humiliation. comes in all shapes and sizes. this one hit me like a sack of yard gnomes.. so you can imagine my surprise.. the thought of getting hit with one yard gnome is a worthless thought, but a sack? now thats just silly..

uhg. I am so angry. its the never ending tale of a young girl with a voice.. that no one seems to hear. not including Timmy. i mean, he had good intentions and an eager heart and for that he is forgiven. not that theres anything to forgive. not him anyways.. urg.. i'm ramblings.... plus.. i didn't put up much of a fight for fear of looking ridiculous. but. the day we got married was a disaster and i didn't even know how big a disaster until today. not being married.. thats great and i couldn't be happier.. but as far as days in general and what the day is supposed to sound like.. it tanked. on the way to Ventura to get married we ran into some traffic we should have expected but weren't thinking at the time.. so i called the county clerks office on july 3rd.. at about 3:30 i asked if they take everyone even without appointments until 4.. they said yes. they said as long as you make it through the door before 4 they'll see us even if its the last few seconds.. she told me to have tim park the car and run if i have to. and thats exactly what we had to do.. and i was there at 3:58.. there was a line of people filing in as i walked up and even tho the last man in the line hadn't even stepped inside.. the lady tried to shut the door before me. she said.. "we're closed" and i held up my cell and said "actually i have 2 minutes" and smiled.. being happy and all.. she said.. "what do you need to do?" and i said i was there to get married. she laughed to herself and said something like "fine" and some stuff under her breath.. and then she asked where my groom was.. i said he was parking and she continued with her rudeness. asking me who i talked to on the phone and what they said and laughing about it. and keep in mind.. this isn't a 2 person conversation.. she was talking loud enough so not only everyone in line could hear, but so the clerks at the counters could hear too.. my heart raced and everyones eyes were on me.. but i was still pumped.. i was getting married dammit.! i don't remember how the conversation ended but she finally stopped interrogating me.. after 2 seconds to reflect.. i felt so dumb.. embarrassed. i think i thought we were the only people getting married there.. not just that day but ever.. like no one goes to the courthouse anymore.. and i got panicky. but then i saw 2 other couples in nice clothes obviously about to do the same thing as us. so i calmed down. i thought the lady was rude, but i wasn't going to let it affect me.. it was over and it didn't look like she was one of the clerks so i wouldn't have to deal with her again. i looked at the door and waited to open it when Tim knocked. but as soon as my heart calmed... i heard laughter and it caught my attention and then i heard voices "who would want to marry her?..." and more laughing.. it took a moment to register.. at first i was just confused. i turned around and they were looking at me. before i could get really upset... Timmy knocked and i let him in. but things happened so fast. i tried to explain but i couldn't really do it justice and after saying it and having tim say things like asking if i was sure they said that and that he didn't think they would say that kinda thing.. just like it didn't happen.. i felt ridiculous.. but it kept bugging me. my mom was late.. i asked her what i should do and she said at least get the forms filled out today, and i could hold off on the ceremony. i wanted to. i didn't want them marrying me and i didn't want to get married there anymore. i wasn't ever rude. i just walked in. i was polite and answered all her questions. i was quiet and cooperative. i gave them no reason to be so disrespectful to me.. except maybe that i am a Mexican getting married and she was a bitter white woman who thinks she's better than me or should be married rather than me.. i can not see any other reason. and for some reason, all these types of things usually have the same answer. racism. and everyone wants to brush it off and accept it. and even i did.. we finally had to make the decision.. tim went to fill out a check.. it wasnt x amount for one and x amount for the other.. it was x amount for the forms or whatever and then a combined amount if you do both the forms and ceremony. so it was now or never. and tim was looking at me.. and i didn't want to but i wanted him. so i said screw the stupid people who don't have anything better to do but pick on people they don't feel are worthy of their time.. well just do it and be married and have a ceremony later that we can remember and celebrate our anniversary on. i should have known tho. it should have been a red flag when my mom told me that july 3rd was also my dads birthday.. uhm.. okay. the universe hates me. i should have known that means bad luck. bad chi. and i don't even believe in chi. anyways, like i said.. we blew them off and agreed to go thru with the ceremony. we were happy. they lady we were "helped" by, just had no idea what i was so upset about.. even tho she WAS one of the ladies laughing.. i know it. and even as she said "I'm sorry if you think people we're being.. mean? to you???.." she had a smirk like.. she could care less what she was saying and even if she meant it it didn't mean anything because she knew exactly why i was upset. and I'm being redundant but i don't care i hate her. and you'll soon know why. by the time we filled out the paperwork and my mom showed up.. everyone else but one couple was already gone.. when the last couple, who was actually really nice and seemed to be treated very well.. after they left.. we went into the small room and this woman marries us.. after timmy kept commenting "she seems nice.. i don't think they said what you think they said.." and stuff like that.. i decided.. maybe he is right.. even tho he wasn't but why not? and after a while i just whatever.. i didn't care.. and we even offered to tip her for her time because we were like the only people in the office.. even tho it didn't even take that long. she didn't take it. the one good thing she did. anyways, everything seemed fine. she watched us walk away happy and faked her own happiness. i didn't know there were such fake people until today. we went to the social security office to finally change my name.. Oh by the way hi, I'm Jenifer Frei :].. so were called in and the lady asks for the marriage certificate.. i hand it to her and she looks confused.. she says that its weird because my name is first and usually the grooms name is first. i didn't really know what that meant but i was.. oh.. weird.. she looked again and said that we didn't have a real marriage license. it was a same sex partnership certificate. it said "party A" and "party B". instead of bride and groom. You can't just mess that up. especially since we went through like 3 or 4 of the same paper to finally get all the information correct.. i can see MAYBE not catching it the first time.. oops picked the wrong paper.. no.. not 4 times. the same form. its not like we started with the right one and by the 4th one she decided she'd do it for wasting her paper or something.. she was evil from the start. I'm not exactly kierra knightly or uhm.. who is hot these days? idk.. but I'm not an ogre. I'm not butch or manly or built or athletic. i am petite and small and i had on a girly top and skinny jeans and no guy has my awesome.. awesome.. butt.. ok its not that awesome.. but its clearly a girls butt. and long hair. and I'm not a boy. and well. its even humiliating to write. questioning whether to make this public but who cares. no one reads this and if they do they know me or i could care less. I'm not the most self confident person in the world.. but i know what i am and i am nothing that could have made her wonder of my sex. she saw my driver license and social which also state that i have a vagina. she is a bitch. they all are. i have no idea why someone, well not just one person but all those women would go through so much trouble to make someones ideally special day.. a day of humiliation and regret. regret of following through in such a horrible place with such horrible people. it was supposed to be lovely. and it was in some ways. but it makes me sad now. and always will. so the lady at the social security office.. was a god sent. and most of them on the phone or in person... they're usually so unpleasant.. and she even said that but said she loved her job.. and she was really nice and said she would be really offended.. and i started crying.. (I'm going to be on my period so everything is so dramatic).. anyways.. she said we need to call them and yell at them and make them fix this and that Timmy needs to pretty much rip that "lady" a new one for making me upset. i don't really care, i just want them to give us the right form and have it be over with so i can just forget them.

so you could imagine.. a horrible day. and its strange... i planned a lovely morning with breakfast in bed, newspapers, breakfasty music, and other such things that make a great morning great.. but everything went wrong. the night before tim said the water guys were coming to test the water. we have the smallest kitchen in the world.. but i thought.. it could still happen.. i tried for before they came but overslept and vons took forever because didn't have anything i wanted and i didn't know we were members and it cost me $30 for 7 things!! thats a lot. so the water guys come.. blah blah blah.. and its like 11:30ish.. and tim is already out of bed and fully awake. uhg. but i still made him breakfast. bought him a pretty flower.. cuz lets face it.. even husbands need to be appreciated from time to time :} made him a "menu" lol. it was just a really nice morning of being silly and playing restaurant. he's my favorite customer :]

after breakfast we hung out for a while.. i was feeling especially ugly today.. its a really strange coincidence.. i was in the bathroom before we left for the social security office and Tim walked in and i was like "i look like a man" and such. but.. obviously i don't really think that.. every girl feels ridiculously ugly from time to time. and i wasn't fishing for compliments because i really did feel crummy.. but i don't think i am manly. maybe a tom boy at times but not manly. I mean, you're allowed to call yourself ugly.. its hearing it from other people that sucks balls. so after that, it just made the rest of a supposed to be good day, stupid.. i already felt ugly and that just made me want to crawl in a hole and stick needles in my eyes. ew. ouch. but dang it.. I'm cute...:/ kinda. ish. meh. I got mad every time tim tried to touch me today. i felt like it was pity touches. like he was trying to make me feel better than actually just touching me.. i was a jerk face.

but then we looked for a kitty or puppy at the animal shelter after i changed my name. no kittens OR puppies! :[ we looked online and there was this website that said "dogs puppies cats and kittens" i cant say it fast.. whenever timmy tries it comes out "dogs puppies cats and chickens" :} we're odd.

we watched everwood.. woot. and it was spectacular as usual. and the hills is coming back! august 18th! woot woot. and so you think you can dance.. but i hate that show right now because they voted off chelsea those jerks. she was the best ever since "keep bleeding love" with mark. kinda. but she was better than courtney. boooo.

by the way, PHP is haard. way hard. i mean i understand what it is and what its for. but i can't freaking install it. or set it up or whatever. what the heck is a binary whatever? and what it for? its not like I'm a programmer.. i wanted to learn because people say its easy to learn if you aren't a programmer. and it does basically everything other programs can do.. and its freeee! but the darn tutorial was called "for the absolute beginner" shpsh! no. its like "blah blah blah intro to php.." and then its like.. "go download this and install it and then come back and finish these lessons and stuff" but its not jsut click, save, install... its like.. nonsense in a blender with nuts... yeah.. its that crazy.

bored. pictures because i'm bored. random order.