Hold on to your hats kids! Today we are shit talking up a storm. If they accuse you of it why not just do it. Thats a terrible motto dont listen to it.. but it works for me right now...

dont read this it is just me venting about my stupid family.

Oh.. watch out for spelling errors there's a lot as I am on my phone again. or was for some of it. it was written at like 4 million different times so i could do something more productive. like the topic of the next entry.

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We were supposed to go up to Tehachapi for my grandpa's birthday and give him his gift. But my aunt sent me a bunch of immature texts saying I was "shit talking" to my grandma and threated to fight me. She is in her 40's. Haha. First of all, all i said to grandma was that we were coming up and asked who woild be there and she said suzy and jay would be gone. Yes I can see how that would be taken as shit talk. haha Second, grow up! You are 40 something years old! What 40 year old threatens their 27 year old neice for allegedly "shit talking"? What sane person does that? At least have a legitamite reason if you insist on being a violent person.

SIDE NOTE: I am so sick of people threatening violence for stupid reasons. Like Jason threatening tim because we got in his "business". We did nothing. I "got" in his business and its only because him and his "business" were humping like freaking rabbits at 3:30 in the morning and sneaking out before my mother wakes up.. THEN going to church and letting her talk them up about doing it right and taking it slow. such hypocrites. And "getting in his business" really translates to 1 unplanned comment about why she was going home at so early (at like 4) when every other night she stayed much later (right before my mom wakes up). I said "oh you are arent staying the night?" I was in the middle of coding for hours and it just came out but i dont care i would have said it again given the chance because it was a valid question when you're being so freaking shady and two-faced. He looks at me like I just told her I'm going to take her dog out back and slit its throat while she watches... and says "what the hell is wrong with you"... you. i said "what's wrong with me? It was just a question". I should have said "you.. you're a hypocrite." I could care less if they have sex but dont lie to your mother and let her boast about your "apiphany" and "purity" and this and that when you are none of those things. I would be disowned if i was having sex before marriage IN my mothers house. And i basically was because they "thought" i was having sex and wasnt and i wasnt even living at home. I got shit for an assumption. This is fact. Nothing but facts have been against him and she STILL refuses to see it. She does not listen to anything anyone says about him unless he says it. (Me and manuel told her he was having sex with cambria and she wouldnt liste.. and what? oh thats right he was. And if i had said he was doing it with alicia she wouldnt have believed me until he said it and in fact i think i did say i thought they were and i think she did deny it. and when I tell her I HEARD them having sex she actually tells me "well maybe he's mad because you said his VIRGIN gf is having sex".. she said it with emphasis on virgin. And like an attitude like I was in the wrong for even saying such a thing.. like i should be ashamed and like just because this tart she ahs known for 5 minutes told her something that goes against what I told her.. then i must be lying. Well fuck her and her constant lack of faith in my words. In the end i always turn out to be right and they just neglect to remember that simple fact... ) And he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and let people think the world of him. Have his cake and eat it too. And he does it with every girlfriend. And in her house. Its gross. Go to her place. You are almost 30 and not married.. its probably because you keep doing it the same WRONG way every time but who cares about that. just dont lie about it. at least go to her place.... and if you cant go to her place because her mommy and daddy are home then she is probably too young for you you sick pervert piece of shit. Tim and I are so disgusted at him. Tim wants nothing to do with him and doesn't even like him as a person before this all happened. he said he tolerated him because he is my family but he is boring and arrogant. But now add disgusting to the list. we both think he's only putting on this charade to get into this chicks pants just like all the other too-young-for-him girls he's dated. Then he screws it up and they realize how not worth their time he is and he turns into an asshole and then he meets some other chick he wants to stick it in and acts like Mr. Christian. Right before we moved last time he showed just how arrogant he was. No one can say anything against him. He doesn't ever apologize without a but. He says whatever the hell he wants. And then turns around and puts it all on you somehow. He's the worst person. Next to my mother. I don't like calling her that anymore. I will refer to them as X1 and X2 from now on. Because they have been X'ed out. I will never forgive them or accept them into my life anymore. and Tim is content with my decision. so much more to say but i don['t like thinking about shitty people for too long and i have 4 more to go before this entry is behind me for good.

She [suzy] is the most ridiculous person I've ever known. Not including 4/5 of her evil children and X1 and X2. My grandma didn't know she said it before I told her.. of course she didn't because suzy has to keep her angle side towards everyone else. When i told my grandma she sounded stressed out about the situation. She told me to ignore her and I do but i take threats seriously as anyone should and suzy is a freaking nut case. I don't know what she is capable of. I'm not worried about her kicking ass lol I'm more worried about her fighting dirty and stabbing or shooting me. Not lying.. she's been to jail. A lot. Her whole life. And recently. Tim says she is too unpredictable to expect rational behavior. This is the type of person she is. Plus the double standards don't end with my mom in my family. i dont solve problems by fighting.. but if suzy were to try to fight me and I hurt her defending myself.. people would flip out. Yet.. if she hurt me.. it wouldn't make a bit of difference. We wanted a nice afternoon with my grandparents and it turned into a possible Jerry springer show.. because i actually care about my grandparents and do not want to cause them stress unlike these vultures I told her we would come another time. I think it's funny how she started this feud because of something that never happened. She said I made grandma cry. when she said that I told her that if that were true I'd apologize to grandma the next day.. for a normal person that would have been sufficient but she isn't a normal sane person and she didn't hate me for a valid reason. she was just using that as an excuse to join the ranks of her nasty children who are just as evil as her. When I asked my grandma about it she had no idea what suzy was talking about and said she was making stuff up. She only wanted to be mad at me so she could talk shit about me with her terrible kids. Here's a snap shot of why her kids are crazy....

Corina told me she wanst talking to manuel and when I asked her why she told me that he molested her best friends little sister. now I cannot even look at him without wanting to punch him or puke all over him. He knows what happened to me and others in our family and he still could do something like that. unreal. It makes me literally sick. That is why I don't speak to him. But if you can believe it he is actually the best of the worst. Haha. At least he isn't a jerk.. He knows we don't talk and probably knows why by now and he seems to respect that I just can't deal with him. Plus he also talks crap that isn't true. He told everyone I tricked tim into marrying me. I had a new boyfriend and tim contacted me and tried to get back togetther with me and asked me to marry him. so yeah. makes no sense. I mean if they insist on making up lies about me at least make up something that could be true. Plus the whole letting my mom and brother believe I stole from them when it was him. And as a thank you for driving him everywhere I am 98% sure he was hiding his weed in my car somewhere because it ALWAYS smelled like pot and I never smoked pot. And everyone always thought I did because I realized i started smelling like my car. Maybe he isn't the best of the worst after all.

Alisha used us and got what she wanted and I forgave her.. and everything was fine. all it took was 1 apology and bygones were bygones and we were laughing and having fun again within minutes. Then she did it AGAIN! Gets exactly what she needs out of us and a new ipod to boot and then blows me off. I cannot get ahold of her when we had made plans and i was just trying to confirm for my friends to buy her a ticket or not and my friends were thinking I'm the flake. And it pissed me off because the last time she said she was sorry and i really thought she was and she said "lets never fight again" .. uh ok well stop using me and we will stip fighting. I wouldn't care if she didn't want to go but freaking SAY something. But i decided during the week we were up there looking for a place to live and talking to my aunt suzy that I could probably give her another chance.. but before I could even do anything about that.. being the conniving pathological liar she is.. she waits till she gets my husband alone (the one day I am not up there with him and she just happens to pick that day to come over and make a point of seeing him before he leaves) to ask him to work on her car. He said it was so obviously contrived. He told me he told her she had to apologize to me first. And when she said "ok" he asked if she was just saying that so he'd work on her car or really wanted to.. and she gave a bs story about how she planned on it. Bull. She has never been the one to own up and apologize. You have to drag it out.. but not only that you have to be sweet about it.. like nursing a baby bird. And act like you were at fault.. for her faulting you in the first place... uhg. Like someone punches you in the face after you gave them some money or helped them somehow and then runs away and you have to go find them, make sure they are in a god mood though, and not be mad but say something like "I'm so sorry I made you punch me in the face but do you see how it was like not cool?" Its annoying. If someone punches you in the face you are mad and you expect THEM to fix it. Especially when you did nothing to deserve it. Geez. Just be a decent person.. how hard is that? But of course she never contacts me. So i of course as usual end up contacting her. And it's going ok and then she turns psycho again saying she is busy and doesn't have time for this. Um if you are so fucking busy why are you on Facebook? Like I'm a fucking mind reader and knew she was at work. And by the way you aren't like in charge of chemical warfare you work at PIZZA HUT! 'you;re right. im so sorry you better get back to work you dont want the pizzas to get cold'... She was talking to me for 10 minutes and never mentioned being at work. I'm not irrational. I would have reserved the conversation for a better time. But no she flips out of out nowhere and I'm like whoa wtf and she's all bitchy and then I'm all bitchy back and then she plays the victim. Like always. So sick of it. I was about to give her another chance even though she didn't deserve it because she never made any efforts so that tim could fix her stupid car and we could be cool again but she flips out. not my problem. I did what i can do. what else other than bending over can be done to mend the situation? Nothing. Anyways, I'm not worried about it anymore but this is the shit talk entry so I'm just going to keep telling it how it is. There is so much more to that but this is the condensed sitd version of why alisha is an asshole.

Corina might be the craziest bitch of them all. Nevermind thats suzy hands down. But she's a close runner up for sure. I had been talking to her more and for Christmas last year I basically used my whole vacation just looking for vinyl records because that's what she wanted. I found one at tim's mom's and one at his dads. One was pink floyd and then led zeppelin? they were really cool. Old and original. So angry about it now. Wish I would have kept them or just not have taken them. His parents were so nice to let us digg through all their stuff for hours and let us have them. and now it's like we threw them away. Anyways I had also asked her things like what her plans were. And she said she wanted to be an ultrasound technician (or sonogram or whatever it was she wanted to do. one of those.) But that there are only schools in Lancaster and bakersfield. Later she posted on fb that she wanted to get out of tehachapi. So knowing we'd be going to bakersfield for at least 6 months (turned into 5) I told her she could live with us and go to school and not worry about rent. Unless she had a job and wanted to. She sounded interested. Then as it got closer to go to bakersfield I would try to get in touch with her and she blew me off. I wanted to know if she was coming or not. Didnt care which but i wanted to figure out what to bring or leave at my moms. Like my drum set or the bigger desk and guitars blah blah blah. Because they wouldn't fit with all her stuff in there. She didn't have a phone at the time so I understood at first but then after telling grandma to tell her to call me and then her posting time and time again for months on Fb and "seeing" my messages and not responding.. I started to get like.. um. Why is she avoiding me? Finally I get ahold of her and ask her why she avoided me and stuff and she right off the bat has a horrible horribls attitude the whole time. She says she thought I would get mad. I asked what would make her think that? I said we have nothing to lose its you alone who would be gaining.. We'd actually much prefer making the extra room an office and keep our privacy but we were trying to be nice and do you a favor because you're family. And she just kept insisting that I would have that reaction and it wasn't possible that i wouldn't... I said when have I ever done something like that that would make you think I would have that sort of reaction? And she avoided the question because there is no time. And just eventually said well that's what I thought blah blah blah. I know its probably because she hadn't gotten her GED like she said she would and just didn't want to admit it. That was her plan before she came to stay with us. But instead of being rightfully disappointed in herself she deflects her anger in herself onto me. Their family has a huge problem with confrontation and blaming others for their behavior. Dude, you blew me off and sabotaged your ability to go to school.. you did that. not me.. but somehow you turned it around to where I am the jerk? I never said anything about her having to come or else.. that doesn't even make sense. It's her own insecurities about actually doing something with her life. They all sit up their in their bubble because they think that's the best they can do and they are comfortable in their ways they don't even want to better themzwlves. I tried to help out. (And it wasn't in a condescending you need me way. I hate when people do that. But even then I don't think a lot of people mean to do that when they do it and if I need something and someone is offering i usually take them up on it even if they do sound a little like its more for them than for me. but this wasn't like that. I made sure of that. we had nothing to gain. It was offered in love. It was offered because its what she said she wanted and we just happened to be in the right place at the right time to offer such a situation.) But would I have been offended? No. Would I have tried to convince her to stay with us? No but if she had been honest with me and wanted me tobe honest with her I would have told her she should go with someone and somehow whether it was to bakersfield or lancaster. Wherever. Just go to school and as soon as possible. And left it at that. She didn't give me a chance to be ok with it. she assumed my reaction and judged me for it. A figment of her self deprecating imagination. I thought the conversation was ending good after we sorted that out though but it wasnt. She didn't want things to be good. Suzy had snuck in by then and told her the lie about grandma or maybe it was alisha who fed her misinformation. who knows.. but she used suzy's lie to be upset at me. I told her it wasn't even true and look at her source. She was also having problems with her mom and sister and brother so it seemed weird she would believe them about something about me. She should know better than anyone how crazy they are. In fact thats how things turned.. we supposedly fixed things and then i said something like well anyways.. how things were going or something like that. and she said blah blah blah and something about her mom and sister being crazy. I said know what you mean or something agreeing with her without flat out saying yeah those bitches are crazy. And she freaks out.. like how dare i agree with her that he sister and mom are crazy. only she can think that and i am much much crazier.. because i hurt grandma. First of all no one has stressed out or hurt grandma more than suzy and these unappreciative assholes. No one. She raised them and gives them EVERYTHING they need and they shit all over her. They use her and disappoint her. They cause all this stress for no reason. They do drugs, party and get drunk, sleep around and keep leeching when this should be the time when grandma and grandpa get to spend time together alone. It should be their time but its all about these idiots and their needs because they cant ... no.. they WONT get their shit together and provide for themselves. Its laughable that they are so desparate for a reason to hate me that theyd make up something that even if it had been true wouldnt even come close to a 10th of the bullshit they put grandma through. It was just disappointing because we thought she was different. That's why tim was actually as happy as I was when we found those records for her and when we invited her to stay with us. But she's a freaking nut. By the end of the conversation she was going off into the abyss. She started just telling me lie after lie about myself.. like I lost my virginity in a car and that tim didn't know I had sex with that jason guy before we got back together (or maybe she was saying he still didn't know) and how unchristian of me. And all sorts of things. Um well i did not lose it in a car. I had sex 1 time in my life before tim (while we were broken up) and it was in a bed thanks. We did make out in his car who hasn't cmon. And tim knew about absolutely everything before we got back together, actually he knew about it before i broke up with that guy because i wrote about it in here. not only did i not hide it from tim i didn't feel the need to hide it from anyone. Its not like a was a slutty slut face that had a history of sleeping around.. i thought tim was gone for good. i thought this new person might turn into something special. I even told my mom right away. So thanks.. But you are insane . Then she started saying how I don't have a job making it like so terrible that I haven't gotten a job.. um I wasn't even looking! Life has been way too crazy this year. Firrst with the constant renovations on the condo and then it was my job to find tenants and write up the lease and clean it before they came and a million other things that make up being a new landlord.Then i couldnt since we were moving to bakersfield. then in bakersfield i was dealing with health issues and tenants water heater and our own water heater and dealing with the terrible apartment management people. It was also MY job to pack and unpack the 5!!! times we moved in the last 6 months... I didn't have time for a job. I didn't want a job. But she's trying to rub it in my face.. and the best part is.. she works at a pizza place just like alisha! haha. Then later, because she is a hypocrite, she is saying she doesn't need money to be happy but I do. We went back and forth saying the most hurtful things we could think of. Difference is her stuff was all lies (except that i am in fact unemployed at the moment) and everything i said was fact. When she started getting really nasty and telling me that it is too late for me [to do anythjng with my life - I'm 27!] but she is young and has all the time jn the world and blah blah blah just being ridiculously hideous.. i was like thats it.. i pretty much said no dear.. we are breaking even at the moment but I'm still happier than you because you are alone, work at a pizza place, and don't have a high school edudation. I might not have a job but at least I've attended college and have only worked at places that didn't require me to wear a hair net. I didnt say this but i should have.... I probably madr more than shes made in her entire working life just at my last job alone. Maybe last 2 jobs. Maaaaaaaaybe but thats being optimistic. She didn't know when to quit. She, just like her mother, started it but i definitely ended it. She was defeated and I told her to leave me alone and she just kept going. Trying desperately to find something she had over me. But the only thing in this particular moment is a job but that's just not somewhere to be bragging about.

Suzy started this whole recent mess by commenting on one of my fb posts. I said something about how people make mistakes but its the ones that lie aabout them that you should probably stay away from. i said it because our friend sal had said a really terrible thing about tim almost every time we were over there and at first i thought i was hearing wrong or he meant something else but after the 4th and 5th times i knew he did not mean it as a joke. He didn't jsut say it when i was around but in front of his wife too (who denies hearing it even though every time he would say it she would give me a look like "idk why he said that"). I decided to confront him after the most recent time he said it and he denied it and we decided to go our separate ways. That's what the post was about. but suzy takes this opportunity to trash me in front of my friends and says "that's funny coming from you". I sent her a private message asking why she would say that. She didn't respond. I asked her again and again and when she finally answered she just started trashing me. With lies and insults that werent true. Like I forced tim to marry me (again) and that i forced him to have the 5th anniversary party. Actually i didn't want that stupid party. it was my mothers idea and tim talked ME into it. I told them both i was too stressed out with moving and stuff to add a party too. Then she just started saying mean things when I was trying to have a rational conversation. She wouldn't answer questions or give reasons for her sudden turn to the dark side. Just one lie and attack after another. So there was nothing more to do but defend and attack back. Yeah yeah I could have blocked her right then and there and just not given her the satisfaction. But I was too angry at her. She had no reason to be doing what she was doing. We had a really nice week together looking for places and talking and I felt like we really bonded. But now I realize it was all fake from day one. I don't get why though. She tried to find out bits of information about why i wasnt talking to manuel and alisha and i was always honest with her. She understood about manuel. and when she talked about alisha i didn't say anything negative against her because i never wished her bad fortune.. i just didn't think she was a nice person and didn;t want her in my life. She [suzy] even drove me down to the metrolink and i thought that was really nice of her and felt bad that we didnt have time to go to eat and that i didn't have more money to give her for gas but i don't like traveling without cash I've done it before and wound up stranded so i saved some. I didn't even give some to the begger kid and I ALWAYS give money to homeless people and stuff. Tim says I do it too much. But i needed it, its not safe or smart to travel without cash. i didn't think she minded though.. she said dont worry about it. and she looked hapy as she waved goodbye. i was happy too. Sometime after my party or maybe before i forget.. we were still looking for places to live in bakersfield. we couldnt find anything and tim was driving back and forth from my moms since he said it was pretty much the same as driving from tehachpi and there was just no room over there and he said he missed me. We haven't spend more than a couple days apart since we met with the exception of 2 weeks when we first met and then when he stayed at my grandmas and/or joeys 2 nights in a row this year... plus we were trying not to overstay our welcome. When we were there suzy and jay let us use their room and they slept on the couches. we felt terrible. especially tim. Then since its hard looking for a place when you arent in that place we planned to come up again. but i needed a car. if tim drove the car to work and i was to meet him in bakersfield to so that we could look after he got off work and he wouldnt have to drive an hour to pick me up and an hour back and then back again. i could just be there when he got off work and we could look together because we were having no luck separately. I called grandma and asked if we could borrow her or grandpas car. she said she likes having a car there for emergencies (agreed) and that the other car was with alisha. i asked if it was possible to get it so i can use it just for one evening since it was kind of important and alisha could probably find a ride or she could take her or she could literally walk because tehachapi is so freaking small. She was basically just saying idk and saying but not saying saying no and I was upset. I asked how long alisha had it and it was something ridiculous like over a month or months and grandma said it was just until she got her car fixed but she hadnt let jay come over to look at it. and i said well obviously because if he fixes her car then she has to give you back yours. I said what do I have to do for you to put me before them for once, just once? its one day. Do i have to do drugs and sleep around and i forget what i said but something about just be crazy like they all are. And she said something like dont say that its not like that. And I said it was. And i was like nevermind I'll figure something out bye and hung up. I told my mom and calmed down and called her back and apologized either that night or the next day but i think that night and she told me not to be sorry. she said she was sorry because i was right and that alisha was deliberately not letting jay look at the car. but if she didn't let him fix it soon she would just tell her to give the car back and i think she said she would figure out if i could get the car that day but at that point i was over asking her for help. i told her its fine and tim just looked alone the next million days. Its this conversation suzy referenced when saying i made grandma cry. Grandma says it isnt true. She said she wasnt even in the same room as her she went outside to talk on the porch or something. Grandma said she wasnt even upset. She's not mad about grandma being upset and crying.. she's mad because her kid was using grandma and grandpa and I called her out and they hate being called out. And she probably told alisha and alisha told corina and they all think I'm so terrible because i tell the truth and point out when someone is TAKING ADVANTAGE of our grandma. They want to point fingers and say i made her upset when thats all they do. They probably were mad because grandma made jay go look at her car finally and he fixed it and they were probably just hoping for grandma to forget and wait until she just considered it alishas car. thats what they do. they take ownership of things in manipulative ways. How many cars has suzy gotten out of them.. and they get all weird that my mom has the house for such cheap rent. um you guys dont even pay ANY rent. and grnadma and grandpa havent fixed anything in that house like real landlords would... she the tenant has to pay for it all herself when something breaks. and everything is breaking. If suzy had that house it would be a bloody mess. like unliveable. and she would probably have like all her bummy friends living there too. itd be one big squatting house full of drugs and partying and general juvenile stuff. suzy has gotten everything from my grandparents and still complains. Her kids follow suit. Grandparents should be there for their family but they suck them dry and spit out the bones. I ask for a favor one day and it wasnt cool because alishas trying to pull a fast one and grandma wasnt quick to catch on until i told her what was up.

If she had been a big girl and said "i dont think it was cool that you told grandma she should get alishas car fixed " (ask ridiculous as that sounds).. I would have said "well doesn't alisha want her car fixed?" she would say either "yes" to which i would say "so whats the problem?" and she would say somethig that would yeild the same answer as if she said no (but she wouldnt just say no.. that's way too honest for these people) and I would say "i regret nothing".

It's annoying because I felt bad about the things I said to suzy during her random attack. But at the same time I didn't do anything. I should be able to defend myself when people just come out and attack me and lie about me and start talking shit to me.. do people really expect me just to be like 'oh yes that lie you are telling is so true. Tell me more.' Tim says I feel bad because I am a good person and they said lies and don't feel bad because they arent. Maybe but it doesn't change that I feel bad even if what i said was all true. But i don't want to because I don't think I should. And I have contradictory feelings about it.. Part of me feels bad but part of me really doesn't. I am a very forgiving person and if I were to get an apology it would be over and I would apologize for the things I said too. But I'm not apologizing when I didn't start it and when they are still spreading the lies. I might be able to apologize for my part if I knew they had any shred of decency in them and knew how wrong they were for starting this shit in the first place. And I'd like to hear them say one thing I've said about them that wasn't true. Sorry the truthhurts. Not my fault, its not my truth, it's yours.

Its not me that wanted it to be like this. I was on good terms with Corina and Suzy. I didn't even get mad when they told me all month they were coming to my 5th year wedding anniversary party and then Corina waits till a couple days before to say she isn't because she has to work. (god forbid someone else attends to the pizzas) But I never said anything about it, i was fine. I didn't even think of it again until i realized she was going out of her way to avoid me. And suzy jusy flat out didn't show up. She didn't even give an excuse or call me to say happy anniversary. I asked her on again off again bf Jay why she didnt come and he said her hip was hurting her. (And he kept saying that i should call her. Um no I am at a party for me... I'm busy worrying about the people who actually are here or show interest in me.. but if she called me i would be more than happy to talk to her. Just like i was happy when one of my friends called to say she couldn't make it.) Then i asked grandma and she said she had a migraine. right. But i didn't even get mad. I just let myself assume one of those was true and never mentioned it.

It just makes me want to take the present i got my grandpa back and that makes me sad. But my grandma always puts them first.. I mean she said something surprising on the phone after i told her what suzy said.. first she tried to take on the blame just like my mother does with jason (hmm wonder where she get sit... i so hope i break the nasty cycle of favortism and double standards with my children someday) and said how its her fault because she said "i know you guys dint get along so can you leave while they come over" and she said suzy got mad and she eventually just told them to get out or something. I'm not sure if they listened. I really dont think any of them EVER listen to what grandma wants. But then my grandma said "well i am going to tell her not to text that stuff to you and if she does she can just move out". I was shocked. I don't really believe it but just to hear it was shocking. I was proud of my grandma for being so confident and it felt nice that she at least wanted to stick up for me. Ive always felt like I'm the black sheep. Like she puts me last. Because she kind of has. Even my cousins renee and erycka would joke "grandma hates you" and we'd laugh but it stung a little because i felt it was true. she wouldn't let me live with her when I needed a place when it was just 1 other person there because she insisted there was no room. but now she has suzy jay manuel his gf and their baby and a dog all living there. I felt like if one more person turned against me i would just crack and i expected it.. but she didn't. she understood me. But even so, I am still torn about the gift. I just know that with manuel and suzy in that house if they get a glimpse of my present for grandpa they will steal it or just outright take it from him. For themselves or pawn it. Or someday when he passes away it will somehow be given to one of them instead of back to us. It doesn't need to go to us.. I don't care if they gave it to a stranger on the street but Tim and I both don't want anything they own to be from us. ever. Tim's actually really stressed about it. He probably wants to return it more than I do. I asked my grandma if my grandpa had any doctor appointments coming up and she said no. I told her to let me know when and she said we can meet in the parking lot after.. kind of sucks. Like I know grandpa hates leaving the house and he isn't going to want to be in a parking lot for more than the amount of time it takes to get in the car and fasten his seat belt. I wanted to sit down with him and show him everything he can do with it. Something i thought would bring us together. we have nothing in common. and i thought this would be something nice we could share. a nice memory. i dont have many with him and its really been bugging me. and i want him to know how much i love him even if i get all weird around him. i never know what to say. and he can never hear anything i am saying. Anyways her saying we could just meet in the parking lot after kind of hurt because its like all its about is the gift. not the time spent together. i mean it works for me. or worked for me when i was younger. but i see the value in spending time with people because i see how much it means to them and it does end up meaning a lot to me. its hard for me in the moment. but its worth it. idk. i almost felt like saying how about we just mail it. maybe i did say that. not sure. i dont think so. i honestly think i will just return it or if we cant then sell it. i wonder if my grandma would still be understanding of me if i didn't come with a gift. (not saying what it is so they dont know what to look for if i did give it to him)

And now that that is all out of my system. I can forget these stupid jerks.

[639] heart & soul