[66] Doing what I can but love is cruel

Listening to: Incubus
So as much as I say that I won't give in to the temptation that all changed yesterday afternoon. I'm not going to go into details because I don't want. I am going to say 5 cuts yesterday and 3 today. I knew that once I started again I couldn't fight it anymore and I'm stupid and gave in. I just can't do this anymore and nothing ever changes that. You know sometimes when your best friend can't help you, you rely on your other friends to be there for you and guess what? They aren't there either. I thought that I could rely on a few people to help me or at least listen to me but boy, that all changed too. Sometimes I just need a god damn friend. I love my best friend to death but sometimes you need someone else's thoughts and opinions and shoulder to cry on but I guess the world is just a cold place because nowadays that's hard to get too. I'm done talking to anybody that doesn't care so don't waste your time because guess what? For the first time in a very long time, I don't care either. I have no reason to anymore ... Fuck you I'm going to finally try and let go of my past. Everything from Aaron moving over 10 years ago to my dad leaving to not having any friends in school to my grandma dying 5 years ago to my brother dying 4 years ago to my other grandma dying almost a year ago. Let go of all of the people that cause me more pain than happiness and nobody's name is going to be put in here for sake of being an ass but I want to say to you handful or so of people that I never want to talk to or see you ever again because you only fucking make me miserable anyway. The first step to being happy is to be happy yourself and I can't be happy until I know that all of you will stop hurting me. I'm finally saying GOOD-BYE
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i love you erin...you're a good friend, and a good person. you deserve better...
I'm here for you ANYTIME.
never forget it.
♥Arika
[Anonymous]
I am glad and in awe that you find the strength to do the things that you do. I find it incredibly hard to let go of anything in my past and I truly want to, to just be able to move on and stop dwelling on things you can't change. That's an amazing thing to be able to do.

But self-harming obviously isn't so great. I'm not going to have a go at you, because I know it's not exactly the best thing in the world when what you need is support, so I
[cont.] just want to say that I know I say I am here for you, and I know that sometimes maybe I'm not, but if I am online and you feel like talking, talk to me. If I'm offline, email me. I promise I will reply if I can and I will keep what you tell me. I think when I write things down often things become clearer in my mind, but maybe that is just the person I am, and if you are not that type of person then you can tell me to shut up and I will.
rewhateveryouneed@hotmail.com

Yeah, well, at least you are beginning to let go of some things. I recognise that I can't hold on forever so I think I am getting better.