i stayed up late lastnight again so i'm going on like 9 hours of sleep in 2 days :-( i'm so dead right now it isn't even funny. but anyways, today was okay i guess. lauren didn't come to lunch with me though and i think allie could tell that it upset me so she wrote me a little note. it was cute :-) thanks allie :-) i really missed lauren today. a lot! after math class tara and i walked up to the third floor because her and lauren have 7th period spanish together. so yeah. while we were up there waiting on the bell to ring i showed her the pretty drawing that i made lauren in drafting and she looked at it and said, "how come you didn't make me one?" and i was like, "i don't know." and i felt really bad about it. tara constantly asks me why i always write lauren and do things for her and i always tell her when she doesn't do the same for me and i always say, "i guess because she's my best friend." and somtimes it's almost like she's jealous or something. like, she doesn't have someone that cares that much about her and she wants it. soooo, today i asked her who HER best friend was and she was like, "i don't have one.." and i couldn't believe it!! then, i can't remeber what all we said after that but she said that her and i needed to get closer and that we could be best friends. and i remember being like, "but you're a senior and you're leaving." then lauren came so we just stopped talking about it. but tara walked me to the elevator and i told her that i would definitely make her something, just like i did for lauren today, and that i would write her. and i did. so yay!! i'm excited to give it to her tomorrow :-) but anyways. that's really about all that i did today. right now it's 10:45 pm and i'm talking to sara. we're talking about how hard it's going to be when lauren and clay leave next year. it's going to kill us! blu2skyz4: sara...im sitting here thinking about what it's going to be like when lauren and clay leave next year blu2skyz4: will me and you stay close blu2skyz4: after lauren leaves kilforthis: yes kilforthis: please dont even talk about that kilforthis: please blu2skyz4: i'm sorry blu2skyz4: i just can't stop thinking about it..ever since today when tara said all that stuff..bc then i started picturing her and i getting closer and then me having to go through losing her..and that made me think about when i'm going to lose lauren. and how i thought i should give up on having older best friends bc i'm going to miss them to death when they leave. kilforthis: i cant either kilforthis: clay and i have cried over this twice kilforthis: and we've decided to not talk about it until the time comes and just have the best times we possibly can while its here blu2skyz4: yeah you're right kilforthis: it makes me cry just thinking about it blu2skyz4: but sometimes you just can't help but think about what's going to happen when that time does come..i know i can't help it. blu2skyz4: sara don't cry kilforthis: i know and i think about it all the time blu2skyz4: i think about it all the time too...constantly blu2skyz4: and sometimes i wonder if she'll miss me as much as ill miss her when she graduates..and i don't think she will kilforthis: yeah it kills kilforthis: of course she will blu2skyz4: she always tells me how much she wants to get out of marietta though and how she would right now if she could blu2skyz4: and it makes me feel like she won't miss me at all kilforthis: my biggest fear is clay being away from me and getting used to it kilforthis: meeting new people blu2skyz4: yeah blu2skyz4: my biggest fear is that someone will replace me as her best friend when she gets to college..and i know that's going to happen..it will be easy for her to find someone to replace me..but i don't think i could ever replace her. blu2skyz4: and that hurts knowing she could replace me kilforthis: same here kilforthis: there isn't one thing that hurts more than being replaced and knowing someone does the same things you did for that person, makes them feel the same way you did, and the hard part is they are okay with that if not happier kilforthis: trust me i went through it with elizabeth kilforthis: and im going to have to do it again blu2skyz4: i know..but clay won't replace you blu2skyz4: ever kilforthis: and i KNOW clay's is going to hit me even harder kilforthis: harder than anything ever could blu2skyz4: sara blu2skyz4: he won't replace you kilforthis: i know blu2skyz4: you'll just miss him a lot blu2skyz4: and be afraid of losing him kilforthis: i just don't want him to get used to not being with me, and be okay with that blu2skyz4: but you won't kilforthis: that kills so bad blu2skyz4: yeah i know blu2skyz4: i wish lauren knew how much i will miss her when she leaves kilforthis: just talking about this with you i have tears in my eyes kilforthis: not crying--but they are there blu2skyz4: sara blu2skyz4: i've cried about this so much blu2skyz4: i'm sorry i brought it up kilforthis: no don't be blu2skyz4: but i really needed to talk to someone about it blu2skyz4: and i know that i have talked with you about it before bc i know that you will go through the same thing and you have also so you know what it's like blu2skyz4: and how i feel blu2skyz4: but i'm sorry blu2skyz4: i feel bad for bringing it up kilforthis: no dont blu2skyz4: i was just sitting here thinking about it kilforthis: and we're going to try to go to the same college..we each know what we want to do..so hopefully after a year we'll be together again---i don't care where i am in the world as long as i'm with him blu2skyz4: nothing even has to happen for me to start thinking about it..but i do. blu2skyz4: yeah i know blu2skyz4: sorry im busy updating kilforthis: its okay blu2skyz4: i'll tell you when i'm done kilforthis: okay kilforthis: i hope next year lasts forever kilforthis: :-( blu2skyz4: me too..you have no idea kilforthis: no YOU have no idea kilforthis: you know how people always say lauren doesnt do as many good things for you as you do for her blu2skyz4: yeah kilforthis: do you agree ? blu2skyz4: sometimes, but she does other things to show she cares. blu2skyz4: and i know she does kilforthis: but as much as you care? blu2skyz4: but that doesn't mean that i don't wish she wold kilforthis: honestly, do you tihnk she cares as much as you do? blu2skyz4: honestly? kilforthis: yes blu2skyz4: no i don't think she does blu2skyz4: and it kills me to say that blu2skyz4: but i know it's true blu2skyz4: maybe she would if she understood how much i care about her..as a friend...and how important she really is to me blu2skyz4: god, i wish that she knew blu2skyz4: more than anything kilforthis: well you have no idea what it's like to know in your heart that you mean JUST as much to someone as they do to you, and also know you have one year left blu2skyz4: i just wish she knew blu2skyz4: yeah blu2skyz4: but i know that i love her to death...i know she's one of my best friends...and it's still going to kill me when she's gone blu2skyz4: maybe it's not the same as you and clay..but it's something kilforthis: i know it is something blu2skyz4: and i understand that for you..losing clay will probably be worse..but losing lauren will kill me kilforthis: i know it will kill you i have no doubt about that blu2skyz4: yeah i know you know that yeah...like i said, it's going to kill us!! i miss lauren!