I don't know why I bother to write in here occassionally anymore. It seems like a waste of my time. I mean there really isn't a point in sharing with any of you when in the end you don't give a shit anyway. I feel like I'm headed downward again and I don't know why nor can I seem to stop these thoughts and feelings. For once in my life since my brother's death I thought that I could actually be ok, but boy that idea was stopped way short of being accomplished. I thought that with school starting up and Steve's return home I would be ok, but boy was I wrong. By the way, Steve leaves Iraq within the next few days to go back to Japan, which mean he will come home within the next three weeks. Just shy of his homecoming, it will have been almost nine months since we've seen each other and boy am I stoaked to see him. Anyway, back to what I was saying ... School is overwhelming and to be honest, I don't know how I"m going to survive the semester, let alone the year plus a few spring/summer classes. I thought that I would be ok and that I would be able to handle my class load but I was mistaken. I had to drop my English class today and pick up a different one, the workload would have made me want to kill myself and would have been too much with my other three classes. Its a good thing that I made a few friends in my classes because maybe they can help me ... I'm stressed out. I feel all of these stupid thoughts coming back to my mind and I wish that I could stop them but I can't. When I need a friend to help me I don't feel like talking or hanging out with anyone. Yes being alone isn't always the answer, but I'm back to putting up walls and being secretive. Its nothing against any of you, I just personally don't want to talk to any of you and sometimes I'm not so sure you guys care anyway. Its a struggle to live and to be accepted by people. I want to be the one my parents talk about and the one my sisters and brother look up too, but instead I feel like a fuck up and a worthless piece of shit. I want people to know that I really am trying to be successful, but I feel like no matter how much effort I put into things I won't be able to accomplish my dreams or my goals. Everything that I want to do in my life is fading and there's a lot of days where I don't even want to get up in the morning because I feel like I won't be able to handle the day; which sometimes is actually the case. I wish that I had some answers to stop these feelings, but I don't. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish but it seems like I will be a failure forever and just one person in my family to fail. I feel like no matter how much I try I won't succeed and that seriously scares me. Today is also the five year anniversary of September 11 and it seems like just yesterday. I was a fourteen year old child sitting in my English class with Mrs. Case when the first plane hit and I remember watching it on tv and being in complete shock. Why could something like that happen? Why would anyone let it happen? Speculations and five years later, there are still no answers. We're fighting a war, which I support and have friends fighting in, but that will never seem to come to an end. I just want to go back when life was simple and things like this didn't happen to the US. The simple times where you didn't have to worry about your family and friends sleeping in the desert and trying to not get killed. Back to a time where politics was something I didn't really worry that much about because I was a mere child and political debates were something I was never a part of. Back to a time where things would be ok. I don't know how much of you care, but this day will always be with me. I remember the victims and still pray for their families and children they will never know. NEVER FORGET. Pray for the troops and one day they will all come home. Going to sit in my room with the lights off and think. Don't bother commenting either ...