I just remembered i was reading a book... this is probably why i never finish books. if i put them down i never pick them back up. well not this time. haven't read since we got Choli. she's sort of a distraction.. good but bad for reading. i liked the book tho.. I've been craving finishing it.. just like I've been craving Zours for like a month! i can't find them anywhere :[ Timmy thinks they discontinued them! He's so mean. I had a weird dream last night that me and my mom, Jason, my grandparents, and Suzy and her kids were all in a van driving to this place and most of the dream was the drive but i can't really remember it. and when we got to the place it was this huge house and apparently we were all going to live there. but there weren't enough rooms. and everyone was fighting. and then me and my grandma started yelling at each other. and it was kinda funny actually.. but i liked the house. it was pretty. Someday Timmy and I will have a big house. Maybe not as big as in the dream. it was more like a mini mansion and it had tons of rooms and it was like 3 stories. but we're going to have a nice house with at least 4 bedrooms and one of those sun room things thats sort of connected to the back porch. i like those. and a big backyard. and a room just for music since we had to move my drums into the bedroom and eventually into the bedroom closet.. no room for crazy Choli AND drums. and its going to be 2 stories. Heroes didn't suck last night. the next one looks pretty intense. waiting a week sucks. I should go and do yoga. i promised myself i would do some sort of workout today. i overslept. I've been feeling like crap this week. but i don't care.. not that i need to I've been losing weight with no exercise for like a week and a half. and thats not a week and a half break from exercise everyday. just like once or twice a week. Tim said if i did work out or run a lot I would probably weigh like 80 pounds. eek! "Oh your lips look delicious!" lol I'm going to go call my husband. ------------------------------------------------- i don't feel good. i wish i could go back 5 years. December 2004. I wish i could have told my mom then, no... you wont treat me that way. not stood for it. and not let her control me. i wish i never went to that ROP class. i wish i stayed in the one i originally signed up for. all the Daniel and Vannessa crap wouldn't happened. and then i wouldn't have met Brett and thats one person I'd love to forget. He wouldn't have ruined every relationship i had or tried or manipulated me or used me or played mind games and everything else he did. Uhg i wouldn't know what a psycho he is. My mom wouldn't have a reason to tell Jason all sorts of crap about me, even though it wasn't a good reason, but it was her reason. She wouldn't have tried to turn him against me, get him on her side because she felt like she needed to divide our family. And then Jason wouldn't hate me for no reason. He would have believed me about not stealing his money. all sorts of things would be different. maybe i would have met Timmy sooner. And i wouldn't be so messed up. I'm scared. I told my mom so many times i was going to have my own family and i wouldn't do this to them. i wouldn't be like her. but what if i am? what if i am worse? what if i ruin my daughters spirit? what if i bring her down and make her feel worthless compared to absolutely everyone else. what if she hates me. i kind of don't want to know. because thats my biggest fear. not death. i am afraid of death but.. i couldn't stand it if my family felt about me the way i feel about my mom. if i made them feel that way. if i didn't even get it. I'm having a bad night. it was going ok. was making some mock ups for my website. haven't worked on it in a while. i started with a layout i had planned to use for a different site but liked it for mine more. it didn't really go with the feel of the other site anyways. I know anything i finish isn't going to feel complete. but I want something up. anything. i want to start handing out business cards. but i cant have people going to a site that isn't even there.