think how can i still be with him when he doesnt get it? how come everytime i walk home alone i think why didnt i make him come with me?.. why was i so mad to just let him go??.. but its just cuz of who i am and how much of a nice gurl n i know that he doesnt wanna go out of his way when hes having fun to just walk me home.. or to just stay with me n watch tv or just listen to music.. rather be in a big group n i just let him go n do that.. sometimes i wish i didnt but at the end of the day im always thinking and being so hard on myself for leaving in such a bad mood n just taking it all out on cooper when he is trying to be a good boyfriend and everytime its as if hes doing something wrong.. but hes not i just am.. and he doesnt even know.. as much as he knows im just being nice n what not. i mean i know yesterday i had a chance to tell him the one thing that has been bugging me but i couldnt, and now he has the wrong impression and what not.. i mean i have nothing agaisnt anyone.. and ugh man, just the thing i have to say could just mess shit up and im so sure of it that im so scared to do anything or say anything to change anything just wait for a bit.. and then its high school next year and im soo pumped to start over and everything and im so glad that i never got close to anyone in the school just to lose them again.. and as much as i know how it feels i hate that feeling more than anything and i dont think i could take it even if it wasnt as bad as b4, but still, in a way im more happy then ever just to be free n can finally be me next year and not have to worrie.. even tho theres alot of people i will know from fairview at Central.. but i look at it as im gunna start over n its gunna be great.. i love just thinking about it.. but yet i feel bad..cuz there was ppl so sad baout leaving and i was so fucking happy to walk out thoes door and so glad i will never see some of thoes people ever again and as much as i know they were all super nice people and everything.. just the way they were.. and the way i couldnt just be me.. i missed that more than anything tho.. now that i think about it i loved the way i could be myself in dt just cuz noone would care or judge you.. if they laughed it would be with you.. or i just wouldnt care.. but hey... its all over with now and as much as i miss it.. im leaving it and next year.. or this summer i finally wanna move on and just live.. and not be stuck weeping over shit that happened in the past and what not cuz none of it matters..i wanna be the random person i was and the fun one i was.. i miss that ladie and im sick of keeping her help in. so this summer is gunna be great. i say so.. and if some of my friends that i have now have a problem with me.. then i will let them go cuz real friends shouldnt care...and im pretty sure my friends wont mind cuz they are all great people and.. holy shit im done on that topic... repeitive i was on it, but its summer and i cant be more happy and yet scared shitless but loving it all at the same time... im scared cuz its new and im scared cuz of cooper.. and im scared cuz of the things i can do.. and im scared cuz of people moving.. like fuck why does Danny have to move.. that kid was amazing and i dont think i would ever see him again and im gunna miss him with a fucking passion.. and then Darren that kid was sweet like no other.. and wow i had the best few days with him ever.. and i mean i cant keep my promise i made with him and i was so head over heels for that kid i think thats why i made it, but anyways maybe he will come down this summer n i would get to see him... doubt it tho. you know i think i have a thing with guys n how they dont live in Calgary n yet me never getting to see them again.. im just a weird one i guess.. just like me with likeing short blonde guys.. i got over that tho.. *phew* i dont think i can find much guys that are shorter than me now.. pretty hard when im this short.. anyways tomorrow im leaving and i havnt packed yet. im going just 2 hours away to this place for a family reunion and im not all excited about it,i wish i asked if cooper could have came a while back..but i didnt cuz its a "family" thing. well i thought anyways, but my sister is bring her boyfriend and it makes me mad cuz i wanted to sleep in a tent to but noo im not gunna sleep in a shitty small one thanks.. but i guess i can live sleeping in the motor home with the rest of my family other then sleeping in a tent by my sister n her boyfriend listening to them having sex every min.. like fuck, somtimes it makes me mad how my sister wont go anywhere unless she has her boyfriend.. i mean "oh sam and so n so are coming" " why not just sam" " cuz she wont come other wise" oh well tho. i just hate how she ALWAYS gets her way just cuz its sam and doesnt have to do shit around the house just cuz " she works" well she isnt anymore and still doesnt do shit. dont get me wrong i love her with a fucking passion just sometimes she pisses me off.. well then there is all the rain and i love rain like no other and it makes my day but its been raining SO much and now its stoped and the Mosqutoes.. holy fuck.. ive gotten bitting so much and the bug spray doesnt help.. i have to stick it one every 10 mins its insane.. ive never seen so many bugs in my life.. oh! and my room. its done now i think i said that in another entry but anyways im so pumped to get it finsihed but how i want it i think it will take a year or so to be finished but im excited cuz it will give me something to work on.. and i realized that i eat alot when somethings bugging me and i like to make my food only cuz it makes me forget about things and its nice to just forget about it for a little while and eating makes me forget.. but then again to some of my friends that might mean i eat alot but i dont.. well i do, but not as much as when something is bugging me everytime. cuz i got soccer n music n well of course my friends to help me with that stuff.. and my baby to help me which he has like no other on my life..and yet out of it all i dunno if i wanna say 'it' only cuz.. ugh.. im so confused about it and its driving me insane like i dunno if i do cuz of the other and if i do then yeah.. and maybe if i say it i will realize it.. cuz it happened b4 that way n yeah.. i just dont wanna use it and then have everything end with another wasted word that shouldnt be.. and even now.. when im all being me.. and hes all him and doesnt get some stuff.. but i dont blame him i dont think most guys would.. only cuz i never said anything its like guessing whats behind a brick wall that you have never seen b4.. 'Sitting all alone, wanting him to be there, I see you walking over, i look at him, only to turn to you and smile' .Bailey.