back at home. it was inevitable. picked up manuel from nicks at like 9p. talked to my mom from like then to 11ish. it turned out good. i didnt eat dinner... did i? i cant rememmber. i had mc donalds for lunch. gasp! no dinner :( in the middle of our conversation.. she mentioned that she is or was so over protective because Im "precious". I dont feel precious. no one calls me precious anymore. not the people who used to or new ones. no one. i guess its too late. u cant glue the petals back to a broken flower. i was never a flower. i was a dandelion. they look like flowers. theyre just weeds. i wanna watch everwood. :( no connecty thhings. why is life so cruel... jk? _____________________________________________________ 1. Are you single? no.. 2. Are you happy? idk anymore. 3. Are you bored? tired. 4. Are you sad? yeah. 5. Are you Italian? ha what? 6. Are you French? nope. 9. Are you Irish? nopies. 10. Are your parents still married? no way. TEN FACTS 1. Birth Place: mission hills 2. Hair Color: brown 4. Hair style: longish 5. Eye color: brown 6. Birthday: october 21st. its my golden birthday. life can have such a twisted sense of humor.. 7. Mood: bleh. 9. Where do you live? saugus. 10. Lefty/righty? rightness. TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE 1. Have you ever been in love? yes i have. 2. Do you believe in love at first sight? for some people. i'd be stupid to say yes for myself tho. 3. Why did your last relationship fail? i guess were talking about sean here.. and. because i was scared. i thought he would cheat on me with kelly. so i did it first. but it wasnt with just anyone.. not that that part matters. might even make is worse. 4. Have you ever been hurt? everyone gets hurt. 5. Have you ever broken someone's heart? i wish i could change the past but i cant. 6. Are you in love? what is love? its just a stupid word. 8. Are you afraid of commitment? u know.. maybe i am. or was. who knows reallly. 9. Have you hugged someone within the last week? yeah. 10. Have you ever had a secret admirer? had. yes. TEN THIS OR THAT? 1. Love or lust? love 2. Hard Liquor or Beer? niether 3. Cats or dogs? bunnies and ponies and duckiesss 4. A few best friends or many regular friends? few besties 5. Television or Internet? internet. im addicted as of lately. 6. Pepsi or coke? coke 7. Wild night out or romantic night? wildly romantic night out?? 9. Night or day? night 10. IM or phone? face to face. or phone i guessss TEN HAVE YOU EVER 1. Been caught sneaking out? no but i did sneak out 2. Been skinny dipping? no. 3. Done something you regret? i'd like to say no but i cant 4. Bungee jumped? want tooo 6. Finished an entire jaw breaker? maybe. i used to love those thingies. 7. Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ouch. its the worst. 9. Cried because you lost a pet? obmar :( my retarded 3 legged hamster. she was the best.. 10. Wanted to disappear? and never return. like in lion king *sigh* TEN PREFERENCES 1. Smile or eyes: eyes. 2. Light or dark hair: brown 3. Hugs or kisses: hugs. 4. Shorter or taller: taller 5. Intelligence or attraction: both. 6. Romantic or spontaneous: i think its romantic to be spontaneous. not impulsive. i can be impulsive and i hate it. 8. Hook-up or relationship: relationship. 10. Boy or girl: boy.. TEN LASTS 1. Last phone call you made: idk 2. Last phone call you received: manuel 3. Last person you hung out with: hung out with? tim. 4. Last person you hugged: the mother 5. Last person you tackled: tackled? like a football player? idk. did they mean tackled or tickled? 6. Last person you IMed: mm pretty sure it was derek. 7. Last text message you received: at&t stuff 9. Last person you kissed: timmy 10.Last person you showered with: myself. ______________________________________________ well wasnt that fun. not really. surveys really are lame. i miss God. For some reason i went to mike lopez's myspace and read a random blog. it was a prayer about how he misses God and how he's fallen away. its exactly how i feel. have been feeling. thru no fault but my own. i iwsh i did everything right. lately its been nothing but regret running thru my head. i know it would make timmy sad to hear this. its not his fault tho. at all. and i would never think that. its mine. things were looking okay for a while in the God department when i was with sean (just in the God department) and then something happened. i messed up. even tho ive attended church. it hasnt been the same. i feel ashamed. i feel like no matter what. Im a bad person. how can u worship like that? knowing its possible that you may screw up, maybe not like that, but in other ways. and he already knows. and its like.. he's thinking.. so what? ur worshiping now but its not going to mean a thing tomorrow. thats all i think about when i try. But i miss him. i want to want to get back into church and relationship. right now im just scared. but really i shouldnt be. things were a lot easier when i let Him take the wheel. things we're a lot clearer. i had joy. i havent had that in a long time. people used to tell me i lit up a room. and that my joy was contagious. i dont hear that anymore. i miss that too. sounds kinda vain in a way i guess but its not like that. its better than this. way better. im so cynical and depressed all the time. i want out. i want to be new. hmm. maybe i should be baptized. not like a tub of water is going to make this all go away. but its a start.. yeah? im confused. i need to talk to tim. it wasnt just a coincidence. it was stupidity but maybe it was a sign too. maybe this nervous feeling in my stomach is a sign too. maybe im just a masocist. a self sabbatoging loser. why cant i just be happy? if God's got this soul mate out there for me like all these people keep saying. 'God has a plan.' ok where the heck is he? and if i have it or had it.. how the heck am i supposed to know? and if i havent.. whats with all the filler? and why does the filler have to be so fuzzy? not just black and white and easy? like 'ok, obviously not it'.. too much to ask i guess. maybe theres no such thing and i need to just shut up about it.