[1442]

by ilickdoorknobs
i decided to redo my resume. its about time. its so childish now. compared the the very first one, i felt it was a huge difference.. they both look the same now. today we went to the movies. they play old movies. they call it a "flashback night" or whatever. its a cool concept.. if people didn't devour it. we thought it was bad when we went to see the labyrinth. i mean. it was at a few parts but for the most part, people kept their cool and were aware of the people around them. but tonight. god. we sat down about 2 rows from the back. its not the normal theaters. its set up like those theaters that show independent films.. all about one level and not very many seats. feels cramped and being short, someones head is ALWAYS in your way. but i was excited nonetheless. and i like saying and writing "nonetheless". soo.. we sit. we get situated. and right away the ladies in the front row started up.. they were so loud. i don't understand audiences sometimes. there were kids there like it was a cartoon.. like 3. anyways.. the movie starts and the ladies in front of us were the least of our annoyances.. tim hates when the crwod gets all cheery in general.. but singing along.... that makes me want to kick myself in the face, so i felt really bad. until.. the lady behind us.. started. some big black woman with a big loud voice and absolutely no consideration for anyone around her.. she sang well above a whisper for the WHOLE ENTIRE movie! everyone else amounted to a tolerable hum. but she must have thought this was some sort of super secret grease on Broadway audition. and not only that! she would talk too.. pretending to know the lines.. but she didn't. she would say what they said half a second after they'd already said it.. trying to look like a devoted fan i guess. its one thing when your in the privacy of your own home.. with people who you annoy on a regular basis.. but it was so rude. so many times i wanted to just turn around and say something. and i could have. she was in the row behind us and no one was sitting in the seats next to me. but she could probably kill me.. but sitting on me. anyways, it was super gay. Tim couldn't run out of there fast enough. heh it was actually pretty funny. this room is so cramped. 2 computer desks. a book shelf, 2 big computer chairs, a tv stand, a drum set, a lamp, a game chair, tims whatchamacallit u know.. that speaker thing.. can't think of the name right now.. and 2 guitars. doesn't sound like much but it is. we're getting guitar wall mounts. i thought that would be a nice visual effect.. and space saver. we got the curtains over the white doors now.. it looks a lot better. i love Everwood :] we still haven't had sex. but sort of. last night was the farthest yet. anyway.. its getting better. but I'm thinking, I'm broken. i need to go to the doctor. I've been saying that but I'm sort of freaking out. like i really want some stranger poking around at my vagina. I have better things to do.. like jump in front of a moving bus. earlier tonight when i was in the bathroom.. something happened that never happened before and it scared me. i don't think i can handle more problems.. in that area. not to mention... i think Tim gave me his sore throat. and i have a huge headache. Moorpark college doesn't offer online classes.. not for web design or anything close to is. there was a c++ and art appreciation class... not even close. i feel weird. i feel like I'm pulling away. i don't mean to. Timmy has been more than wonderful to me. open.. and i feel like I'm closing up. Which makes me really mad at myself.. because when asked what i loved most about being married.. i answered with how close we've gotten and how much he is able to open up with me.. how everything changed.. for the better. i don't think he could say the same right now. not like i am mean to him.. I feel like I'm just.. there. I'm happy.. I have a habit of ruining things when they are perfect. I don't want to. I've been saying "always" and "forever". and I've meant it. but lately lately.. I have been stupid and thinking about how I can't think of one example of forever. and always. tonight i was putting some things away and there was this black zipped up planner.. which sort of just turned into a place to put junk and things I've forgotten about. I was shifting through it to throw somethings away.. i found the normal stuff. old pictures.. letters.. and then a card, from vannessa. it was for my birthday. the top says "You're like a sister to me". I haven't thought about her in what seems like.. forever heh. but i was curious so i read it. I wish i didn't. the card alone is a lie, talking about how I am a sister, not a friend.. and her lengthy note inside was even more of a lie.. saying that it would stay like that "always and forever" and we'd go through everything together. "never forget that". it took me a long time to forget it. but i did because i had to. because my "sister" didn't want to be my sister anymore. because of a misunderstanding and a mother i couldn't control. we didn't go through "everything". we didn't even get through our first and only and last real fight. i couldn't go to her birthday. Brett came down unannounced and i didn't plan to ruin anything. i couldn't have gone to her birthday if i wanted to, i didn't have money like she did. my mom bought her a promise ring before she knew about Disneyland. my mom wanted it to be an abstinence ring.. and i did too. but i also wanted it to be a friendship ring. but she never got the stupid ring and she never called me ever again after what she promised would be temporary. and, although at the time i was pretty torn up about it.. I'm fine now and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would give up that easily on a friendship or sistership. but then it triggered more feelings.. and jenae comes to mind.. and i don't even know what the heck happened there.. she just decided one day to hate me and never looked back. i don't really get it still. but it is what it is and I don't think we'd have anything in common now-a-days anyways. even tho her number one goal was to be my friend forever. point is, all these people who i felt closer to than anyone, at the time, just up and left for no reason. no good reason. after saying stupid words like "always" and "forever". i can't think of someone who isn't family who has stuck. all relationships fail until the one that doesn't but no one ever excepts the one they are currently pursuing to fail.. you don't know until its over. and to get there you have to trust you will. I was thinking about this one time a long time ago when my mom took me to talk to my pastor. we were talking about "generational" traits. and like how if a guy smokes, his son will have a higher propensity to smoke than a son of a nonsmoker kind of thing. we prayed over my generational things.. like not to get pregnant out of marriage like most of the women, or all.. have before me. in Tim's family.. no one is married anymore. we never prayed to break that.. and I'm not perfect. and Tim is going to leave me because of it. I'm gay. I get so angry thinking about this stuff. you care so much about people.. you would do anything for them.. and they walk away for a non reason. for nothing. its hard to have hope when everything around is broken. idk maybe thats why i don't have friends now.. i mean the opportunity hasn't presented itself as of late.. and everyone else is.. gone.. I'd like to say i try when i can, but maybe i don't. maybe I'm afraid of friends. why do people act so sure about things they know nothing about? hmmmmmmm.. --------------------------------------------------- myspace survey You're trapped in a room for 3 days with your worst enemy, what do you do? throw dog poo at her. (stephanie a) the a stands for "a-hole". You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what happens? everything! jk i don't know. I'm claustrophobic sometimes so I'd probably pass out. and we all now by now, Timmy would be there to catch me. The celebrity you love the most offers to marry you, as long as you don't talk to any of your current friends or family members anymore, do you marry them? no, unfortunately. bah. You weigh 700 pounds, do you get liposuction or lose the weight manually? i don't think i would ever get that fat. we try to eat pretty healthy. and i like exercising when i do and i am afraid of that sucky liposucky thing i saw a show on tv doing it to this really big lady and i almost threw up. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i would kisss his face and tell him i like him too. Have you ever liked someone on your top? g's If you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it? ahhhh! i can't snort anything.. once i had a cold and my mom said to snort salt water because it clears it out really fast and for a long time. i could barely do that.. and thats just water. ew just thinking about it gives me the creeps. i guess I'd die. If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive? no way. I am a wuss and I hate sharp things. I can't even have steak knives pointing at me at the dinner table. You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color do you choose? like a shade lighter or darker i guess. i don't think any other color would go with my face You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get? a CHIN ring! idk.. i used to want an eyebrow piercing but I'm thinking no. You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get? booo. maybe my armpit so i don't have to see it, and no one else does either. o. and it would be a dot. because i hate tattoos When's the last time you were in a photobooth taking pictures with friends? i think it was with Timmy and Manuel at the mall a few years ago Your good friend is getting beat up real bad in a fight, do you help out? of course i would. Are you listening to music? not right now. i was. it just turned off Are you planning on/going to college? been already, trying to go back Could you go a month without cursing? yeah, i don't curse very often. a little more than before but thats faaaaar less than most people these days Who's the last person you had a sleepover with? tim? Have you ever been called 'scene'? what does that mean? Next president? like obama or that other guy? i have no idea. but that other guy seems like a baby George bush. so obama.. Gay marriage; for or against? neutral i think. i am not for it but I'm not against it. i think its against the bible and stuff but they're people and they can make their own decisions. Have your parents ever told you that you couldn't hang out with certain people? yes but i didn't listen. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts? yes. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them? yeah. I'm not going to act all happy to see someone i don't like. Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice, that you can't even stand being around her for more than 30 seconds? yeah Who was the last baby you held? tim and pams baby. she's cute Are you allowed to stay up later than 10pm on a weeknight? no way thats ridiculous lol Did you go to sleep happy last night? no : [ I'm sick. kinda On average, what do you think you cry about the most? relationships. money. success. Do you like ferris wheels? yes sir. they are spectacular Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to? yes he's my husband face Who was the last girl you talked to? my mom Who was the last guy you talked to? Timmy Do you think best friends can be replaced? no. best friends can never be replaced Do you plan on moving this year? already did. had a dream we were moving again tho. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? yes How many people do you have 'a thing' for right now? 1 Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone? tim Were you happy when you woke up today? a bit Why is your myspace song your song and what it is? i have a playlist. and i just like the songs i guess What color shirt are you wearing? white When was the last time you talked to your number 2? idk. like in person.. weeks.ish Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in? thrown in. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? yes. gross. i couldn't kiss a smoker. Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? maybe. who knows. o wait.. yes i have. :] at least for a little while. Where is your phone? in front of me What color are your eyes? like brown Do you get butterflies every time you see the one you like? sometimes. and i get hugs and kisses. Who is your best friends boyfriend? lol me? Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? both and to the extreme. Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to? tim what is irritating you at this moment? not being able to just get up and gooo to the doctor.. i don't want to. i am scareded :[
Read 0 comments
No comments.