wow, the only thing i ever want to do now is write about and sit on my computer loathing about how much i want to disappear. my big question to anyone that actually takes time to read this is: if i disappeared would you care? i already know the answer but its nice when people actually respond to the words that i write and the thoughts that i express all the time. it seems like since the semester has started, i've been greatly wanting to write more and more. i get inspired in my classes now and usually the topics of conversations aren't that good but its ok. since i made an ode not only to myself but also to a few others, i figured that writing is the only thing that i can do anymore. whether or not i want to write a lot doesn't matter because its the only thing that i can do. its become my escape. it seems like depression and suicide has come up a lot in one of my classes and i'm not going to lie, it pisses me off how everyone assumes shit. i guess maybe its just because i've kinda been there done that sort of thing. yeah so what, i've attempted suicide and obviously didn't go through with it and yes i was severly depressed but that's beyond the point of conversation. i mean i know a few people that killed themselves and it wasn't because they were depressed, but because they wanted to escape. the one guy killed himself because of love/hate and the other there are rumors about because no one really knows why and yeah the other two actually were depressed but don't fucking assume shit until you know the exact story. it makes me mad because everyone assumes shit and half of the time they are wrong anyway. on another note i miss my brother terribly and it seems like every day it gets harder and harder for me to deal with it. you think that i'd be ok to handle it for the fact that it has been a little over four years but nope. i just wish that i could be with him over anyone else right now. i know that i have the greatest friends in the world but no one will ever be able to fill the missing void that my brother's death put in my heart. i'll always have that empty space waiting until that one day that i might see him again. since i don't believe in heaven nor hell, i'm not so sure that day will ever come but maybe he'll come and save me when my times come just like robin williams did for his wife in what dreams may come ... i guess there's always the hope that one day i'll get to see him again and tell him everything that i've wanted to say over the past 15 years or so ... RIP this last part is just going to say that i miss you like whoa :[