You know no one reads this anymore but seriously, that never stops me from writing for real. I need to keep writing and since I spend so much freakin time on my computer its all I ever do anymore since I am a big fat loser. I wish that I could go back in time to the point in my life where I was the happiest ever. Aaron was the greatest friend ever and my brother was still alive to be a big brother. I remember those years vaguely since I was the happiest child ever. My first kiss was with Aaron in his backyard, along with my first trip to the hospital for stitches and my first bee sting. We lost my favorite GI Joe in my gutter when we were playing catch out my window and we never found it. I remember all of the skinned knees and just being a kid with my best friend. The day that he moved broke me and I still remember it vaguely and to this day I still cry thinking about him. I would do anything to even talk to him again. I miss his so much and have only seen him once since he moved and that was probably 10 years ago or so. He had the blondest hair ever and I was pretty much "one of the boys" I would also do anything to have my brother back. Its been almost four years now and it definitely doesn't seem like it. I remember those two days very much and it hurts thinking back because he meant the world to me and I miss him so much. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life in general too. I mean the cutting started when I was dating David and continued on through Logan and Tyler. The pill taking started after me and Tyler broke up. Last year for my New Year's resolution I swore I was going to stop and I didn't. Its come back every now and then and its not good. I almost killed myself months ago and thinking about its not good but I can't change that now. As my relationship with my boyfriend continues to fall apart things seem to bring me down more and more, however, I've come to the realization that I don't need a guy to make me happy because I have my friends and they mean the world to me even if I don't talk to them much or see them ever. Plus no guy will ever treat me how I want to be treated so I give up. But I must be going and don't read my pointless entries anyway