So I went to an alanon tonight at 7:30. I've only been to 2 since being here. It was the one I went to before. Its an ok meeting I guess. Small and a little.. idk. I cant describe what its lacking but it is. It isnt the size that's the problem. I've been to some great small meetings before. I dont know.

Well tonight was interesting. Some alcoholic/ addicts came. 2 men and one of their wives who was not an alcoholic or addict. So. I guess they thought they were attending an AA meeting. I mean, alanon meetings are open to AA and NA members so its ok thta they were there. but it was awkward in a lot of ways for me. On one hand I'm glad they were there because i think it is important for AA and NA members to learn as much as they can about alanon too. The focus is always on them and their sobriety but how it affects the people around them is a part of it. ANd i think "double dippers" who do both programs generally have more success. At least from what i have heard from them. And if alcoholism and addiction (which I'll just refer to both as addiction from here on...) are genetic.. then the majority of these addicts will have their own "qualifiers" and things to deal with in that sense.

...Side note... about the whole genetic thing. I dont knwo how much of that i believe. I definitely think theres something to it. And if you agree its 100% genetic then its easy to call it a disease.. but what about the people who grew up in addiction free homes, unaffected by addiction. Do they also have a disease? There's definitely a propensity i guess when in your family's history. But it is also a lifestyle and a choice. A combination of all and who knows to what degree.

Anyways so on the otehr hand i didnt want them there. i got a bad vibe from the husband of the woman. When I walked in i walked around to the empty seat that was opposite the door because i dont like having my back facing the door. Also the seat was cushioned and the others were not. And they seemed more spread from the other chairs then the other spots. Anyways the seat was next to a young woman and the husband.. who as i sat down he stood up and walked over to the seat next to his friend. Which.. most people would wonder why. I knew exactly why. That's probably because he doesnt want to make his wie uncomfortable. which seems nice. but really why would it matter. unless he had been a fucked up pos. That sort of thought to things like that come from excessive disception. Having to compensate in these little ways.

Well it had been 4 or 5 days since i had been to one.. i you're not counting this other program i went to on friday where my mom was the speaker. so i cried. i dont really cry much at meetings anymore but i guess i had a lot pent up. especially right now.

Max ignored me for a week and a half. He finally responded in an email on the 10th but i didnt even see it until the 13th. then a couple days ago we spoke on the phone. and idk. I'm confused. I was so angry all week. We were just talking a week and a half ago with no agenda. No plan. Just as friends i guess. But we arent friends. And after a week and a half of being ignored.. this time for no reason. absolutely no reason.. why would I want to? It was beyond words. The onyl way to not feel extreme anxiety every second was to remain distracted. School started last week and that was really good because i dont know whati would have done if it hadn't. My friend Melissa has been amazing. We met at alanon in st paul. She's become one of my best friends and in a lot of ways she is because she is the nly person who can truly understand all this. she gives me advice, encouragement, lets me vent, cry, she is just there for me when i need her. And I'm there for her. I think we were brought together for a reason. "God doesnt give you more than you can handle" and without her I wouldnt have been able to.

Talking to max has been hard. I told him i wasnt angry that we werent talking or not together. it was the randomness. the ignoring me. completely cutting me off with no explaination. He apologized.. a lot. Tried to answer all my millions of questions. No one affects me like this. Not even Brett when i was obsessed with him. Not Tim. No one. I have theories of why that that I've created in times of silence. But my love for him is real and pure. However unhealthy we have been, are.. i wish i didnt but if im really 100% honest i dont wish that. He's what I want. I know if we never spoke again, i could move on and be happy. i could find passion. i could find something special. But it would be lacking. i can wish we never met. But i cannot wish i didnt want him. I know how stupid i am for it though. He's been really.. on top of doing what he says he will.. like beore he would say he will call in an hour and then 3 hours go by and i text him asking if he is ok and an hour later he was "sleeping". but he's been calling when he says he will. he doesnt seem annoyed to spend time with me.. maybe its because the day we talked, he had been to a meeting that morning. first one in a week. it all just seems helpless. i feel foolish. i even said at the meeting that i didnt want to talk because i was embarrassed to admit that i had been talking to him again.. not just since bbeing in CA but especially the last couple days.

But there was a lady there who put it into words that i couldnt. its simple but true. She said her and her boyfriend were rocky. he isnt the addict in her life. her son is. but its causing problems in her relationship and her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to break up. She said to him that she is "too exhausted to do either" she cannot give him more right now because she has no energy. But also, breaking up requires a lot of energy. practical and emotional. and that's how i feel right now. It took so much for me to leave wisconsin. everything i had. and when i fgot here i got the flu and was depressed. and then school started. and max in and out since new years. sometimes i think i should just cut him off and we shoudlnt talk. But part of alanon is fousing on myself and i am trying to do that by going to school, taking care of myself, of kodi, spending time with friends and family, eating right, taking care of all the things i have to do... this last week not talking to him was so emotionally exhausting. i cant commit to that right now. it sounds stupid but.. i miss him constantly and im just not strong enough for that right now.i told him we didnt have to talk if its easier for him to stay sober or get things done if we didnt.. he had blamed me a lot for being the reason he hadnt gotten anythign done like getting a job or seing malcolm. as soon as i saidthat he said he wasnt fair when he said that. that it isnt me and withut me around he doesnt get things done and that he has to be honest iwth himself and realize he is the one to blame. he said he wanted to talk to me. that he misses me all the time. that its hard for him. which just made me angry because you dont ignore someone you miss. I know theres more to it but really theres not. a simple "i need space.. lets talk next week" would have sufficed. Im not irrational. And now he has started saying "I love you" again. I have no boundaries because i was caught off guard. So I've been trying to figure out what talking even means. We arent together but we act like it. Especially in the last couple days. I'm ashamed.. but I'm also happy. I enjoy him at his best. Well he isnt even at his best.

Anyways. I also inadvertently volunteered myself to be the group secretary tonight. Mind you this was my 2nd time going to this meeting. She was asking people to fill roles because they switch who is in charge of things periodically. Not sure how often. But when she asked if anyone could be secretary no one said anything, and I didnt know what a secretary does.. so i asked out of cruiosutiy. I guess they are the ones that have the key and come 15 min early and get out the supplies. lay out the literature, set up the chairs etc. I said well if you cant find anyone else, I'll do it. But i thought she was going to ask at more meetings.. at the end she just comes up and hands me the key. I was like oh.. so this is starting now. ok. I mean its a good thing. I was just surprised. They dont even know me. Its a lot of responsibilty. But i wanted a committment role as soon as possible.. lol now is soon. I just always here alanon and AA members saying that being in a committment role was a huge thing for them. And being secretary... i dont have an excuse not to go to that meeting. So no matter what, from now on, I will hve to attend at least 1 meeting a week. I plan on attending several anyways, hopefully everyday like i was doing in eau claire. but its hard to get back into the swing of it here for some reason. in eau claire, meetings were like air. Here i go because i know i need to and should want to but there i wanted to just as much. Im sure it will come back.

OK enough about all that. A lot of other random things haoppened.

My mom was the speaker at a different program, similar to alanon but christian based. She asked if i would go. My brother went to. It was good. she is a good speaker. good writer. She said things abut her life that she had never told me. She has said bits and pieces but there were things i didnt know and it was really emotional. But i didnt cry. She frustrtes me so much, especially lately, being around her so much.. but i understand her a lot more. I try to have more grace for her.. she's been through a lot and she is extremely strong.

i stayed at her house all weekend because of that and also i wanted her to cut my hair. andi needed to organize my stuff in the garage. but uhg. 2 days is too much time to spend together.

my brothers dog bit my moms roommates friend. so that was weird. his dog is a pitbull. pitbulls scare me. especially the ones with the huge heads like his. He's all muscle. he seemed really unpredictable since i first saw him.. and when my mom does the "stare down" with him that she said "ceasat milan" does... i get scared he's just going to attack her face one of these times. Well they were sure they were going to have to put him to sleep after that but i guess its fine. he needs more socialization. And training. and really... idk i know people smack their dogs snout, ive even did with kodi for a little bit because he jsut doesnt listen but it doesnt help. the water bottle is more affective.. i want him to respect me not fear me. jason is aggressiv with him so why wouldnt he be an aggressive dog. he isnt abusive. but he smacks his nose... for good reason.. dont eat the bunny.. dont chase the cat. dont bite my moms friends roommate. but its like yelling at a barking dog.. you're supposed to be quiet and ignore them. dont communicate back. yelling is people barking. idk. my brother is great and all but he needs someone to tell him how to control his dog in a way that he thinks its his idea.. he's kind of stubborn.

ive been here at my unclce and aunts for about a week and a half. Its been nice. The room is nice. Theyre nice. sitting on the porch doing schoolwork in warm weather while kodi runs around is nice. im so glad they agreed to let me stay here. when i first got back i didnt move in with my uncle right away. it was christmas eve so i stayed at my moms for a few days. then i got sick so i decided to stay longer until i wasnt sick anymore because liz is pregnant. i was sick with the flu for like a week. but being at my moms, sick or not, so depressing. i cant. i know that more than ever now. but here.. i feel so much more healthy here. its easier to focus on myself.

I am taking the 2 classes I failed again this semester. I have a good feeling this time around. I wont be dealing with any of the same things. ANd even the max stuff, i am far enough away that as much as it affects me... it can only do so much. the java class im taking is so much better. ive had this instructor before and she is amazing. the other one just was lazy. he was very hands off.. he wrote out all these modules... like literally 10 - 15 LONG modules per week.. so much reading. they were conusing and overly detailed. He wasnt available for questions. He said if you have questions ask in the discussions forum and classmates will help. um. it isnt the job of my classmates to teach me.. its yours. This current instructor is great. she does video lectures. I learn from watching and listening. Examples. Her videos are perfect. The way she teaches is so easy to understand. Her assignments are easy to follow. And she accepts late work all the way up to the end of the semester. So I'll be getting an A. Im also retaking spanish and its going better thistime. Meeting with my partner today at 2pm. Its a lot of tedious time consuming work bbut its been easy. And my 3rd class is anthropology and i was worried because im a christian.. and i really dont know much about this stuff. but its been really inteteresting. And apparently there are a lot of christian anthropologist.

On wednesdays we wear pink! no but on wednesday I'm going to the courthouse again to file papers. The papers i already filed! UHG.

SO i had court on the 9th to finally move this divorce appeal forward. And.. IM getting sleepy.

wed @ 1:30am...

Ok back to finish this. There's always so much and so little. And I signed on and had every intention of writing.. i was excited to.. but now im tired again at the thought. same with tonights meeting. i was excited to go and get things off my chest. first time at that meeting. but it wasnt like meetings im used to. i dont like the meetinfs where its a free for all and you basically just chime in when you want it to be your turn. I'm not a chimer. Not with strangers anyways. I like the ones that start at the leader and go in order left or right. easy. and you knwo what to expect. at these types of meetings where you just insert yourself wherever, especially when I'm the newest person, i always feel like everyone is looking at me. waiting for me to speak. and i do like speaking at these meetings. but i dont liek being expdcted to speak. if that makes sense. i kept going to. working myself up to. and then not. i didnt speak tonihgt. first time in several meetings. i try to always fget myself to. but something kept stopping me. i mean, i am bad in social situations. but alanon has never realy felt like a typical social situation so ive never really felt too awkward. i mean yes, to some degree, because Im me. but nothing i cant handle. maybe it was that it was so bright. or the woman there, who is very nice dont get me wrong, but she was the one who asked if i wanted to be secretary, and she showed me where teh meeting was.. but idk.. she puts off a weird vibe. shes really hard to read.idk maybe i just didnt want to feel ashamed on top of being exhausted. i felt guilty as the meeting went on.. thinking every time it took a little too long for someone to speak up, that i should have spoken up. but by the end i realized... in alanon fashion.. i dont hve to do anything i dont want to do. and just because i typically like doing something, and its like me to do something normally.. doesnt mean i have to always like it or always do it. i didnt want to tonight. And that's ok. The topic tonight was "progress" and for the first few minutes i ws racking my brain trying too figure out how I've moved forward but all i could think of were all my setbacks this week.. deciding to leave wisconsin.. andthen talking to him again. saying we should only be friends.. and then replying to his i love you's with i love you too.. and not wanting to take it back because its howi feel. good or bad its how i feel. and as long as i am taking care of myself.. i think its ok to feel how i feel. before i wasnt. i'm far away from a bad situations now. i'm focusing on what i need to do and being productive every day. even on very bad days, like when he was ignoring me, i find moments of peace and happiness.. where i couldnt have or even wouldnt have before when i was still there. i realized that, it might not be much to an outsider... but to me I've made so much progress and its ok to be proud of myself and acknowledge it, including my setbacks. i just need tobe easier on myself and forgive myself and let myself feel how i feel as long as I take care of myself. baby steps.

so i have a commitment in place. That was a goal I wanted to accomplish and I did. Go me.

I also want a sponsor as soon as possible. I just.. i had a very bad experience in st paul. I might write about it another time. but she was only my sponsor for less than a week and it was very damaging to me emotionally. at the time. I'm past it now.

And I want to do a step a month. I realize that I shouldnt rush anything, but i predict I'll be in this program for a long time. Not just for my recovery from dealings with an alcoholic/addict but because it is an all around help to every area of my life. Especially aspergers. I mean the necessary, but safe social interaction alone has helped me a lot.

anyways. i need to get up early tomorrow but i cant sleep. or i dont want to. im a little sad and anxious right now. a lot.

i stopped by the store on the way home and got a few things. one of those things.. mochi ice cream. Mmmmm.

i guess that's all.