I feel lost, too.

I wouldn't say I don't have a direction.. I think more accurate would be, if I am a boat in the ocean, I have a direction but no paddle. And I actually have a few directions that could make sense... but right now they all depend on distance (as in time and effort) to get there instead of what I would pick if distance wasnt an issue. Lik if I had a motor. Or a dragon. Yes.

I feel like a broken record. Saying th same things to absolutely everyone, including myself. making decisions in my head but not turning choices into actions and moving forward. Just staying and expecting things to change. I hurt everyone around me. I try to be selfless and end up being more selfish than before. I don't understand how it happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I want, what I should want, what I could want, etc etc... i know a lot of things that dont matter.

The fire in my chest ignnited again today and I dont think its going to go away. It never did. Why am I surprised. Did I expect anything else..

I feel like I've been split into several different people all sitting around a conference table debating what they think I should do every second of every day and in general. Maybe its always been this way but there was aa dominant voice that I refered to as myself and chose to listen to the most. but now they all sound the same. And nothing I do makes sense from one second to the next because these people are nothing alike. One day I think one way and the next someone else takes over and the things I thought the day before dont make sense.. or do but i couldnt care less because so does this new voice. i dont actually hear voices.... that'd be nice though. sometimes the silence is overwhelming.

I feel old. the last 2 years. Like its too late for anything to be "fixed". And then I feel ridiculous for thinking that way.

I've decided to put all my old dreams away for good. Develop new dreams. Stop putting timeframes on plans. Nothing ever works out the way you want. Planning is good to an extent. Waiting for the right time.. waiting for things to feel "right" isn't a way to live. But even if you dont think that way.. others usually feel that way so what you want doesnt matter anyways.

Everyday, at least for now, I work out for my body, learn french for my mind, and play guitar for my soul. I wish I could say its enough. Its not but it definitely helps.

Right now I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible. Not just that but disappearing. One day just leaving a note for everyone I know who cares (and thats not many) and just leave and not say where or why just leave and not give a date for coming back or say whether i am or not. For several different reasons. I have some issues.. some things that happened. things i dont think will go away. i thought i could deal with some stuff.. and instead.. well it doesnt matter.. but i realized.. even if i deal with one thing another will take its place, whether its the same sort of situation or something else. and whats the point? Why try? Why not just steer into the skid? What if this is God or the unverse telling me what it thinks of me.. what I'm worth.. or I just have really bad luck. I'm too naive. I'm too fragile. I'm too trusting. As much as I would love to say I dont trst anyone (and I often do) it isnt true. i trust everyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet. Not in an in love love way but you know what i mean. or you dont.what was the point? Right... I'm just screwed. I can continue to try and be what I think I should be and try to do good because that's what i think is important and genuinely want or just say screw it.. and give in to this feeling. meh. I dont know how to explain what that would mean without gtting into stuff i dont care to talk about. but i feel like whatever is causing that feeling is growing and isnt going to stop any time soon.

Its not fair to want things to go back to the way they were before.

I try putting myself in other peoples shoes. Not just saying it but really.. I spend way too much time just imagining how it would be.. and how i would feel.. thats what makes everything so hard.. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i cant do this anymore. and no matter what i choose i will hurt too in some way. no matter what. being honest was enough in the beginning but not anymore. the only thing that matters now is following through. how. its impossible. feelings are such shit. they just screw everything up.

at least I am on my own. at least.

i miss jefri. weird subject change but today i thought.. what got me through before? What is making it so hard? And i dont know.. but i had beeen really busy with him.. especially as he got older and needed constant attention.. he was like a baby. and he looked so cute in his little premie diapers... a buny in a diaper is probably the best thing ever.. and sad. but he wasnt suffering. he didn't not even at the end. he was happy. but it wasn't just that.. he was with me through a lot. its stupid but.. lol its stupid.. but i had him 10 years and when i was sad we would sit and i would cry and he would lick me like he knew. and he wasnt just a rabbit.. everyone said he was like a puppy. Idk he'd lick my nose and cuddle against my leg. i guess its been about 8 months and i havent thought about it. i got rid of all his stuff the same day he passed because i didnt want to look at it. but now its like he never was. i kept some stuff. the bear he loved and licked so much his nose came off. And his socks. Yeah.. he had socks. and little stuff like that. idk its weird. the middle of last year can forever be labeled the season of major change. its weird that he isn't here when i need him.. i feel a little foolish for saying that but its true.

I'm think I'm going to watch a movie. I've been watching the show bob's burgers.. lol tim was watching it and i was giving him a hard time... said it looked really lame. well i was wrong. its probably the only thing that can make me laugh right now. cartooooons. and the voice of louise is the girl from flight of the conchords.. the really obnoxious fan and she's in that new show (which is also pretty funny) last man on earth. the first 2 episodes of that show are amazing. now its just good.

I have to make cake pops for my mom tomorrow. meh. and decorate them. double meh. i usually wouldnt care but idk. i dont feel great. i'm half way between wanting to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth or banging my head against a wall.. at least i dont want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart just to prove to myself that that's not what I am actually experiencing. lol Im stupid.

wah wah wah.. this is why i want to just leave. I am so annoyed with myself. saiasildalsdlsakmdaksm. and my entries just get longer and longer because i think if i just get it all out I'll feel better but I dont.