gosh. where do i begin. lastnight i went to youth group WITHOUT lauren. i wanted her to come with me more than anything in the ENTIRE world but she didn't. i tried allll day at school yesterday to try and get her to come and it upset me so much that she didn't. you have no idea. when i got to youth group lastnight i didn't talk to anyone forever..i just sat away from everyone else and listened to the cd i had playing in my walkman. then our youth pastor, mary-ellen, came over and started talking to me because i'm guessing she noticed i was upset or whatever..and one of the first things she said to me was, "trust me, you can't tune the world out" and then she smiled. she's pretty cool and i was glad she talked to me but honestly i didn't want to be there..not without lauren. after mary-ellen talked to me i told myself that i couldn't do this..i HAD to be okay..at least until i got home. the whole night i avoided braden though. i said one world to him..that's it. one freaking word to the guy i used to be happy to tell people i loved. well..i'm not sure what i'm feeling towards him right now..or for that matter..what i'm feeling about a lot of things right now but i'm not going to get into that at this very moment. anyways. to cut the long story short..when i got home from youth group it was already 8:45 but i tried calling lauren (which, by the way, i had already tried calling 3 times) but no one answered so i looked to see if megan had called but she hadn't so i called her real quick. we only got to talk for about 5 minutes though. oh well. it didn't really matter at that point. so anyways. after i got off the phone with her i just laid there in bed..in the dark..for like a million years. then i turned on my cd player and listened to "broken" by seether over and over while i cried myself to sleep. pretty pathetic huh :-( :-( today was better than i thought it would be..by far. before first period when allie and i were standing where we always stand in the morning..lauren actually stopped and talked to me until the tardy bell rang..which was like more then five minutes..and she said she left me a reallly long message online lastnight and i told her i didn't get it. buuuutt i did. actually i JUST got it. i guess my dad never signed me off this morning and i figured he would have. so yay! anyways. school was pretty much blah but it was actually a very good day..just one of thoughs floaty by days..ya know? i wrote lauren something.. and i thought it was funny because in math tara told me that they had a spanish test today..so when tara and i walked up together, like always, i waited on lauren and all the sudden i see her racing down the hallway towards me and when she wasn't even halfway down the hallway, without stopping, she started to say "i can't talk--" and i cut her off and was like "--because you have a spanish test..i know..here" and i handed her the note i wrote her. it was cool. maybe you had to be there. then after 8th period lauren came to MY locker and talked to me for awhile. she never does that. so i don't know. oh yeah..she told me that she reallly liked the cd i made her. yay!!! and she's calling me later tonight so we can talk about what's going on with braden and i plus a bunch of other stuff that we haven't had the chance to talk to eachother about. yay! braden wrote me something today and he almost didn't give it to me but i made him. it pretty much said he feels like he's losing me and he thinks it's something he did..and whatever it is he wants me to tell him so he can fix it and that he misses me. i wish he knew how sorry i am and how ALL of this is MY fault not his. i miss him too. i just need to think about some things. braden i'm sorry.