Over the past few years I've seen myself fall [a lot] and I can't say that I like who I have become, but I have learned to except it. I have excepted the fact that I will never see nor talk to my brother Jim again and that in itself is hard. I've realized that no matter how hard I try to be in my brother Ryan's life I can't change anything about him or who he will become. I have learned that my dad really doesn't care about me, but acts like it at times to try and tell other people that he is a good person. I have come to the conclusion that my sisters Andrea and Jackie are only out for themselves and want me to always help them but they will never help me or they always seem to forget. How convenient? I know that my brother Keith doesn't care and is only out for himself too. My mom only cares when she wants to. My whole life I've been disappointed and let down by what seems to be everyone and as the days go by and I get older and learn more, things never change. My dad left when I was five years old and hasn't been around since. I lost my best friend Aaron when I was eight years old and he was the one that didn't care what my sex was. We were kids having fun and being pains, but we truly loved each other and the day he moved was one of the hardest days. I miss him so much. When I was fourteen my brother Jim died and I remember it all like it was yesterday. Ever since then all of the guys I've ever known have let me down or disappointed me in more ways than I can even explain. It seems as if everyone is still letting me down and disappointing me. Now I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it eats away my insides and just makes me more depressed. I wish that I could read their minds and see how they feel or at least get them to tell m how they felt. I wish I knew :/ because it'd be better than wondering everyday. Everyday I think about my past. [I know I shouldn't think about it] I wonder about what would happen if I would have done everything differently and how I would be a different person. All of the thoughts are there and I'm trying to not let them overcome me and take over, but its getting harder and harder for me. The pill taking never seems to go away and its become the only way that I can actually get a few decent hours of sleep a night. I get a lot of migranes now and I take a lot of aspirin on a daily basis. I know that its not good and that I shouldn't depend on it like I do, but for me it helps. The cutting idea never disappears. I push it all to the back of my head and try to lock it behind the black door, but it always comes back. The urge is always there I just fight it. Sometimes I break down and I do it. Not bad like before, but still not good to do. Its sometimes my only escape from this so called life that I live. I know you all think its horrible and look down upon me, but your opinions are starting to not matter to me anymore. I am my own person with my own feelings that I wish you all would take into consideration. I'm lucky if I eat one meal a day, but lately I haven't even done that much. I'm back down to 105 lbs. but when I look in the mirror I still see someone that could lose more and I feel fat all of the time. I know that everyone tells me to accept life and realize that I can't change anything. Telling me that I shouldn't be sad or depressed doesn't change how I feel. I wish that people would stop hiding things from me and just tell me the truth. I know that the truth hurts but I would rather know it and be able to except it and move on than be told lies and in the end I'm just as sad and depressed as ever. Try helping rather than judging and stop being two faced and care about how I feel. There's so much more that I want to say but I'm not ready to just yet. Until my next stupid little rant in this thing that I call my blog. Leave me alone to have feelings that I'm done hiding. I'm human and its finally ok for me to show my feelings. Sometimes I need to feel alive and stop feeling so dead :/