so i was watching tv and thinking a lot over the last few days about a ton of shit, some i can control while some i can't. i feel like i'm going nowhere and literally nowhere. i feel like no matter what i do people are angry with me and i feel like my family hates me, but i'm forced to live under the same roof with them all. i honestly wish i could go back to those days in the picture at the top of this entry. i wasn't a hundred percent happy but pretty damn close. i want to go back in time to when i was a child, when nothing mattered and people didn't hate me or treat me like shit every damn day. to days where i was me and people liked me. where you didn't have to work because you were just a child and you could play outside in the mud or the snow or even the rain and mom only got mad for a second. where life seemed so perfect yet precious at the same time.

i've been out of high school for almost four years and seriously haven't accomplished anything. i know that i'm only twenty-one and life is short and i'm young, but that doesn't mean shit to me. i thought i'd be close to finishing school and packing up and moving on with my life outside of michigan. BUT nope, i'm not even close and my dreams and goals have fallen way out of reach for me now. i don't know what i'm doing anywhere with anything. i'm not happy and i fight with my sisters and mom daily and its starting to get old. for the past few weeks, i've so desparately wanted to pack up the few things that matter to me and just get in my truck and drive. at this point i don't care where but i want to leave.

good things come to those that wait.
that's bullshit, i've been waiting for fair to long and lately nothing good has really come my way. i haven't talked to my dad since christmas and i know that's probably my fault but i don't know. i fight with my mom and sisters and i never see my brothers. i know jim's been dead six years already, but i wish i could go back to that day and i wish my life would have been taken over mine. seriously, he has so much more to give to this world and this life than i do. i need him everyday to guide me and he's gone and i don't know how i keep surviving these days without him. i need his guidance and i need him to be proud of me and tell me that i'm great and that i'll go far in life one day. that when i'm done with school and leave that he'd actually miss me. eric tells me that my mother talks highly of me, but i don't even know if i believe that. i'm like its only because i'm responsible or somewhat responsible. i think if i left tomorrow she wouldn't even notice.

oh this life ...