uhg. people can be so thoughtless. I went to see "you, me and dupree" with sal last night. and.. in the very beginning of the movie it shows the girl molly and the guy carl together. and they're all cutesy wootsy. and the guy just looks so inlove with her. and she says something to him like "remember that when this is over[the wedding], its just you and me" and he actually looked excited. and excited about his wedding. and his marriage and his fiance` person. and i dunno. i want that. tim's taken me for granted so much it makes me sick. i mean he has his moments. he's affectionate, and he makes me laugh. but you know.. im not in high school anymore. those things arent enough now. i guess i just want things he cant give me. or maybe he can. and it is infact in him. but he doesnt cuz maybe he just doesnt think Im "the one". Maybe he see's me as a space in time. and he's holding off on being who i know he can be.. for someone else. someone better. i dunno. last night was so stupid tho. i mean what the hell is wrong with him? he acts like a 15 year old sometimes. he made plans with me and then calls me at the very last minute to tell me he's changing OUR plans to hang out with his friends. and go drink or whatever. first... it was already 8:30. and he doesnt even like staying up past 10 on friday nights cuz he has to be up at 5 for work on saturday. second... well if i numbered all the things he did wrong, we'd be here all day. aaron said it was because of "peer pressure". well screw peer pressure. what is he 5? am i the only person who got over "peer pressure" at 13? seriously. he cant ever think for himself. or ahead. or about anyone but himself. he's just a self absorbed pushover who just thinks of the now and doesnt want to deal with later. i mean. uhg... it pisses me off how we'll be together on a friday and its like 11 or whatever and i want to talk.. not for a long time but i would like words to be said. and he just moans and whines about how he has to be up in a few hours. i mean he must hate talking morethan he hates drinking. at least talking doesnt make your head hurt in the morning. what is wrong with me? i asked him last night. at 2 am (when he FINALLY picked up his cell phone) if i ever make him feel unwanted. and he said no. of course he said no. cuz i make him everything. for what? I mean would it have been so hard for him to say "ya know guys my girlfriend just got back in town and we made plans already. maybe next time." or whatever. i guess so. ya know one thing ilove about that stupid movie you me and dupree.. the guy carl.. he stood up for molly. to her father who hated him so much. and tim cant even turn down his friends for me. and the guy he went out with.. is like 27. how immature can you get? he has my bf out drinking when they have to be up that early and doesnt even have the decency to call his girlfriend when tim fell asleep at his house?? what a tool. seriously. im so mad. and i know to some this situation doesnt seem too big. at least not big enough to break up with someone over. but. its not the first time tim has made me feel like this. its not the first time tim has put someone or something else before me. its not the first time he's only thought about himself and didnt even consider what he's doing to me. sometimes i feel like he's doing it on purpose.. so i'll break up with him. cuz he's too much of a pussy to do it himself. well im not afraid anymore. i dnt want someone who halfasses a relationship. priority one should be God. Priority 2- wife, fiance, or girlfriend. and then the rest. and i know theres boys likethat out there. i mean. pastor damion told me thats how he lives his life. he puts God first then his wife always. and they have a great marriage. i guess timmy will never understand. he wasnt raised the way i was. he can go and have flings and put work and money and friends and his brother and sleep and vide games and whatever else he does in a day, before me... and see where it gets him. cuz he's just going to end up alone and bittter. unless he finds a pathetic girl who puts up with all his crap. cuz im sick of trying to talk to someone who nearly has a heartattack every time i try. and im not listening this time. to how he's "sooo sorry and blah" cuz he does this thing wheree im mad at him and then he turns it complettely around and puts himself down and acts all hurt and then i end up saying im sorry cuz i hate seeing him like that. but its not working this time. cuz i see thru him. he always brags about how he doesnt get tickets when he gets pulled over and how his parents didnt punish him and blah. and im just another bullet to dodge. gah. the sad part is. i was about to tell him what song i wanted to be played at my wedding some day. not exactly the song for the first dance, altho, its apossiblity. but mostly for, you know. that song during the service that someone sings. yeah. i dont tell anyone cuz.. i dunno its not a big deal but its just something i keep to myself. and i told myself i wouldnt tell a guy unless i really felt like he was IT. and i was going to tell tim. i was up at my grandmas and my cousin erycka is soo girly. and we were watching this show about weddings. mostly cuz it was after the show we were just watching. and nothing else was on. and she was talking about everything she wants at her wedding and it blew me away. she's in jr high and she knows pretty much every single detail about her wedding. i mean some of it was obviously from the mind of a jr higher. and is subject to change over the next few years, but the fact is. she's thinking about that stuff. and knows what she wants. and she would ask me what i want and i would tell her some stuff but mostly, i didnt know yet. and it just made me realize, i am not weird for thinking about my wedding. im a girl. im 19. its natural. and its okay for me to want certain things to happen certain ways. we're talking about the BIGGEST most IMPORTANT and not to mention HAPPIEST day of the rest of mY life. and hopefully my future husbands. and i dunno that night went to sleep thiking about all that stuff, and i thought about tim. and i decided to tell him about that song. and then i get here. and its late so of course i decided to wait till a better time. cuz i know how he loves his sleep (erg)and then. he just. well yesterday happened. and im pretty glad i didnt tell him. i guess its a good thing that he was a jerk yesterday or i would have told him and then realized later how stupid i was.