so.
I've been pretty torn up about a lot of things lately.
And at the same time.. soo happy and content.
Its weird. I feel bipolar sometimes. But i think my mind just focuses on one area at a time because if i try and take it all in.. all the emotions conflict and I just get really confused. Im soo happy and loved being with timmy.. i feel like my walk with God isnt what I want yet, but Im hopeful and can see improvement. Im not afraid to pray even if I feel ashamed.. Im starting to see thats the most important time to pray.. and thats a good thing.. so Im happy about that.
but then.. theres all these things.. or just a bunch of emotions about just one major thing... jason (not the brother) uhg. and sex. and why? and I dont know.. some days I hardly think about it.. like.. it will cross my mind but i just wave it on by.. but those days dont come often. a lot of times, most of the time, a thought will pop up and i will analyze it to pieces. until Im even more confused than when I started.
sometimes I put it all on him. sometimes i know maybe it was all me. sometimes it doesnt even feel like it actually happened. how? i write entry after entry, not just in here but in my physical diary, as well.. and it doesnt take it away. Usually I write about a problem and it is a way of releasing it.. especially on paper. i just want to let it go. and then at the same time.. it pisses me off.. and yeah, hurts me a lot.. that i have to.. and that it was soo easy for him to accept. i dont understand him. i want to just know what the hell he was thinking. i want to know what motivates someone to say such obviously flase things, just to have a few moments of pleasure.. and not even feel guilty about it.. i mean i know i screwed up too. i know it takes 2. but the thing is.. after the fact, i felt worse than i ever have about anything ive ever done in my entire life. i tried justifying it. i tried denying. i tried pretending i was okay.. but.. i was sooo.. disappointed in myself. it was all i thought about and all i wanted to talk about and he just didnt seem interested in talking it out. knowing i was a virgin, knowing. KNOWING it was my first time.. he couldnt take a moment from his busy schedule and pencil in a little chat about it.. and how i was freaking out...??? i dont understand how someone i felt i had such a "connection" with, could idk.. be soo disconnected from me when i really needed him.. and that someone i was serious about could turn into this... the worst.. thing.. person.. situation or whatever, ive ever had to deal with. I want it back. I never said yes. I said no. I said I DONT KNOW. how is that a green light? I mean, is it soooo bizarre that I reeeeally did just want to cuddle?? is that such a hard concept? I missed cuddling. I just wanted to be close to someone. and I said no... I dont know why I didnt stop it. I guess losing him is a huge factor.. i know how ridiculous that is... my mom would tell me about girls who would say that and i would judge them and there i was.. in their shoes... and i got it. I just lost a fiance.. and there was nothing i could do about it, at least at the time there wasnt.. and i didnt think there ever would be.. i thought it was over and done for good.. i swear i wouldnt have even gone if i knew timmy still loved me evevn a little bit. if i thought it was possible to be with him.. but i thought i knew i couldnt.. and i really did like jason. a lot. and he was, a good person for the most part, i guess... i was really falling for him fast and hard.. and it was easy, he is charming.. i just didnt want to lose someone else i cared about. i couldnt handle it. at the time. and i just couldnt stop it.
im so confused. everything is a contradiction. even me. when we first started talking he was saying how great it was that we were both christians and how he liked that we were the same age, and had the same goals, values, and beliefs and such.. and then he's telling me he "just cant imagine marrying someone without knowing" or having sex first... because "what if you get married,and find out the sex sucks".. or you have no chemistry or whatever he said.. and i told him "thats what makes marriage so romantic... the unknown.. the fact that its NOT because of that crap and its about love.." and i think thats if you love someone, then sex will be great.. i mean theres not much to it anyways.. it doesnt take rocket science.. and he just blew that answer off like i was just a silly little christian girl. like wanting to wait was outdated. the more we dated, the more and more lax i saw him be in his christianity. i mean.. he even asked one time "does it even say in the bible not to have sex??" and went on about how he didnt even think it mentioned not having sex.. and he is such an idiot if he thinks that. i couldnt quote anything but i knew it said not to.. and i looked it up.. and i was right.. not only does it say not to.. and that its meant for a HUSBAND AND WIFE... to become ONE not 5 or 10.. but it also has a whole section dedicated to what a sacrifce it is. and if that is enough.. as a christian.. we're supposed to be Christ-like.. and God sent his son as a sacrifice for us and he was setting an example.. he wanted us to do the same for our spouses.. not like die on a cross but be a sacrifice.. put them before ourselves. and love is patient. its patient. enough said rright??? we only knew each other.. i dont even really want to say. but not long and I cant believe he could just walk away from this ok with himself.. because i dont think i ever will be ok with this. i waanted to give myself to my husband. and for the past 2 years I wanted my husband to be timmy. i thought that dream was gone. i went a little craazy i just wish i had someone there to shake me and tell me "STOP! STOP BEING SO CRAZY! and LOOK at what your about to do!!" and i could just snap out of it. I feel like im making excuses and i know a lot of times i do in a lot of situations.. maybe it is just an excuses.. but i didnt feel like myself. i wasnt me. i wish i could have remembered who i was in that moment and what i really wanted, and stopped it and left. i wanted to save myself for my husband. for so long in my head, i was saving myself for timmy. and now i feel like Ive let God down, myself, my family, and Timmy. its not something you can just say "im sorry" for. because its a once in a lifetime thing. i know that. because no matter how many times timmy apologizes to me about his past.. he cant erase it and sometimes it just hurts.. and i cant do anything about it. but when your with someone you accept all of them.. but its different for me because i did this after you see who a person is and decide if u want them or not.. its not my past. it just happened. idk. i just wanted to share that part of me with him. only him. i know we grew a lot thru allof this. i know the time apart was good.. but i dont think our mistakes, mosylu mine, were neccessary.. i wish we could have learned the same things without my stupid mistakes. because, now i know... god. i mean everyone always said that if you have sex with more than one person, when ur with ur spouse, you'll think about the other people u were with.. u cant help it. that also scared me out of having sex. i wasnt sure if it was true or not but i enver wanted to find out. and now that i have, the few times ive done stuff with tim.. jasons popped in my head. and i cant get him out for a while and its hard.. because not because of the obvious reason.. not because i feel bad.. i do.. i hate myself for it because i know its bad but its like i cant do anything about it.. and it all just happened.. but it just hurts because i was only with that one person... and that person is in my head.. tim's been with a lot of people and had sex a lot of times.. who knows whats going on in his head when we've been close in the past... maybe he doesnt think about anyone but me.. i dont know.. maybe it just takes time to forget and eventually it will stop.. it just, hurts. to think about, what if it doesnt? what if this is the consequence of my mistake.. and i just have to live with it and be miserable about it and remember how stupid i was, forever..
anyways.. i couldnt stop writing.. until now. i could keep it going for hours but.. i need to stop.. heres some verses i was reading about sex..
1 Corinthians 7:2-3 – “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (NIV)
Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)
1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 – “It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (NIV)
Romans 1:24 – “Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (NIV)
1 Corinthians 10:13 – “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (NIV)
1 Corinthians 6:16
Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." (The Message)
Romans 8:8,13
Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live ... (NIV)
1 Corinthians 6:18
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (NLT)
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
Ephesians 5:2
Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. (NLT)
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; (NASB)
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking ... (NIV)
1 Timothy 4:12 to "be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." (NIV)
how could he say it isnt in the bible? and thats not even all of them..
he just.. i dont even know.. he even wasnt sure about abortion.. how could u even joke about that? abortion is murder no matter how you want to look at it.. it is just wrong. that should have been a red flag too.. too bad we had that conversation after the fact. we had a lot of important nonconversations, after the fact. im the stupidest person. and after i "broke up" with him.. he posted a huge bulletin on myspace about a "STUPID MEXICAN WOMAN" who came in his store and went on about mexicans and he KNEW i would read it and he did it on purpose. He would make black and jew jokes all the time, and he would tell me that he liked when he got white customers instead of mexican ones.. he is so racist.. and just plain igorant.. he has no idea what its like to be a minority. maybe if everyone walked around with no pants on, then he would feel like an outsider.. [cuz he has a small package]. anyways.. i just think he is the most arrogant, cocky, ignorant, ridiculously contradicting and manipulative person Ive ever met. and i cant believe i even had to "make a decision" it was timmy the whole time.
anyways, i dont care if this is really personal or too personal.. its me. and im so over caring. if u judge, i guess i'll just have to get over it.
i love timmy.
i only want to be so upset over him.
no one else.
yet here i am.. 3 in the am torn up over someone elses actions...
im ridiculous.
i need to just get over it.
ANd.
Im not saying it isnt a big deal. or not a big deal but that it shouldnt have been taken care of.. but maybe I feel SO strongly about the whole exes and amanda thing.. mostly about amanda, because of this whole thing. its more about me really. i am a little insecure. but even if i wasnt... that wouldnt change anything.. its still stupid to be friends with exes.. but i just think i am a little more senstive when it comes to amanda because ive now experiences.. that. i know what sex can do to 2 people. it was intended to make a married couple one.. and it has the same effect in a ore unhealthy way of course, but it still binds you... i know i dont want to be with jason. i was beginning to fall for him but thats fading or faded or whatever.. but i know that if i saw him.. it would be so hard. now.. a year from now.. 5.. and this is a person i wasnt even in love with.. a person i god.. didnt reeeally know.. even if i felt like i did.. and amanda and tim were together 2 years... so.. i guess it just urks me.. if i can feel this way about this person.. how does she feel about tim? or him towards her? and she thinks we're the stupid ones..? theres a pointin there somewhere.. give me a break.. its almost 4am.
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