today was a weird day. not in a bad way though..it was just different i guess. maybe because it was the first day that i have gone to school without my crutches since i hurt myself. but i don't know. there was something else, besides that. i felt kind of like i was out of place all day or something. almost like i've been sticking to a certain routine forever and i broke it today. i did pretty much everything differently. for instance, i didn't care as much whether i saw lauren or not..and for me that's weird, because i ALWAYS want to see her. also, i missed lauren but not as much as i normally do. instead i missed tara. a lot!! and i'm not used to missing anyone else besides lauren. i mean, i miss sara, megan and braden a lot..but not constantly like with lauren. ya know? i don't know. today was just a weird day. i just didn't care about anything today..at all! anyways. while i was standing in the lunch line with my beautiful sara&clay, lauren came over and told me that she couldn't stay with me at lunch today because she was very behind with her homework so she needed to get it done, since she had a date tonight. which, by the way, i hope it went VERY well :-) anywho, so i told her that i wrote her something and it was in my backpack. so she went over and got it then left. seeee i wrote her..so i still do care. she probably thinks i don't though. buttt anyhow, last night (sunday) i wrote tara something because i missed her AND i figured i should do something since i was in my room most of the day (sick). so yeah. i gave it to her this morning before 3rd period and she wrote me back something really, reallly long and gave it to me in math. yay!!! and she wanted me to write her back about everything in her note so i just did it right there in math :-) and on our way up to the 3rd floor after that period she said she'd write me something :-) yay! she makes me smile very big! soo i went to gym and told her i'd meet her on the 3rd floor after that period (7th). then when i got up there i waited..and lauren came out before tara so i talked to her a little bit, but i honestly wasn't waiting for her. oh well..i love her so i talked to her anyways! then, finally, tara came out of the classroom. she's always the freaking LAST person out and i don't know why. but when she came out, lauren was still standing there and tara was like, "here ashley i drew you something really pretty!!" and i was like, "awe, thanks!!" i knew she was going to..and when i saw her the first thing that came to my mind was, "ohhhh god, tara please don't give it to me RIGHT in front of lauren..please!!!" but she did. and i felt so bad :-( the last thing i want to do is hurt lauren and i know that when tara gave me that it did..because i turned towards tara when she gave it to me (and had my back to lauren) and all the sudden tara was like, "hmm did she even say anything to you at all??" and i looked at her weird, thinking lauren was still right behind me, and i whispered, "uhh, tara, isn't lauren still there??" and as i whispered it i turned to see that lauren was walking down the hallway :-( she had walked away right after tara handed the note to me..and i felt so bad. i don't want to hurt lauren. i really, reallly don't!! she's one of my closest friends and i freaking LOVE her more than she knows! i think she is beginning to realize that i'm NOT going to keep caring so much anymore, if she's not willing to be there like i'm there for her. and i know that everytime she sees tara and i together she knows that she could lose me. she's realizing that tara actually cares as much as i do and that i need that. i think she's realizing that SHE'S the reason that she's losing me. and i don't know if i care right now. i mean, i do miss her a lot..but then again i don't. i miss all of the times that she HAS been an amazing friend, but i don't miss all of the times that she HASN'T. ya know? she IS an amazing person and i love her so much..i just don't love how she hurts me. that's all. anyhow. i had therapy tonight and i can bend my knee 105 degrees now. yay!!! i'm improving a lot and i like it!! and joe was very fun today. i wrote "Hi" on my knee for him and he laughed :-) yay!! too bad i didn't have josh today though :-( i like him better! but anyways, around 7:00 i went to mary-ellen's house (our youth pastor) for bible study and jamie was there :-) yay!! she makes me laugh a lot! ohhh my gosh i died tonight :-) wow..if only you guys could have been there. okay, well that's all. later. p.s. lauren i miss you! i still need you!