Its amazing. i didnt even cry. its ok. I do love andres. But he doesnt know what he wants. He says he hates his dad, but his dad has a huge effect on his actions. He says alot. He is such a people pleaser. He cant just give me a straight answer about anything about our relationship.. or lack of. Its ok. That was his last chance. and he didnt even know. It wasnt going to be. going into the conversation, i didnt think I would end it with that intent.. I was gonna say we shouldnt see each other for a while and soon we could be friends and see what happens. but he said some things... and he has issues. Im not the only one. A person doesnt change THAT much in 6 months. I am so mad right now. not longing. just mad. He is a complete contridiction. He looks at everyone elses flaws, weaknesses, and mistakes... and doesnt heed to his own. When I talked at him.. because i sure didnt talk with him.. (it takes 2 to talk)... he just sat there. I asked him to tell me what he wanted.. he said he wanted to finish school and get his careeer going. great. that is great. But what the heck? Why now? what was all this for then? Why couldnt he have waited back then to pursue someone? and of all people.. why me? He was in school when he met me... he was working and trying to pursue a career when he met me. And he said he wasnt thinking of those things back then.. cuz he was thinking of me. obviously not. obviously he wasnt thinking of me.. cuz look what is happening. Did he think about now? of course not. Well he SHOULD have been thinking about those things. all of them. Thats not my fault.. and its ME who is hurting now. ME! for his foolishness. HIS! mistake. I wish i never let him touch me. I wish I never let him kiss me. AND HE! HE freaking pressured ME to kiss him and now.. now what? what was it for? this is stupid.. I told him I was scared.. and I had every right to be. I wish I never let myself feel anything for him. I could have just broken up with brett and been on my own. I wish I never let myself open up. I am so stupid. i hate myself. Why does he think he'd have to put his life on hold to be with someone? You dont have to do things one at a time.. he gets on other people, no names, about being irresposible.. but what does he think this is? I'd say thats pretty childish. the world isnt a step by step process.. he's so "logical" and so blah blah blah.. all this stuff but one thing he doesnt even have enough sense to know is what he freaking lost. His problem is commitment. As soon as i was ready and wanted something back, he's out. Its not about brett.. its not about anything. he just doesnt want me. his expectations are way to high. he talks crap about his dad.. he IS his dad. I hate boys. i hate them. I said i didnt want to see him for a while.. but i hate boys. i dont want to see him ever. Why? whats the point? So i can be his friend and be over him and eventually see him pursue another girl the way he used to pursue me? no way. im done. I wouldnt want to be with him anyways. theres so much on my "list of expectations" that HE isnt. I dont want to be with someone who isnt crazy about me. he wants to get married someday.. well.. he is going to have an awful hard time finding a wife with his attitude towards love. you cant just put love on a shelf. it doesnt work like that. ok well... the no crying thing.. its over.
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