Im Sitting here in my boyfriends hoodie nothing else trying to understand what i ment in my last entry..when i read it its as if i knew how i felt and then out of the blue its like i just cant stop thinking about other things and all of the sudden i have no idea anymore.. I go and have so much fun and i always thought i would be so lost without him and yet i go n just have fun. and then i see him and i realize that hes the one that would be lost without me.. and i know i like him more than anything but all we have talked about is how much we like eachother and how much more he likes me and the way he says it and talks about it , its like im the bad one im the one that never wants to see him and dont have time for him anymore.. and he makes me feel like i just cant do anything right anymore. I mean i love seeing him n i want to be with him and i like him more that anything its just so hard, im so confused about how i like him and so scared at the same time.. i dont want to get hurt and feel like i did and at the same time i dont wanna pass this up if i do.. and if i do im not sure if i wanna make myself believe that just cuz of how it will end.. and i keep thinking that im gunna be the one to end it all in highschool and i hate that i really really do.. u no how weird i will feel around him n what not.. and then today he said something to me and i started to cry like wtf he shouldnt be saying that stuff. and it reminded me of me in the past and how stupid i thought but at the time it all made sense and it felt soo right and i just cant stand it cuz to him i cant explain anything i learned just cuz i no he would just be like ' i no i get it and u just dont understand'..blah blah blah.. cuz i already tried but then again i didnt no much but at the same time i knew enough and its just so hard that i didnt wanna get into anything.. and my friends.. i need to be with them.. without him and what not just cuz i want to have a life when everything if over... i want him to be a part of it still but i dont wanna be like other people i no of and has just lost people and it would be so hard for me after.. i just dont want that.. and he just thinks i dont wanna see him. its hard and sometimes it bugs me cuz its like we had this great time today..well i liked it cuz we just talked n layed.. and hes like 'can we have fun next time' and i know what he means by that and its like.. sure but i dunno its just so different. and it bugs me sometimes but at the same time its like yeah i like him.. and ever since i told him everything on how i feel its as if i dont care how long it takes me to figure it out or if i even need too..but i want to more than anything i just dont have the time to sit n think or even be with him enough to realize or just to be me.. My mom had this foot sugery and i dont feel that bad cuz i know she is fine i just feel for her like i always have to be there and just tell her to sit down n take it easy cuz she always wants t be getting up and she cant, my dad says he will feed her but sometimes forgets and she gets hungry.. like today i was leaving n stuff so i couldnt start anything and my dad finally started something but it wasnt what she wanted and she was so hungry i felt bad but she did get lots to eat.. i just hope she will be able to walk around in 2 days like the doctor says so.. then there my sister.. she is everything.. as much as we fight i hate it.. my dad just told me 2 days ago that she is leaving at the end of next month and she is never home on weekends always out weekday nights and im never home in the days and were fighting right now and i know that when she leaves she wont be back anytime soon.. im gunna miss her more than anything. im not ready for her to leave i know she is old enough that yeah she should move out n get her own house.. and i think i would be fine with it if i knew she would come back.. but she hates it here living in this house with family she wont come to any of the family things and if she does she wont stay for long and shes this huge part of my life and shes just leaving.. i knew it was gunna happen but not so soon.. maybe if we were having a good time with eachother it would be better too.. but for a year or so its always been keith so this with me... and im left out with everything i do or say one little thing its glares for a month and i cant take that not now when she is leaving.. i just sit here and i cant stop feeling tears just roll over the fact that i wont see her.. its going to be different and i hate it then again.. it might have also been different if i found out from her, not my dad. that just hurt more. I Need her to be here for me when things go bad or when i need someone to talk to or when i need help with school or when i just need help with anything.. i wanna be there for her and be her little sister.. i no i always will be but its just not the same when she doesnt wanna be around anymore..