Ugh okay..this is gunna be a guy entry and im going to try and be as honest as possible and im sorrie if i hurt anyones feelings by saying the things im going to i've giving up on private entrys for a bit I mean i might write more but isnt it always nice just to let things go and just be an open person? Maybe ppl will finally understand some things about me if i was but its hard for me to be open, even with the people that i need to be open with the most, like my boyfriends..for one.. Kev- I was never open with you because I ALWAYS think ahead and wonder what it will be like when we broke up and i didnt know how it would be or anything and i was scared if I told you anything you would just go and let it all out, i shouldnt have been cause I know when i was sad it buged you and you never wanted to see me that way and i know that if i just told you half of the things maybe then you would understand and I wish i could say so much to you but i cant..I feel weird around you now and i have no idea why everytime you say something to me I get this weird feeling inside and freeze up and have no idea what so say, its like im a whole new person now around you and i hate it. It bugs me how i dont know what why everything ended yea i have an idea but still not postive, Ive heard alot of shit though thats not true like me cheating on you, but yet I didnt want to say anything seeing that I doubt you would have believed a word i said but i just thought i'd let out my thoughts on that. okay well I was thinking last night on alot of shit and to tell you the truth i ended up doing something that i never wanted to but thought would happen and i hate myself for it seeing I thought I could stay away from it all but i started to believe what other people were telling me, like when everyone started asking me if I thought you treated me like shit, it started with me saying no to a i dunno to a yes but really you never did you were great to me, i mean not all relationships are perfect and i knew that There was gunna be times when i didnt feel like i wanted to still be with you but I would move on from it. And yet the whole time..well the last few months "I" was the one treating YOU like shit and i feel horrible for it. I mean we did do alot of shit together and I enjoyed everything i did with you, Even when i was just sitting there watching you play hockey I dont think I can watch another hockey game without thinking about you, You made me find another thing that made me happy and I thank you for it. All of this isnt me saying i want you back cuz i dont I just want you as a friend again where we will be able to do shit together because When i think about it I dont think i was ever just a friend for that long You've always been a friend with Benifits or a bf to me and I just thought it was funny and everything, i just wanted to explain myself when it came and I knew that here i maybe could I know i didnt all that well and there are more i'd wish to say but I dont think you really care, nor i think would u even read this but just my thoughts on everything. Moving on... Cooper-Wow, I have tons to say about you but you are one I really want to push myself to tell you in person and if you read this PLEASE dont mention what im going to say or ask about it or anything becuz i want to do it myself without you asking cuz then i'll get all nervous and shit and not want to tell you but i'll feel i have to.. Then theres Devon-If you all want to know what i have to say about him then its on my First love? entry and i still mean all of that but yet the end part talking about me liking this new guy will that guy ended up like every other guy and I really dont wanna talk about that lol it was just a stupid crush that guy..But Devon wow, your something different and i thank you for EVERYTHING we did together you made me happy for those 3 times we dated to bad 2 of them only last 1-2 months and the 3rd one only 3 months and 11 days haha. and you shouldnt worrie about not finding another chick cuz im always here lol. even tho i no you want a new person but she will come long sooner or later and see you the way i did and you will be happy with her. Well i think thats all the guys i'd like to write about, well the ones that have been bugging me these last few weeks or months lol who knows. But anyways Hopefully the stampede will be fun Im still not sure who im all going with but thats okay. Today is gunna be a nice and relaxing day for me haha nothing to do untill later in the afternoon when i have a soccer game for the Crystals agian Some of my team is playing up too man im excited! aaha i love soccer but I think im going to go and hope to god that my parents dont take stuff out on me seeing my sister is getting in shit cuz her bf slept over last night and they were suppose to sleep in diff beds but you all no that didnt happen....Oh well Im in a good mood i think today..feeling shy and weird but good. Love you xoxox Billy