uhg. i stayed up pretty late last night. and slept in pretty late. but its not like i had anywhere to go today, oh wait.. i have a wedding to plan all by myself.. forgot about that.... i realized, i can't send out the invites until i decide what to do about the website.. i don't like the name. so i got a domain name. so thats all great and everything but now i have to transfer everything over.. annnd it would take forever manually since i created most of my pages on my other host. so i wanted to use ftp. but i have only had experience with ftp twice, in that web development class and the last time was over a year ago... I'm rusty. and i don't know what the freaking server address is and its taking forever to get... ok not forever... its only been like 15 minutes or less... heh. i'm impatient.. but still. while i wait i guess i can go over what i have to do: -i have to finish the site tonight so i can print and mail them tomorrow. -shop for the ramaining stuff.. -schedule a time to pick up all the stuff already purchased (that is if its still in tact, there's no telling what happened to it, but itf its ruined, i will sue... yeah yeah mother or not.. its my freaking wedding... and its not crazy to think she would do something like that.. she has a history of throwing my stuff around... like my drums set... just chucking it out on the lawn like a pillow... and they will never be the same.. urg) -work on a new favor. since this jam thing is ridiculous. -figure out what i am going to do about the flowers. -hire the cant really book the caterer until i have a rough estimate of who will come.. -look for places for tim and his cousins to go tux shopping.. -find out if the girls are still in it considering grandma might have a say so... especially in amelias case... altho maybe not.. i guess its up to suzy and she loves me so i shouldn't worry... or something.. my finger aches... -get a dj, talk to the dj we have/had, or use my ipod..... and figure it out soon. i mean, its all pretty ridiculous and confusing when it comes to who is still going to commit to this wedding. he is my mom's friend and we aren't speaking... so will he pull out because of her... will she make him? or will he stick to the commitment he made like a professional? who knows... and i don't even have a phone number. -make an appointment with ruth -buy porter potty things -find a new hat for Timmy -and a lot more that i don't want to think about right now.. those are the main things i have a meeting with pdk next Wednesday to talk about the ceremony. thats also the day i go in for my next fitting. or its tomorrow.. i wrote down "Wednesday" so... who knows. I'll call in the morning. Elaine called me yesterday. actually she called Monday night. while my phone was off in the hospital. she left a message and i called her back today.. i saw Donovan at church on Sunday. i missed him so much. i guess he must have told her about seeing me and she thought of me.. its nice to be thought of. we're going to dinner on Thursday. i really avoided that relationship a while ago.. i completely pushed it away because of all the crap between her and my mother. but you know... its stupid. because she has never done anything but listen to me, she never undermined my mom or talked about her in a negative way... if validating my feelings in the middle or ridiculousness was being a bad friend to my mom, then thats my moms problem.. and i am sick of worrying how it will make her feel. i had a relationship with them, and they are like family to me. i care about them and i can talk to them if i want. my moms jealousy should have never stood in the way, especially since... the only thing keeping me from having a real relationship with my mom is her overwhelming need to control me. her condescending attitude. her need to bring me down and keep me there as long as she can. thats why we aren't speaking. because i am not giving in to double standards. because i put my foot down like countless people tell me to do, thinking it will just make things better but it made them worse... for our relationship.. but yeah, better in the long run for me. people wont see it right away but soon enough it'll all make sense. i realized that a lot of people wont be coming. more than i thought. my grandma is a given... and it took a while but i was ok with that. but now i realize... it means my grandpa wont be there... my nina bea probably wont be there... and if she and my grandpa dont go, theres no reason for carmen and joe to go... and all my moms friends... which is a pretty big chunk. talia never called me back to hang out.. who knows if she is just busy, or if the salz don't want to be a part of the drama or choose to back my mom, in which case.. thats like 6 people. and i dont want to invite ricky and his gf. nothing against his gf. but he is such a jerk. what did i ever do to him? i barely see the guy ever and all i am is pleasant to him... i say hi, i hug him.. and he brings up things that are unnecessary and just plain mean. and he also pulls you into a conversation i dont even want to have, and then attacks me... like i brought it up. he asked and i answer and i am suddenly "just like them". he has problems with my mom... he moved out because he couldnt stand her and yet, when i am talking to my aunt suzy about it, he comes and tells us to basically stop... and gets all weird.. he is the one who brought it up. but i didn't tell him off or call him a jerk.. i even hugged him when i left. but like hell he's coming to my wedding. a personal incident happened when i was like 13 and he brings it up in the middle of EVERY (no exaggeration at all) conversation i have ever had with him and another person/group of people ever since... every single conversation. its getting really old. after pulling me into the conversation about my mom... i didn't want to talk about it, in an effort to go around the conversation or just end it, i said "well anyways, you know how they are.. " or something and he was like "i lived there.. i know how you all are..."... and i was like "ok.. well bye now" and as i walked away he said the thing he always says.. i should have pulled an aunt Suzy. tech support still pending on my request for a server address thingy... grr. on Sunday we went cake testing. it was... weird. tara is so unprofessional. she called me 2 hours before and wanted to cancel because one of her handful of children was sick.. which isn't cool and all but no. i said heck no... there's no other time, sorry. so we went... and she brings out 3 cakes with an example of the flowers i want... they are blue. i have told her over and over... green and pink are my colors.. and my mom sent her the picture. i saw the email. and she had absolutely no idea what i was talking about. the fondant didn't look perfect, it was cracked. her kids were running around and being ridiculous the whole time i couldn't concentrate and she was catering to them more than to us... the hand-rolled "pearls" were cheesy.. and looked more like raindrops because they weren't even close to circles. and........... AND!....... there was a HAIR attached to one of the cakes!! EW! i didn't say anything... i was mortified. and disgusted. and i don't know. the cakes weren't even good.. and even if they were... i was too distracted thinking about the hair... i forced the other cakes into my mouth to be polite but i am sick of being polite that is just straight up nasty... and I'm going to be having a word.... yeah... timmy is so stressed out. he works really hard all day and then he has to come home to wedding planning and a grumpy me because of it... and the family crap. but he is perfect and handles everything perfect. no one can make me feel the way he makes me feel. woot.. just got my ftp info. so gonna go figure that out now..