You know everyday since you've been old enough to think about your future you do. Everyday you think about your life, your career, your friends, your family, but do your childhood dreams ever come true? Its when I start thinking that I want to say no but maybe its just because I've given up hope and I'm trying to stop care. I need to stop dwelling on the past, but living in the present. No matter how hard I want to invent a time machine to turn back time to the point in my life where I was the happiest I can't. Maybe in another 20 years when I start to do something good for mankind. I think everyday about how my life would be different if things growing up would have been different. Would me and Aaron still be friends if he never moved away? Would I have dropped out of school if my parents didn't split up and get divorced? How my life would be different if Jim would have never had his surgery? Would the cutting, pill taking and suicide attempts have never come? I think almost everyday about these things and I know that I can't change any of it but only wish on how things would be different. People always say that your past and the things that you have done growing up and even now shape up into the person that you have and will continue to become. I wonder about who this person is and whether or not its good. It seems like one of the only things that I ever want to do anymore is lay in bed all day and think or try to sleep. I just feel so content thinking and being alone because the things that I put together are amazing and it helps me to keep hope about my future. I'm a very negative person and I have been ever since my brother's death. My friends try to change that but nothing that they say every changes my thoughts. Its just weird when you think you know but you have no idea. I do have one question and one half solution. Its said that if you love something to let it go and if it comes back then its meant to be. Also, you never know what you have until you lose it? How come when you lose something you think more and more about that one thing than anything else. If you cared so much in the first place then why do you let it go? Why say good-bye when you don't really want to. These are my thoughts not yours now good-bye xo erin