I'm torn.
So today tim got a bill for that std test he took a few weeks ago. Its negative. obviously. The only reason he even got tested was because jason freaked me out so much about the "stuff" on his "stuff".. but you know what??? i bet he never had a thing on his junk. he was just too much of a pussy to ask me straight out to get tested before having sex with me. no no he has to go and create a bunch of nonsense to scare me into it. anyways so i dont have insurance and tim does so he got tested cuz that would say whether or not i have anything cuz no one else Ive done things with could have given me anything. we were already pretty much tim and myself were clean, but it never hurts to check right? and like i said, jason freaked me out so bad.. and i freaked out tim. SO basically... he got his results today and they were negative but the bill was ridiculous! First of all... they said his insurance would cover it. and second what the heck?? he isnt paying for that! the only reason he even got the test was because of all jasons nonsense. JASON should pay for it. HE (jason) said he was going to get tested himself.. but did he? no. and if he did he would have had to pay that much himself. and tims test tells him what he would have had so he should just pay for it right? right. Im not letting tim pay for jasons mistakes. jasons nonsense. Im calling him tomorrow and he is paying for this. and i swear to everything i know, if he gives me a hard time I will kill him in his sleep. slowly. VERY VERY slowly. or just hurt him muchly. seriously. its the LEAST he could do for taking my virginity. I may not be worth much but more than an std test thats for sure.
and the reason I am torn is...
I cant wait to call him tomorrow and enlighten him with all this... because i feel like he deserves it. and I hurt every day for our mistake and the fact that Im not even sure if he even cares... pisses me off. i dont miss him. I dont hurt for the loss of him. its me i miss and what i was. and he doesnt know what thats like. maybe he did once. but not from me and what happened with me. he can just write this off as a mistake, not the end of his world. so yeah, i do feel a little bad. a little mean. its a mean thing. but i believe in the saying "all is fair in love and war" and this is a perfect example of that. and i think he believes in it too. or he'd be a hypocrite for what he did to a former ex gf of his a while back.. pretty much the same thing.. blackmailing money out of her because of what she did to him. same thing. but my feelings that he deserves this triumph any mean feeling i have or drop of emotion that tells me not to do it. but im also torn because, he was my first time. i know i didnt love him. i know he wasnt and isnt the one. i knew it then and i know it now, but it breaks my heart that that person is out there... and after this.. he'll hate me. is it worth having that person hate me? or is it better to let him walk over me and get away with it? I told him no. I said I dont want to. I said i was in a vulnerable state and I wasnt sure and that i just got out of a seriously relationship. he knew how messed up i was. I know it takes 2 but the guy is the leader. everyone knows that. christian? my butt. He lies. and manipulates. and you can tell how controlling he is. I saw it more and more and we barely went out very long. and the thing that pisses me off most is that he is probably out there tellng people how it was all me.. and how i ruined a good thing and how i am a bad person and he isnt mentioning anything that matters or makes him look bad.. just me...
thats why Im doing it. and thats why I will feel a little bad.. but i dont care.
me and timmy played halo all night tonight. i like playing halo with him. i hate watching football.. with anyone. so im glad i enjoy video games.. otherwise i'd hate everything he likes. then we got candy... and played more halo. i like when he wears his glasses. He's cute.
I have to finish laundry.
and waxing my legs.
goodnight.
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