i know that i have been talking about it sooo much the past couple days, but i just don't understand ANYTHING anymore! i don't even know what to say about my day..or anything at all for that matter. and these voices keep arguing inside my head. it's almost like im yelling at myself inside my mind or something. and it's all about lauren. earlier i was laying in bed trying to figure out what the hell is going on right now..and i started crying because i couldn't stop blaming myself for what SHE is and isn't doing..i keep trying to tell myself that, despite everything, i'm the one that is the uncaring friend. and i know i'm not, but i just can't stop thinking that maybe i am. because i know how much of an awesome person lauren is and i just don't understand why she is like this, i don't understand why she can't be a good friend. it doesn't make sense! i hate it! but like i said, i was laying in bed a little bit ago and this voice was screaming in my head. like, i was going over what would happen monday if i just told lauren everything. just how i feel about everything.. and how she treats me. i pictured myself waiting for her to come to lunch, her getting there and me not even eating lunch at all, but instead, taking her out in the hall and yelling at her about EVERYTHING. and that's what i was screaming in my head..everything that i would say to her..everything that i WANT and NEED to say to her. absolutely everything! then instead of us being at school, i pictured her and i being somewhere else, like in her car or something, driving around and me telling her everything and crying. but at the same time knowing that it wouldn't work..and still hoping that it would, for once...that she'd just care. but i don't know. today she stopped in at lunch to say hi i guess..and i wrote her something about what all was going on. just that i didn't understand why we were mad. so yeah. anyhow, she got her hair cut and gave it all to "locks of love" and she is still very beautiful! no matter what, she will always be! anyhow, despite her and i getting into a fight tuesday and then being mad and getting into other "disagreements" yesterday (wednesday) we were fine today. we talked to each other, almost as if nothing had even happened. maybe my note helped..i don't know..or maybe both of us just realized how dumb we were and decided to forgive each other without really saying it. there's honestly nothing to say about today. tomorrow = friday and in turn drafting = donuts!! yay!! anyways. tara wasn't in math again today! she hasn't been all week and i hate it because i miss her so much! i really do! she needs to come back! if she's not back tomorrow then she'll definitely be back monday, which is really good :-) tonight i talked to sara, my love, who helped me a lot..as always! i really do like her a lot! no, WAIT...i LOVE her a lot!!! gosh, how could i have gotten that wrong?!?! oh well, she'll forgive me :-) yay! ohhhh and i talked to clay. hah. and braden and allie! yay!! i probably wasn't very fun to talk to because i'm not very happy right now :-( but i tried very hard! but i didn't really have to try with sara because she makes me smile no matter what! and so does braden and allie, but i don't know. goddd i told myself AND sara that this would probably be short..and that i'd add in the details tomorrow, but that's too hard for me :-) ohhh well! p.s. tonight i told sara that she's my best friend and that she always has been, i just wasn't able to see it. so yay :-) :-) p.s.s. sorry, this is like pre-school stuff (p.s.) but yeah! hmmm...i miss megan! where are you meg! come back! i love you and i've been thinking about you! i hope you're okay, especially everything with your family! god i love you meg! if you're not on tomorrow i'm calling you :-) i promise! someone just kill me please!!!