I cant take it anymore I mean when you think you can trust someone and then as soon as they want something its like whatever you told them didnt matter? Even tho they sat there and looked you in your eyes and told you that you could trust them? It sucks that everyone that makes me smile turns out to be a fake and just uses you. It sucks cause its right when i feel like changing my life and right when i think i'm around people that can make it happen, They just turn it around and make everything more hard and make me scared to change. Make me not want to get to know people anymore. They just make me want to run again, then again they will never know how i feel beacause im not suppose to know, meaning i just have to act like nothing happpened and act all fake and happy, right after i told thoes people i could be myself around them.. I wrote that awhile ago, i just never had internet for awhile, and well it was when i was having fights with my sister also, those werent good, i mean she was being all Bitchy and crap , and i no she has to be responsible cuz my rents r gone, but still she was the one telling me about a month ago " dont worrie Bailey they will be gone soon and then for 2 weeks it will be great" but no she just treats me the same as they did, as soon as they left, i realized that i wanted to get away from my "family" not just my parents. I mean now more than ever more of the old me is coming bk, but the part i didnt want to, Ive been lieing around my house, and even lied to one of my friends, i didnt mean to, and i know for a fact that Im stoping that again. Everything is scaring me tho, because I know that no matter how much i want to be who i used to be..wel part of who i used to be, i can never be that person again, i change for reasons and once someone changes they cant go bk, i mean they can change again, but they will never be the person they were. When i realized that i just let go of trying and let the change take over...some of the things i really dont like, Ive been more open to people i barely even no, Im acting like myself a little to much then i should be, and I know that you should always be yourself, but for me thats not always a good thing. I dunno I know that it will pass soon. But still, Im getting more and more busy and i hate it, I CANT say no and then i just end up making to much plans and have a friend getting pissed at me for it. and i hate more than anything how i just let my friends plan my days for me, I mean i no i wrote this b4 but its really starting to get to me. I mean and if i do say no, the people i say no too, get all pissed and i can see it, only they act like nothings wrong, then there me that finds out l8er from someone else that there was.. Anyways, About the first thing i wrote.. I dunno i was thinking about it alot and no matter what people r gunna do to me, I will start being me more around them, and yet there gunna start hearing what i have to say, and im not gunna care if im all bicthy, cuz thet hurt me and Its not me that should be acting all happy and being hurt when i can say something and maybe change everything, then again I dont know words..well to me sometimes just mean nothing i mean someone cant just go up to someone and change who they are..so me saying stuff could just reck the friendship or hurt them. but thats okay, cuz its who i am. And most of the time it will be good for me to yell or get mad at someone lol. But yeah. I dunno Im thinking to much on things these days. I miss Brett I dunno its only friday lol and i saw him at skewl but its not that i do miss him everyday, its just the fact that i no for sure that i wont be able to see him for the weekend and that hes a long ways away. and that i dont have his present yet, and that its his b-day, which bugs me..lol but thats okay. cuz I talked to him about that. but still. I hope he does good in hockey this weekend anyways.. Well since i havnt wrote in hear in awhile and i did something i havnt b4 lol i will write it. well on New years eve. I went over to Bretts house it was ablast i really had fun being with him, It was his Sister Janna's b-day party also and she is 23 now so yea..lol his other sister kept giving me n Brett drinks and what not, and then there me that hasnt gotten drunk b4 having wine..which i hate..and rum and coke. lol it was fun being drunk..well i had fun anyways, But its one thing i wont be doing for awhile, I threw up..alot lol. It was hell for the night, Gladly i didnt have to go home lol. I went over to Macs house with Chad, Cooper and Katie, They had fun there, i guess. Im not that sure about Cooper, he sat with me tha whole night that i was at Macs house anyways. He cleaned out "the bucket" for me everytime i woke up and puked, and he was a great bestfriend that night, Thx. And then there was Brett, I mean i never realized how much he cared for me that night, it made me feel really great inside because..i dunno how to explain it but it was really sweet of him, he treated me amazingly also. I mean jeez if it was some of my ex boyfriends...haha. i dont wanna get into that one. But yeah the next day i heard sum messed up storys of mine, it was great, and i just had a lil bit of a head ach. But then it was funny that night cuz Dillon called me from Winnipeg drunk, he was one funny one, but yeah im not gunna get into that one. Im out...for now anyways. .Love.You.Always. Bailey