i pretty much did nothing today. i cleaned a little bit because pastor was suppose to come over to pray for me and my surgery tomorrow morning but he never did, so i don't know. anyways, i talked on the phone with braden three times today. i called him this afternoon, then i had to go, but he said he'd call back later. so he did, then i had to go again, so i called him back around 9:40 and we talked until around 11:40. yeah, i pretty much miss him, but i don't know right now. with everything that's going on i don't think i can be in a relationship right now, and him and i talked about everything tonight so he knows what's going on. i have to be at the hospital at 11:30 tomorrow morning..so that sucks! i haven't told anyone this, besides lauren, but i'm really scared. i know i'll be fine, but it just scares me. i want her to be here more than anything, but i know she can't, and that kills me. i know how much she wishes she could be here for me too, but we both know that God wants her at DRG right now. i miss her so freaking much though! god, i want her here!!!! i have so much going on right now, and i can't talk to any of my friends about it. i tried talking to braden about it tonight but i wasn't able to tell him everything. i feel like lauren is the only person that i can tell absolutely anything to. it used to not be like that, and it's kind of weird, but things have changed and i've realized a lot when it comes to my friends. i don't like who i am when i'm with some of them. i've realized that lauren is one of the only friends, if not the only one, that has never made me feel like i had to totally change who i was whenever i'm with her. yes, sometimes i've felt like i couldn't tell her things, but i've never felt like i couldn't be myself around her. i'm a christian and i can be that when i'm with lauren because she's a christian too..a stronger one than i am. sometimes when i'm with other people i feel like i can't be or act like a christian. i'm not saying all the time, because most of my friends respect that i'm a christian, but sometimes it's harder to be who i am. so i don't know. i think that's part of the reason i miss lauren so much right now. i need her to be here, but i know that she can't be and that makes things worse. i miss her so much, you have no idea. she's my absolute best friend and i love her!