So my teacher overlooked some work on my site cuz it was in the "wrong spot"... and he gave me an 85 out of 100 for the assignment and i was just gonna accept it... but i sent him and email and he changed it to 100/100. woot.
jefrie needs a roommate. he gots the lonelies.
So Im taking notes for chapter 10 right now.. well i was. now im taking a break.
timmy went to sleep. we watched the prestige. weird movie. but it was kinda cool. kinda funny. i dunno about that mrs johansen but she wasnt exactly a main character so it wasnt that bad.
in otehr news. i need another job. im meeting with that dude with timmy on monday. but i dunno. it seems like i would have to do alot of selling and stuff and i suck at that sort of thing. not to mention i hate it. just doesnt seem like my thing. the money would be nice but realisticly i dunno if i could handle it. i like being behind the scenes. unless i were an actress. then i would welcome the attention. i need a part timer from 8-1:30 five days a week. maybe i should just quit this babysitting job and look for a real job. i dunno. i like it cuz they are old enough so i can just sit down and do my hw and they can do their thing. and its my time is productive. and in a typical job i wouldnt be able to do hw. but i have to drive them 3 out of 5 days now. and gas is crazy not to mention i am kinda iffy about driving kids that often with the crazy trafffic. makes me nervous. i mean appreciate that lisa trusts me enough to drive her children across town that much but still.. nervous.
i went to visit my cousins and stuff last weekend. my mom invited me. i told her the night before that tim was coming. and the day of she decides to bring cambria. and doesnt even make sure i know before i come.. she leaves a message. and i dont get it until were half way there. and at that point i just didnt want to even go. and neither did tim. but of course if we dont go, we look like the immature ones.. so we go. they said they were planning on leaving around 6, it was about 5:30. we actually stopped to run a few errands first hoping they would leave before we got there.. "just missed them" kinda thing. but no. they werent even close to leaving. nothing that woman says is ever true so i dont know why i was even suprised. my mother is sooo... i dont know the word. again and again i try to define her cruel nature in this stupid diary but i can. no one will ever understand thru words how the woman is. u have to know her. not meet her. she is a complicated person. meeting her on a "good day" could cloud ur whole perception of her. and yes, she does have "good days" from time to time. she also loves to wear a mask in a crowd so this can also sway a persons impression of my mother. but people who actually know who she is.. they just know. all my ex bfs, people who work with her, some church people... all know what im talking about but would probably also have a hard time explaining exactly what im trying to explain. the only way i really know how is by giving examples of her psychotic behavior.... but then i sound i dunno.. childish. i admit it. i am childish for the most part when it comes to my mother. in other areas i feel im growing and changing but with my mother.. i cant for some reason. maybe its due to the fact that she never changes how she is with me. cruel. cold. passive aggressive.. shes so manipulative. she tries to change or influence what i do just to better her situation or reputation. because me living with my bf or even fiance not only makes me look bad, but it makes her look worse cuz shes leader of the ateam and her involvement in church. i understand where she is coming from in that sense.. but thats all i can do at this point.. is undertsnad. and i tell her... no matter how many times i try to move past it she always brings it back ot the table and just smothers me with guilt and all these ultimatum's. her intentions are hardly ever pure. and when i think they are.. they arent. she is full of ulterior motives. she's also full of contradicitions. before she went to thialand i we werent speaking and i was talking with my grandma.. just asking questions like when me and tim got bed bugs from aaron i called her to ask what to do. how to make a cake or her mexican rice. stuff like that. and my mom told me she wishes i would call her cuz those are motherly questions. so i took that to heart. it really did touch me when she told me about that. and i called her about a problem i was having with tim. i asked if she was busy first and as always she makes a point to sound busy (even tho she was just taking a nap) and then when i say i'llcall back later she insists that i tell her but sounds completely uninterested and then instead of answering my question she starts talking about me living with tim. everything i bring up that has to do with tim... her answer is always.. "well ur living with him.. its because ur living with him" and i ask her to please just try not to focus on that for a second and just help me with the situation im trying to deal with and she just cant. it always ends in a fight. i told her like 7 times to please not bring up the living situation and just help me. and she jst always brought it back to that. i feel guiolty enough. i dont need her to shower it over me every time i communicate iwth her. i mean she isnt supportive about anything. she if loving and nurturing.. but there almost always has to be an audienc. and when thereisnt one.. i feel very awkward becuase its soo... uncommon. and im not talking about affection because she would agrue that she is affectionate but i just dont respond to it.but of course i dont. thats thething.. she'll piss me off and then be affectionate with me infront of a crowd so that when i freak out for her hypocracy.. i look like the freak and she's the victim. i mean i have years of anger pent up from all her crap.. and she wonders why i dont leap in excitement at every outstretch of her arms. she's all about appearance. she can put on a show, but she doesnt support me. she doesnt protect me. she doesnt genuinely care. she always puts jason before me..not even just jason.. she puts everything before me. i mean she hasnt even noticed the scars on my wrists. what kind of a mother doesnt notice that sort of thing? i didnt do it for her attention. actually.. the reasons vary. but she should just know. she said that shes learned alot with her growth group.. she said that they agree with her about alot of things but that she shouldnt be pshing me away.. cuz it isnt worth losing me. she had to have a group confront her to finally realize that. who does that? matt fylers death.. jason was like "it really makes people think" screw u guys. makes people think. it shouldnt take death to make u think about the lviing. the people who are supposed to matter. i didnt kick her out. she kicked me out. on several occasions. and then complains about the circumstances that she made. after going to thialand she said she had an apifany. she said it really opened up her eyes.. she gave me a robe that belonged to a girl in thialand. its a special robe that onyl the virgin girls wear. and everyone looks at them and admores them when they wear the robes. i understand the meaning behind it. i understand what she wwas trying to say by giving me the robe. but how she said it just completely.. i dunno. it was like an insult in disguise. i cant explain it. instead of just saying "i believe u that ur a virgin and i still think of u as pure" she said that she still thinks i "could be pure" and that the robe will remind me that i "should make good choices".. like a constant reminder of what an incredible disappointment i am to her. she kept ranting on and on about this chick in thialand that was so awesome. and she was my age and she was affectionate.. and how she even looked like me. everything im not? it sounds wierd as i write it out but in my head it makes more sense.. u just had to be there i guess. i just felt weird. she made me feel stupid as usual in a moment that she should have been making me feel dunno.. anything else. its like when someone reeeeally hates ur outfit but they walk by and give u a compliment like "great outfit" and u know they are lying just by how they say it.. but u accept it and its kinda awkward. i dunno. dumb example. anyways. when we went up to my grandma's my mom was being how she always is.. nice with mean intentions? i dunno. and uhg. then. cambria comes up and says she likes my hair. OH MY GOSH i had to do everything to control myself from just going off. i didnt even know what the hell she was doiing there. thats MY grandmas house. and i brought MY fiance. and MY mom invited me. and SHe shouldnt have come because i didnt want anything todo wit her. and i just cant believe she was stupid enough to even opn up her mouth in my presence let alone actually talk to me.. and i jsut i didnt know what to do. its seems dumb. but..its because on thanksgiving... before announcing my engagement to my mom and stuff.. cambria started talking crap about tim to jason and i overheard. cuz she was that loud. the jerk. and then after i announced our engagement i heard them talking crap about THAT too. and then she has the nerve to come over and compliment my ring "its soo pretty".. and i didnt say anything at the moment cuz i didnt want to make a scene. i just kept my mouth shut. and who is to say that this time was any different? she is a fake jerk. and she doesnt even deserve to talk to me. and the stupidest part of the night was when me and tim walked to the back room to get away from them and cambria said infront of everyone "F** * her" and of course my mom does nothing.. and manuel is in the back room and were talking about school and stuff and my moms back and tells manuel to come out there cuz he cant hang out with me cuz weretalking crap about cambria even tho we werent and when they went out to the living room they were probably talkig crap themselves. its stupid. my mom cant even helpit. she just does. and its so shocking that she can accept some skank like cambria who IS having sex with jason. but cant accept her own daughter who is still.. altho it is hard and nearly impossible... saving herself for marriage. uhg it makes me crazy how she will stick up for cambria... saying she is a "good girl" and how they arent having sex.. even tho manuel found an open box of condoms in jasons room and how I found her skanky underwear in my laundry. and how they are allover each other all the time.. even infront of family. i mean if they are like that in public.. how are they alone? and yet... she is convinced nothing is going on based on trusting jason? idiots. jason is such an idiot. he's mad cuz i called cambria a stupid rat face. he needs to get over it cuz one, she deserved it. and two, he has said MUCH MUCH MUCH worse to my ex bf's both behind and to their faces. mean nasty things and threats and its just ridiculous that he is even getting mad over this. my mom and jason are just soo.. they think they can do whatever they want to anyone but if anyone does anythng even remotely close to ofensive to them.. its just uncalled for. the jsut will not stand for it. idiots. i used to think we would work thru this.. the whole teaming up on jeni phase.. but im seeing more and more. its not a phase. its justhow they are and im seeing more and more that i really am better off without it. its taken a couple trial runs but this time its for real.. im done with them. completely. i cant take it. it doesnt seem like a huge deal this past confrontation. but its the underlying issues that matter. its like the tip of an iceburg for me. so many other things have built up and im just over it. she cant ever just protect me. she cant ever just accept me and get over the fact that im not perfect and i never will be. and the fact that if she just would have been a real mom i would have turned out ok.. i was a good kid.. but i cant ever ever be good enough for her. and thats why its stupid. yikes. this was supposed to be a quick update. but i guess i had a lot more to say..... i almost wanna make this private.. o well.
tomorrow is pay day.
i want a baby.. or maybe just another bunny. lol. i said that to timmy yesterday. before i said thee second part.. his face was so funny. we talked about it tho. i like talking to him about babies and such. he said he doesnt like some of the names i like. like The Incredible Hulk.. even tho i think it freaking rocks.. but we agreed that Brody and Nikola are cute girl names. i also liked Jaedon but that darn britney spears took it.. grr. aw. when we were driving up to tehachapi (to my gma's) i was talking about my mom and stuff and i got onto a subject about how pj from church takes his little girl on little dates. and how he opens the door for her.. she wont even get out of the car until he opens her door. and i was thinking timmy would say it was weird. but he thought it was cool and said that if we had a little girl he would want to take her on dates too. and do that stuff. it would be so cute..and he agreed. yeah. sometimes timmy suprises me.
ok well.. off to do hw.
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