Its been a hell of a week.

Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation.

I dont know where to start or what to say.

Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it.

he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas.

schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb

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I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them.

I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it.

So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy.

I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week.

I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.