Listening to: none
everytime i feel like i need to write and get everything out, i just can't come up with the things to say. my fingers just never seem to want to do any typing. i think that i may have finally pinpointed why i can't write anymore. i used to think that writing everything down would help me realize that i had to get over somethings in order to grow as a person. to be honest with you, writing doesn't help me anymore so i'm stuck with words that don't really mean a thing. i wish that i could write and tell myself everything but i can't. maybe one day soon i'll be able to do it all again.
i know that i can't give up on life or anything for that matter but its so easy to just say good-bye and give up. yes i know, its not good and i can't keep doing it. i've gone back downhill. a little while ago i was starting to be happy and realize a lot of shit and now i'm not so sure on anything anymore. i know what i want to do with my life but a part of me feels like i'll never accomplish any of it. i have my days know where i want to stay in bed forever and i don't want to talk to anyone. i'm really starting to believe that i should seek a therapist because part of me says that's the only thing that will help me ... ugh i just don't know
on saturday night i cried for the first time in a long time. i'm not sure what brought me down at first but i just couldn't be picked me up. i did meet some awesome new people and felt like i made some new friends but a part of me just wanted to go home and crawl into my own bed and cry. i can't pinpoint why but finally, while i was talking to ben, i broke down. i ended up crying three times that now and it was mostly about steve and my brother and it was also about listening to ben talk about some rough things that he's had to deal with. i didn't know how to take it all in but i knew how to relate and a part of me wished that i could help. i didn't want to cry especially to a more recent friend but i couldn't help it. there's a lot of times when i hate crying because i feel weak.
i don't know how to solve anything anymore but i don't want to cry anymore but i want to start being happy. i wish that i had an answer but maybe a therapist will be able to help. right now that's my last option because i can't revert back to my old ways and as much as i say that i want too i really don't and i can't ... maybe one day i'll have some answers
you listen to me when i'm depressed
and it doesn't seem to make you like me less
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