if only he knew how much i cared. i was up all night crying just like he was. i laid in bed listening to music and i found something in EVERY SINGLE song that reminded me of him..and i just cried more. i wish he knew how much i really do love him. i really do. and that right there is what i don't understand. i can see myself with him forever and always but i can't see myself 100% happy if i was with him forever and always. YES i love him but NO i don't want to be with him. loving someone and being IN LOVE with them are two very different things. and god knows how much i love him. i just wish HE knew. i can't stand knowing how much i've hurt him. it kills me and i don't think anyone else knows how much it does. i want him to be okay. that's all i want right now. everyone's probably wondering what i was thinking..and saying how dumb i am. and trust me, i've asked myself the same question over a million times. all day i tried to act like i was okay even though i'm dying inside. but i'm pretty sure it didn't foul lauren, sara, megan or allie because it never does. everyone kept asking me why i did it and i couldn't answer. i hated it today. that's all my day was. braden braden braden. i couldn't stop thinking about him no matter how hard i tried. and no one helped either. the only people that actually understood that i DIDN'T want to talk about it was lauren, sara, megan, allie and jamie (not mckitrick) they did the opposite..they tried getting my mind OFF of braden. and i love all of them soo much for it. and all of them are trying so hard to help me through this. i don't know what i'd do without them. they're the best. oh yeah. kyle helps some too. if only a little bit. that's all i need right now. but anyways. i'm going to youth group tonight. i reallly want to go too. and i almost hope braden's there because i want to ask him if he's okay..even if i know he is far from it. i want to show him that i care. ogt..ogt..ogt. i'm so sick of ogt. it's in like, what, a week or so?!?! well the teachers need something else to talk about gosh!! even they have to be getting sick of it. well..all of them except miss dye. wow. she's like miss ogt queen or something. seriously!! it's almost scary. i'm out. later.