shouldn't letting go be easy? especially if it's something that hurts you very, very much. i always thought that is should be, but now that i find out how HARD it actually is i know how WRONG i was. how do you let go of someone? someone who, as much as they hurt you, still means the world to you. that's what im trying to figure out. but i can't. i got into a fight with lauren yesterday during lunch and then she ignored me the rest of the day..and wouldn't talk to me online last night. so i would've NEVER expected that she would come to lunch with me today, but surprisingly she did. and when she first came in i was like, "you're here..are you mad at me?" and she was like, "well i wouldn't say that." and after that, we didn't talk like the entire time while i was eating. then finally she asked me to go out with her into the hall and when we got out there i was like, "lauren what are me doing?" and she was like, "what do you mean?" and i was like, "i don't understand. i'm surprised that you're even here..why ARE you here?" and she was like, "yeah i don't understand it either, but something told me to come and when i feel that way i listen..maybe it was god telling me." and i was like, "oookay" then like everything we talked about we ended up arguing over it. absolutely everything. it was terrible. so i don't know. right now i'm very upset/mad..but more upset then anything. i'm tired of all of this..and there was SO much that, now, i wish i would have said to her while we were sitting there..but i didn't and now i'm regreting it. she won't be there tomorrow (most likely) because her cousin died and she definitely won't be there friday because of crew..so i won't see her until monday. which is good because both of us need this break..but yeah. i don't know anymore. i feel like something is telling me not to let her go. as much as she hurts me..because something's going to happen. like she needs me and just doesn't know it..or i need her. something's telling me to not let her go. that she's worth all of this. i don't know why, but as weird as that sounds. anyways. after school i had therapy with josh, then i went right from there to youth group. yay. we played softball outside and it was very fun. i also played basketball with my mom..we shot around and even though i was only able to stand on one of my feet while shooting i STILL made like every single one. not kidding, it amazed even me :-) yay! i love youth group..it was honestly the only thing that got me through today and kept me smiling as much as possible, was knowing that i was going to youth group. i don't know why, it just did. so that's pretty much my lovely day. i'm now online talking to sara :-) i WAS talking to allie and braden earlier too but they had to get off because it's late. i probably should too but i really don't think i'll be able to sleep anyways, even though i'm so tired. but yeah. i love sara, megan, allie and braden so much! they are the four people that i know i can count on..always! they make me feel like i still matter to someone..and that's what i need right now. everyday they show me how much they care..they try just as hard as i do. and honestly, i wouldn't call what we do trying. all we're doing it being friends. TRUE friends..and if you care enough, it's not that hard. but i guess it's just harder for some people than it is for others. or at least that's what i've figured out. my conclusions: 1. somtimes letting go of someone that hurts you can be 10 times harder than holding on to them. 2. it's not hard to be a good friend, as long as you care. 3. being a true friend and showing you actually care seems to be more hard for some people than it is for others. p.s. i miss megan. i need her, where is she?