+ tara got her early arrival taken away, so she had to come to 1st period study hall this morning..which means i got to sit with her. yay :-) + jonathan's funny and he definitely makes me smile pretty darn big..which hasn't been happening very often lately. + math is really retarded right now because i don't understand it at all and i figure i better be asking someone for help here pretty soon or i'm going to fail my final :-( + but on the bright side, i absolutely LOVE the people in my math class. they are truly awesome and they definitely all make my day very happy :-) + we had a biology test today and i'm pretty sure that i did good on it, or at least i hope i did because i really needed to. so i have my fingers crossed. + it's thursday which means that tomorrow's friday and that equals the lovely weekend!! thank god, i really need a break. i'm so stressed out with finals coming up and everything. so breaks = good! + i made lauren a cd last night and she better darn well like it...no, LOVE it!! i've been trying to find and download songs allll week for her, just so i could make her a wonderful cd. so yeah. that's how much i love her. so if she doesn't like it for some reason, then i hope to god that she at least appreciates the effort. + i haven't really been talking to my parents a lot the past few days. i've tried avoiding it whenever i can and i think i'm doing a good job of it. and don't ask me why i am, because it's way too complicated and you probably wouldn't understand anyways. + braden told me that all my problems would probably go away if i concentrated more on God, and it really upset me. it just shows how clueless he is with what's going on with me right now, and that he doesn't truly understand at all. + i told him that i thought i needed to talk to a psychologist or something because i have so much going on in my head right now, but i feel like i can't talk to ANYBODY about any of it. not lauren, not sara, not anyone. i've tried, but i just can't do it. i feel like i need someone who i can talk to that doesn't really know me personally. someone who i can just talk to and know that i'm not going to see them at school everyday. the things that i NEED to talk about right now are things that i CAN'T talk to my friends or my parents about. i just can't. but i know that i need help. i don't understand what's going on with me at all right now, and it's honestly starting to scare me..because i feel like i don't know me anymore. i know that must sound weird but it's true. i don't know how to talk to God about it though. i can't go to him..i know i need to but i just can't..i feel like i can't, and i don't know why. that's one of the many things that i don't understand right now, why can't i go to God? why? he understands..i know he does. so why can't i talk to him? when lauren wrote me yesterday, most of her letter was about how i need to stay strong, especially in God. and when i read it i almost cried, because SHE doesn't even know. she doesn't know that i CAN'T talk to God. that i'm NOT okay in my faith and that i don't know if or when i ever will be again. my best friend doesn't know. and that really upsets me. + i want tara to spend the night with me tomorrow but i'm not sure yet if she is or not. i really hope so though. + crew leaves for cinncinatti (sp?) tomorrow. lauren can't come to lunch, most likely :-( because she has to go to third street deli to pick up stuff for her and some of the girls. i want to see her before she leaves. i miss her already and she's not even gone. + i had therapy from 4-5:30 and it went pretty well. there's this student named alicia and i really like her. she's been there for 8 weeks and has like 1 more before she graduates :-) she's nice. + alright, i freaking miss megan :-( why's this always happen. her and i have like a falling out thing every couple months or something, then we're fine. ughhh! i hate it. i really miss her. i wish she knew how much though :-( + okay, i'm done now. later hoes :-)