well im sitting here and ive been trying to write in here for over a month just never can get the right words to put down. That or i keep getting phone calls and that just messes up my train of thought. But oh well im writing now arent i? My tip to the west coast was AMAZING it was one of the best things i think i could have done, it made me mad cuz the whole time i was there i was talking about my past n shit.. well either talking or thinking about it and it made me more upset. anyways i still had an amazing time no matter what i was thinking about could have recked that. I realized alot of things and also come closer to a friend that i thought i would never really be friends with. I love hanging with him too, it was relaxing.. just like old times.I felt like i could be happy without having to worrie that i would lose that. but i did.. i lost it and really it was for the best cuz it was only recking mine and his relationship with our boyfriendgirlfriend. so now we deiceded that it would be best if we both just never hung out for a long long time but we could just talk.. but it was weird..I felt safe with him..not as in i liked him more than a friend... but cuz in dtms i always felt safe and i felt like it didnt matter what the hell i was doing cuz i would be doing it without having ppl jugde me for it.. or well atleast not careing. but he made me feel like i could do that again.. Ive never made a closer friend in such a short time.. but then agian ive never lost one that fast either.. But ever since i made that friend all me n Cooper have been doing is agureing latly..more and more and its bugging me and yet its scaring me cuz he is the only one that can make me happy and yet i see him so much that hes is getting to be how i treat my family.. i will get mad at the tinyest things and then we agure over it and just.. ugh i dunno its just different from being friends to boyfriend n girlfriend theres different expectations and i only realized that i have that now with him. and i feel bad cuz i loved having him as my friend but now its like i need him there for me.. when really i dont. but i act like it, and i really dont want to see him everyday.. i want to have more of a life than that. I think its retarded that i see him every day. i mean yeah i really like him and would miss him if i didnt.. its just I dont wnat my life to end up like somepeoples and having to ALWAYS be with that only person like im addicted and have no time for my other friends.. I mean im happy for him seeing that he can stand me being around other guys.. cuz thats mostly my friends.. is just guys and i dont think i could stand being with him if he couldnt take the fact of me being around my friends.. but other than that update Im never telling my family anything about my life again.. maybe my dad but not my mom, i mean im glad she tried to change for the better by not yelling at me so much.. but now its even worse.... not saying anything and just expecting me to do something without knowning and then getting mad about it.. or just more n more not being in a good mood at all. and then just takeing all the looks out on me like i did something wrong. its hurts and its like thats what i get for telling u somethings that i didnt like about my family shit and you just go n make it worse. then yesterday my dad scared the hell out of me and no matter how much i hear him yell n get mad it still makes me so scared even if its not towards me but yesterday my sister was just really pissing me off n i couldnt take it anymore and then my dad stepd in and yea.. wasnt the greatest. and then there is other things that just went right back to how they always were and it pisses me off, its like im always gunna be the last one n just the one that sits there off to the side like in advisor i was sitting there next to cooper and he was talking to someone else and i looked around and everyone had someone just come up to them n just talk but me.. its like being with cooper makes me invisable everywhere else.. but yet b4 cooper i dont think i was anybetter. and still when i've told people what they have done wrong like some of my cloest friends they tell me they will stop but turn around n make it worse.. u no maybe i should just not try n fix my problems that i have with ppl cuz everytime i seem to it always fucks it up more. but hey at least in trying right? and then there more.. like Danny. alright i really like him and its bugging me cuz i had such a fun time with him at his Judo thing it was amazing. I havnt had that much fun in awhile, then again i no how much i love talking with all three of them ( Danny, Weston and Daniel) there 3 of the most funnest people ive ever met and they just happen to live in the same province i love. like Bc being there out on Edgewater was amazing i couldnt stand how much i love just being there and yet i have no idea what it is about Bc that i love, i just love it. Ugh there was so much crap that just goes on n on and i really cant get into all of it right now.. Oh one more thing is well i have this stupid reflex thing and if i eat a meal and then lay down right after i will throw up n the middle of the night.. or if in really stressed out i will throw up n the middle of the night and the last few nights havnt been the best and its been pissing me off. and then Soccer well it just bugs me cuz it feels like my whole team cant remeber how to play soccer.. like come on calls on throw ins.. ladies i no how u can play and the last few games i havnt seen it, i love u ladies to death and everything but it just dissapoints me sometimes.. .XoxO. .Bailey.