If in under any circumstances you happen to want to take a bowl of salf and slowly pour it into the sockets of my eyes... I encourage you to do so.

Life sumed up in 4 short sentences

This entry isnt going to be pretty. Just dont even bother. Its dumb.

I miss brett. Alot. Alot alot alot. a.. lot. thats such an odd word.

Ya know... its kinda weird. I dont remember a nite I havent cried myself to sleep this month or so or something. well, once about 4 days ago but I fell asleep on my floor on accident and then woke up at five and got into bed so I didnt have the energy to think. Its hard not to think at nite when everything is quiet, its the perfect time for all your thoughts to consume you. I try to fill my mind with other things. Most of the time it doesnt even work. When it does i am great for a little while. But then I realize that Im not thinking of brett and I get sad.. heh. Cuz I like thinking of brett. Even if it hurts. I like that I am in love with him, I dont want to make those feelings go away. the only times i ever feel like I am completely ok and peaceful is at church and its only 2 times a week. And even there confusion hits, but not so much as anywhere else. And I have been really thinky lately. when you think you dont really talk much. So being a person who doesnt shut up and has random bursts of craziness all the time... people think I am angry or something. But Im not. Just thinky. I mean lots of people think all the time and no one cares, but if I think its like OMG! what is wrong with jeni!? and I say I am fine and Im just tired or thinking. And they continue to say how I look sad. And then, if I crack a smile they go "I saw that smile" or something dumb like that.. when I am not mad.. I can smile... you didnt work wonders by making me smile.. Im just thinky.. THINKY! sorry, had to get that off my chest cuz people can be so ignorant sometimes. There is love and there is common sense.. c'mon people.

It doesnt help that my mother is all lovey dovey one second and a psycho shrew the next. but its ok, I am trying so hard, and she well... she isnt trying at all. But I feel like a callous has been created against feelings of hurt feelings when it comes to my mother. Its getting easier to just shurg things off. Which of course is taken by the mother as me being distant... oi.

This play is getting weird. First jake has to leave and now Andy isnt gonna be in it. And they want donovan to read the part of my bf.. um 1) he looks just like me and 2) he is WAY WAY too young. Hmm.

So the mother got this new pilates/yoga in one dvd and yeah I was doing that and my body feels good. I feel "at one" with my abs. haha jk i dont know. I actually dont feel anything but I liked it the lady has this weird voice, but its all calm and soothing, like lamb chop.

gr so the first thing sal says to me AGAIN at church is 5 days blah blah blah... stupid idiot sal. gosh. actually 7. 7 freaking days till I have an anurism... *makes a mental note to look up anurism* Its not fair. What does he expect me to do? erg. He cant come to church. Everyone will know and everyone will remember him and elaine and my mom will FREAK out and think I knew. And if I see him I will either force myself to walk away (aH? yeah.) or wont be able to refrain from hugging him. And I am pretty sure that in that moment the second would take over. And Id feel guilty and after the hug it would be awkward not knowing if i should talk or what. But if I do manage to force myself to walk away, I am pretty sure I will die.. yup right on the spot. *Teenage girl dies instantly in a church parking lot. Cause of death? unknown but we are suspicious about the effects of a near by boyfriend type figure man.* He's gonna make sure I see him... and if he doesnt sal even told me that he'd do it himself. fag. jk. but, you're a fag. Oi. No seeing of the brett. none. nope nope nope. I love him way too much to walk away. But I wont have to if I dont see him and maybe he just shouldnt go. I mean its not my decision. its church. its there. sal goes there and brett is visiting so its not like omg what are you doing here? But its just gonna make everything so much more difficult. Like those last kisses in the park. The last time I saw brett. holy cow, that was like a BAJILLION years ago. But for me it just made it harder. I mean thats just about if i can hold back on hugging him... what about kissing? I wont even go there. Its not even monday and I am already worrying this much, I need to go read a book... or sleep for a change. heh.

I havent talked to my brother in a while. I miss him. He might go back to iraq. Not anytime soon but in the near future. I am so scared now, even more than I already was because Vannessa called today and told me that he uncle was killed in an explosion. It was so awful to hear that one of my friends loved ones was killed. You get the mindset that it wont happen to you, your family and then something like that opens your eyes.. I hate that her family and her have to go through this at all. I hope she is ok, she said she'd call me but she was with her family so she probably didnt want to leave them. I hope it was a misunderstanding. But then i think, wow, that means someone else's family member is dead. Its awful. But still I hope its not true, that they screwed up. Vannessa says he has 3 boys and a wife. So please pray for vannessa's family and that if its possible, that it wasnt a mistake. that was a lot. Didnt mean to do that but yeah.

So yeah, more missing of the brett.

This was the part where I was going to go off on all the girls I hate, mostly being ones who comment in certain peoples diaries. but i wont. nope. not i. Because that would be wrong and mean and boo to me. So go girls. yay for girls and comments and stupidity in general. and world peace.

ok bye.