i tried to be perfect.. but nothing was worth it
i wasnt worth it.
uhm i broke up with tim. wow. i dont think its really actually hit me yet. i didnt think i would. ever. he was waiting for it. i dont really want to talk about it but.. what else am i going to do right now?
Im really glad i have my cousin manuel here tho. he's been a really great listener. i talked to him a little right after i got mad at tim and right before i called him. i told manuel why i was mad and asked if i was being irrational or stupid and he said no. and so i called tim and wow. its so weird how so much can change in just a simple phone call. its over? i guess so. he didnt say a word. he didnt call back. he did care. manue said that he thinks he wanted me to see what i saw. he said "he probably didnt really care if you saw but he definately knew what your reaction would be". and he said that its a good thing that i said i didnt want to talk about it because then i would have ended up saying sorry for his mistakes. yeah. manuels really encouraging.
around 8ish or whatever me and manuel stopped by tims apartment and took back his phone. i still have the charger tho. i forgot it here. so i'll take it back like tomorrow or soemthing. i asked aaron to pick up tim from the airport on sunday. after that we went to walmart real fast and then home. but at walmart, manuel said "if he does care. he's probably not going to care until he comes back". so he has the excuse of we were broken up so he can be a jerk. if thats true. its crap.
im doing suprisingly well right now. i know its all going to fall to pieces in a few hours. im having massive stomach aches. i get those when im really stressed out. gosh. uhg. he was waiting for it. even manuel thinks so. i wish i had a girl to talk to. manuels cool and stuff but i need a girls advice too.
my brother said "tell him i dont like when juice wears tights. its a bad combination. a bowl of juice wearing tights."
it didnt really apply to the situation. but gotta love that brotherly advice.
i was prepared to write pages and pages. but i decided not to. tomorrow is a new day. i guess now i can be motivated to do other things. like get a full time job at night. and focus on school. go back to church maybe. i dunno.
im in such denial right now. its ridiculous. its working tho.
i remember talking to aaron a while back and he was talking about some girl he used to date and how it didnt work out and i asked why and he said she broke up with him and he wasnt the type of guy to chase a girl. hmmm. well. i guess its all in the family. altho. i asked if he loved her and he said no. i wonder if that makes a difference.
i know tim wont read this. so i guess its safe to say. i still miss him.
and i guess its also safe to say. im retarded. im gonna go try and forget the last 7 1/2 months of my life. it'll hurt too much otherwise.
its soo.. its hard. cuz this is the 4th time where i think.. "this is it" well kinda. like the 3rd tho.. and everytime.. something gets in the way. every time. its hard letting go of someone your so close to. and starting all over again.
you know what. i am worth it. and im gonna find someone who knows it. and he's going to be everything i need. maybe i already found him. maybe not. who cares. im just done with letting myself be taken for granted. i just wish i didnt give so much of myself to someone who didnt even want it. maybe he does. or did. he didnt show it very well.
im so hungry. and tired.
its so stupid. ive been working out like crazy and eating all healthy.. trying to look all great for when tim gets back.. and for what?? nothing. i was sooo excited about sunday. i was nvm. im stupid. its over. its ovejkbfds,.
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