Now there is a link between antidepressants taken during pregnancy and autism. hmm. I wonder if my mom was taking them around the time she had me. I know she's taken them. once in a fight she mentioned she'd been on them for something like 20 years! and i was around 20 ish. idk. she probably got on them when i was born. that would make more sense. i would ask her. but that would require talking to her and I'm not up for it.

tomorrow we are going to dinner with tims grandma. i feel like we're forcing her. she didn't want to. she made plans for us to have dinner with her and tims cousins, uncle and aunt kim. but we haven't spoken to his aunt kim in years. because she is pure evil. like... worse than my mom! she is insane.. we didn't want to go if she was going unless she apologized to us. Because of her it took a long time to remove everyones biased opions about me. based on lies she spewed around. based on what i think is deeper than just being a bitch. i think she is racist. seriously.. of course you can never classify a majority people into a category or you become as low as them in stereotyping. but she fits the criteria. she's white. she's old. she's from colorado. she doesn't say my name. she says "some girl". When i first met her her topic of conversation was complaining about the "blacks" up the street breaking into their or their neighbors car. i forget which. but it wasn't their race that made them retarded. there are stupid people in every race. and she proves it in her own. she is so retarded. she has this superiority complex. like she is better than everyone. i think its just because she knows she hasn't done anything with her pathetic life and has to lash out on others. to make people hate them as much as she hates herself. i hate these kinds of people. anyways. tims grandma wasn't making sense. tim asked to speak to his aunt kim and she gets on the phone and is immediately hostile. she didn't have any idea what was coming and the first thing she says in a bitter tone is "what do you want timmy?" and she barely let him speak and laughed at everything she said. when she called me some girl and he told her i wasn't "some girl" i was his WIFE! "...my wife of 3 years!" he yelled at her... :) (that made me feel good hearing him say that so... passionately.) But to that she said "give it up timmy". what does that even mean? What a horrible person she is. When his grandma got back on the phone timmy asked if we could just pick her up and have dinner with her and us on saturday. she said no. and that she "can't do this anymore".. what? this is the first time she's been in the middle of this crap. and his aunt kims recollection of the whole thing is completely wrong. she's skewed everything to make her look like she's in the right and we are obviously in the wrong. she said timmy got mad at her for not inviting me to thanksgiving dinner. what? no he didn't we called to ask if we could come to their house an hour later because my family was doing thanksgiving lunch and they were doing dinner. we were going to go eat lunch and leave at like 3 or 4 , i forget which but only an hour after when we were originally going to come and then stay until dinner. but she freaked out on timmy on the phone. he couldnt say anything. she thought i was telling him he couldn't go to their thanksgiving. she kept telling him he was a bad grandson or something because he didn't want to see his grandma. we never cancelled dinner. we just wanted to come an hour later. coming at 4 for dinner is pretty reasonable if u ask me. when i could see timmy was getting frustrated i asked to talk to her. he said "here talk to jeni, she'll explain" and handed me the phone. i said "hi kim..." and then click. she hung up on me before i even said anything. wtf. who does that. she didn't even know what i was going to say. she didn't want to hear the situation. she wanted to cause drama. thats all her and aaron do. they stir up shit for the hell of it. its weird. so timmy called his mom. crying. and i wanted to comfort him. i didn't know how. and sometimes, because of all the things aaron and his aunt tell people.. i feel i cant say things.. like sal and stephnie and chase and monica... many couples actually.. when people call they'll put them on speaker phone so everyone can talk. it would seem like a normal thing to do in that situation. but i feel like i cant even be heard in the background without them thinking i'm just feeding timmy lines. so i try to keep my mouth shut and just wait. but im so impatient and its so frustrating. tims mom has been one of those people. like his grandma. like my family. when you dont want to solve a problem so you just say "you're both wrong. just move on". but its not always that easy. and sometimes someone is right and its not fair when people keep saying "you're both wrong". she used to do that. but we gave her the benefit of the doubt. we dont have anyone else. and this time she came through. when he got off the phone he was crying. and i went to comfort him. but something came over me. the same feeling as in the car earlier that day. the feeling from the previous entry. and this is what i didn't want to talk about. because its so stupid. the whole situation is stupid. most of these things are. but it just threw me into a panic. and i was being torn apart from all directions. i dont even know if i would be able to accurately explain what i was feeling but i'm going to try. because i dont want to feel that way. i need to get it out. i think the first thing i felt was rejection. overwhleming amounts of rejection. i've tried to play it off for a while that how tims family thinks about me doesn't really affect me as long as timmy loves me. but it does get to me. especially because of my own family. and then the rejection from them hit me. and then i saw i was the common denimominator.. right? so that made me feel horrible and guilty. and i felt crazy and insane because i still felt like i wasn't wrong in those situations. not all but the big ones that causes relationships to break. and then i felt helpless because i felt like i was right and no one let me ever be right. and no one ever listened. not just to me but timmy. i always had bad relationship luck. people treating me like shit and taking advantage. and it finally passed onto timmy. when you marry you become one right? i felt like i gave him a disease. and i felt like posion. i felt toxic in my own skin. i felt like i needed to rip it off. i felt like i was going to explode. and with every revelation the fastermy heart beat and the harder it was to breath and i felt crazy again because I liked it. because i wanted my heart to beat so fast. too fast.. and then stop.. and i felt evil. for thinking that. and about leaving timmy. but then i felt that he would be better off. he deserves better. i am horrible. everyone sees it but him. my own family saw it. his family. i see it myself. and there he is comforting me. a few minutes ago HE was crying and i wanted to comfort HIM and somehow, the opposite was happening. and i felt horrible for that. for being selfish. but i couldn't stop. in fact that made it worse.

since then. its weird. its like it didn't happen almost. its still there. the feeling hasn't gone away. its in there. growing.. but there isn't anything i can do about it right now. and if i could i still dont know what i would do or what that would be. i just stopped crying and went back to "normal" because I'm too confused to do anything else. thats the only thing that makes sense right now. in a.. "what do i do now" way... i don't know what the hell i should do.. so why not just do what i was doing until i do know. seemed like the logical thing to do. Honestly. i am probably confusing the hell out of timmy. i think i appear happier and more content since then than before. but its not like before when you get mad and then something "cool" or "fun" happens and you forget for a while. no. this time.. its there ALL the time.. and I am still thinking of it... with a smile on my face. when i laugh. when i make small talk at work. even when i am singing to new found glory at the top of my lungs on the way to work. it hasn't gone away. i don't forget about it. not since that night. i'm angry that it was that situation that made me crack. i knew it was always a possibility. i dont know what that ultimately means. i don't even know if i believe in God anymore. i just know nothing is right. and i am not right. and i just want to sleep. i'm tired. I'm afraid of being without timmy. but i'm afraid of being with him, because i am not good enough. i'm afraid he would be settling for me... if i were gone he might be able to find someone better. i wouldn't ever be able to. so thats not fair. both people should get something out of the relationship. i dont think i have anything to give. maybe i used to. idk.